Stress I didn't read all the replies because I am rushed right now but your son sounds so much like my daughter. When she was growing up I was convinced she had a personalit disorder. She didn't seem attached to us at all, or any of her possessions. She went out of her way to do mean things to us, even pouring liquid soap all over the bathroom floor and calling me in that she needed me and when I came running I fell on the ceramic tile. I cried and cried and was really hurt and she just sat int he tub with a smirk on her face. She would attach herself to other adults as if she was saying she cared about them more than us.
My difficult child was drinking and smoking pot all through high school even though she got in trouble numerous times with the court, even spent a weekend in juvenile detention. She got kicked out of college in her second month and was arrested for shoplifting. After the rehab, sober houses, homelessness, living on her own, losing jobs, saying she hated us and wanted to find her birthmother, and telling us numerous times she was not an addict but just liked to drink like all young people, she is now working at a job full time, lives with her boyfriend and cares for his 5 year old daughter in a very loving and responsible way. I am amazed at how responsible she has become. She now tells me she doesn't consider herself ever being an addict but admits she drank very irresponsibly and realizes pot only got her tin trouble.
The best thing is that she now wants to have a relationship with us and her sister. I never turn down an opportunity to see her as long as she is being respectful. In the past I did not like or agree with her values or life style. She worked for a short time in a strip club (thankfully said she hated it), picked up guys in bars and took them to her apartment, posted awful pictures on facebook of her drunk or high. But as long as she was not drunk or high and was dressed appropriately I was happy to see her. It was very important for me to maintain a relationship with her in hopes that when she did straighten out we had that connection.
I certainly understand putting up boundaries and would never suggest doing anything against your values but I had to learn that my daughter's values and mine were very different and I had to learn how to accept her on different terms and not judge. Of course that meant that she had to be responsible and take care of herself.
You have to do what you feel comfortable with, I have just found that closing my eyes to some things helped a lot. Once he turns 21 the drinking is legal. If he is not an alcoholic let's hope he learns how to drink responsibly.
