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Substance Abuse
"Mom can I please come home"
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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 409047" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>Nancy -</p><p></p><p>Many hugs. It is sooo tough when our kids put us in the apparent situation of choosing to refuse them help. We are biologically programmed to help our offspring in addition to any conditioning we got along the way and the just plain love we have for this child we nurtured for 18 years so refusing to help them when they ask is about the hardest thing a parent can do. It isn't just our children who are separating from us - it works the other way around too.</p><p></p><p>I have found that it is much easier to see other people's mistakes than it is to see my own. We are struggling with this same essential question - how to separate from our difficult child 2 at the same time he is separating from us. I'm afraid we are not doing that good a job. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /> So the following questions really are very similar to ones we are asking ourselves right now and I hope you will not feel criticized or hurt.</p><p></p><p>But, if it were me, I would be thinking long and hard about the choices I made and the way I wanted to proceed. Some questions I would be asking myself would be:</p><p></p><p>1. Why was I willing to deliver her to the home of people who I believe are condoning and even promoting her addictive behavior?</p><p>2. Why was I willing to rescue her from having to find her own way to school when she would have not needed this help if she were clean and sober, still living in your home?</p><p>3. Why was I willing (I assume) to pick her up and transport her when she was showing obvious signs that she was continuing to use illegal substances?</p><p>4. Why did I call her instead of texting her back "are you clean and sober? if not then the answer is no" since we all know that talking to your child on the phone engages both of us emotionally in ways that an exchange of information through e-mail or texting simply doesn't do? We are biologically programmed to respond to our children's cries from birth and it is a powerful impulse to respond with caretaking when we hear our child in distress.</p><p>5. Why am I willing to discuss her returning home when she is clearly not clean and sober given that just the previous week we told her she couldn't live in our home unless she met that basic rule?</p><p>6. Am I sending her the kind of consistent message she needs in order to make sense of her world?</p><p>7. What do I get out of this? All human interactions are exchanges of some kind. She gets to prolong her separation process, to feel nurtured and safe regardless of her behavior and self-destructive choices. I am hurting so much right now - am I expecting that I will hurt less if I bring her back home and let her engage, prolong and repeat the same destructive dance we have been going through for years?</p><p></p><p>You are a great mother. You will make good decisions. You will make the best decisions you can in the moment. If you are like me, you need to take time to ponder these kinds of questions because they are not easy to see when I am in the middle of an emotional and stressful experience. You can always take time - delay can be our best friend I think. It will not harm her to wait for your thoughtful response. It may harm you both if you make a hasty one.</p><p></p><p>Many hugs,</p><p></p><p>Patricia</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 409047, member: 7948"] Nancy - Many hugs. It is sooo tough when our kids put us in the apparent situation of choosing to refuse them help. We are biologically programmed to help our offspring in addition to any conditioning we got along the way and the just plain love we have for this child we nurtured for 18 years so refusing to help them when they ask is about the hardest thing a parent can do. It isn't just our children who are separating from us - it works the other way around too. I have found that it is much easier to see other people's mistakes than it is to see my own. We are struggling with this same essential question - how to separate from our difficult child 2 at the same time he is separating from us. I'm afraid we are not doing that good a job. :( So the following questions really are very similar to ones we are asking ourselves right now and I hope you will not feel criticized or hurt. But, if it were me, I would be thinking long and hard about the choices I made and the way I wanted to proceed. Some questions I would be asking myself would be: 1. Why was I willing to deliver her to the home of people who I believe are condoning and even promoting her addictive behavior? 2. Why was I willing to rescue her from having to find her own way to school when she would have not needed this help if she were clean and sober, still living in your home? 3. Why was I willing (I assume) to pick her up and transport her when she was showing obvious signs that she was continuing to use illegal substances? 4. Why did I call her instead of texting her back "are you clean and sober? if not then the answer is no" since we all know that talking to your child on the phone engages both of us emotionally in ways that an exchange of information through e-mail or texting simply doesn't do? We are biologically programmed to respond to our children's cries from birth and it is a powerful impulse to respond with caretaking when we hear our child in distress. 5. Why am I willing to discuss her returning home when she is clearly not clean and sober given that just the previous week we told her she couldn't live in our home unless she met that basic rule? 6. Am I sending her the kind of consistent message she needs in order to make sense of her world? 7. What do I get out of this? All human interactions are exchanges of some kind. She gets to prolong her separation process, to feel nurtured and safe regardless of her behavior and self-destructive choices. I am hurting so much right now - am I expecting that I will hurt less if I bring her back home and let her engage, prolong and repeat the same destructive dance we have been going through for years? You are a great mother. You will make good decisions. You will make the best decisions you can in the moment. If you are like me, you need to take time to ponder these kinds of questions because they are not easy to see when I am in the middle of an emotional and stressful experience. You can always take time - delay can be our best friend I think. It will not harm her to wait for your thoughtful response. It may harm you both if you make a hasty one. Many hugs, Patricia [/QUOTE]
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