Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Money lost...trust broken
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 726654" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Given that the credit card was already linked to his game, this takes on a MUCH different light. I thought he had gone and gotten the credit card and entered the information with the intent to buy the game gear that he wanted. This is actually MUCH MUCH different.</p><p></p><p>Was he actually aware that you had to pay actual money for the things that he clicked on that he bought? Was the link between spending actual cash and the buy now button ever firmly established in his mind??</p><p></p><p>There are a lot of people, even so called normal adults, who do not fully understand the link between spending money on a credit card and spending cash. They will happily buy and buy and buy on a credit card and yet they are incredibly reluctant to make a purchase if they have to spend actual cash on it. I am not saying this because I know people like this (though I do). Marketing research and psychological research have proven. It would not be far fetched to think that an autistic teenager did not fully understand the link between clicking to buy something in a game and his parents having to spend cash to pay for that item.</p><p></p><p>I would suggest that much of my advice is not pertinent to the situation that you are in. I am sorry that it is so out of line. I truly thought that he had taken your credit card or at least your credit card numbers and had entered them into the game system to buy the things he wanted. Being able to click to purchase while in the fog of the game is a very different thing.</p><p></p><p>I would still explain the situation to the credit card and the game company and ask them to reverse the charges. Most likely they will without any real problems. You may have to pay about $50 of the charges. I do think your son should have to work off this amount, or whatever the minimum amount that the credit card company charges for disputed charges. Having him work off the money (at either minimum wage or the $10/hr wage that stores like Target and even Walmart are starting to use) will help him learn that this is a mistake that comes with consequences. The work should be something like shoveling snow or raking leaves or scrubbing something. It can be anything you want, of course, but physical labor seems to help make the consequences more memorable than if you just let him take the money out of his savings. It was something he had to DO to work off the debt, if that makes sense. </p><p></p><p>I do think he might need to not play that game for at least a while. I would leave that up to his therapist. Given that his therapist knows him well and is well versed in how technology impacts us, his advice should be something you follow. Your son's impulses have already been lowered in this game, and he may or may not be able to control himself in the future. He may be able to figure out your passwords. It might be better if you had him stop playing this game but allowed him to keep playing computer games.</p><p></p><p>Given that the use of the card was not premeditated or even thought out, cutting off all gaming seems extreme. I wonder what he would say if he spoke about this with you and with his therapist. We used to tell my son the behavior that we had a problem with (the use of the credit card), and then the things we were thinking about as consequences and then we would ask for his input. He was always told upfront that the decision about the consequences was ours, and not his, but we wanted his opinion. My suggestions are that he have to: 1. work off the $50 2. limit his computer time and keep his game but not buy any game gear 3. limit his computer time but not as much, not play his computer game but play other games; in 6 months (or 12) the family will discuss letting him earn the right to buy game gear </p><p></p><p>Of those consequences, I would think #1 would be a definite and #3 would be better than #2. Why #3? It would have the family talking about this again in 6-12 months. At that time, Son would have the chance to show that he had changed, that he had learned, and that he would follow whatever steps would earn his parents' trust back. He should know, up front, that steps to earn their trust would be given when the discussion came at the 6 month mark. The ability to buy game gear isn't a right given at this discussion. It is a right able to be earned after this discussion. </p><p></p><p>This time after the family discussion is when he can show he now understands the link between cash in his wallet and credit card spending. Or he can start to learn that link. This is a lesson that will help him immensely throughout his life. You could even contact a credit card company to see if they had any programs to teach responsibility to teens (I think some do). He can also show that he understands that he should come out of the 'game fog' before he clicks that 'buy now' button for game gear. This will also help as more and more of the websites we spend time on have 1 or 2 click buy now buttons. </p><p></p><p>I do think his therapist needs to know what is going on. It is something important. I also think that sometimes an obsessional interest for an autistic person needs to be removed cold turkey. I do think that if the person is willing to lie, cheat or steal (especially from family) to get that item, then that item has become far to important. It doesn't mean the person cannot go back to the interest (as long as it won't hurt them). Sometimes they just get so far into the interest that they have to be pulled back into the world. </p><p></p><p>Some people with autism are like SWOT's son and can moderate their interests. He can buy his games after he pays his rent and bills. My son is able to do that now also. I was in an Asperger's parenting group with quite a few families who had to control their child's finances because otherwise all of the money went to the obsession and none went to bills or food or anything else. Some of them had horrible stories of how far it had to go before the courts would make them the guardian (financial or otherwise) of their children. </p><p></p><p>Only you know what is right for your child. It is always good to have other people's ideas, but you know him. You have good instincts, and he seems like a great kid. It doesn't seem like he has been in trouble before this. If he had, you wouldn't have had your account linked to the computer like that! Take what helps from our advice, and ignore the rest.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 726654, member: 1233"] Given that the credit card was already linked to his game, this takes on a MUCH different light. I thought he had gone and gotten the credit card and entered the information with the intent to buy the game gear that he wanted. This is actually MUCH MUCH different. Was he actually aware that you had to pay actual money for the things that he clicked on that he bought? Was the link between spending actual cash and the buy now button ever firmly established in his mind?? There are a lot of people, even so called normal adults, who do not fully understand the link between spending money on a credit card and spending cash. They will happily buy and buy and buy on a credit card and yet they are incredibly reluctant to make a purchase if they have to spend actual cash on it. I am not saying this because I know people like this (though I do). Marketing research and psychological research have proven. It would not be far fetched to think that an autistic teenager did not fully understand the link between clicking to buy something in a game and his parents having to spend cash to pay for that item. I would suggest that much of my advice is not pertinent to the situation that you are in. I am sorry that it is so out of line. I truly thought that he had taken your credit card or at least your credit card numbers and had entered them into the game system to buy the things he wanted. Being able to click to purchase while in the fog of the game is a very different thing. I would still explain the situation to the credit card and the game company and ask them to reverse the charges. Most likely they will without any real problems. You may have to pay about $50 of the charges. I do think your son should have to work off this amount, or whatever the minimum amount that the credit card company charges for disputed charges. Having him work off the money (at either minimum wage or the $10/hr wage that stores like Target and even Walmart are starting to use) will help him learn that this is a mistake that comes with consequences. The work should be something like shoveling snow or raking leaves or scrubbing something. It can be anything you want, of course, but physical labor seems to help make the consequences more memorable than if you just let him take the money out of his savings. It was something he had to DO to work off the debt, if that makes sense. I do think he might need to not play that game for at least a while. I would leave that up to his therapist. Given that his therapist knows him well and is well versed in how technology impacts us, his advice should be something you follow. Your son's impulses have already been lowered in this game, and he may or may not be able to control himself in the future. He may be able to figure out your passwords. It might be better if you had him stop playing this game but allowed him to keep playing computer games. Given that the use of the card was not premeditated or even thought out, cutting off all gaming seems extreme. I wonder what he would say if he spoke about this with you and with his therapist. We used to tell my son the behavior that we had a problem with (the use of the credit card), and then the things we were thinking about as consequences and then we would ask for his input. He was always told upfront that the decision about the consequences was ours, and not his, but we wanted his opinion. My suggestions are that he have to: 1. work off the $50 2. limit his computer time and keep his game but not buy any game gear 3. limit his computer time but not as much, not play his computer game but play other games; in 6 months (or 12) the family will discuss letting him earn the right to buy game gear Of those consequences, I would think #1 would be a definite and #3 would be better than #2. Why #3? It would have the family talking about this again in 6-12 months. At that time, Son would have the chance to show that he had changed, that he had learned, and that he would follow whatever steps would earn his parents' trust back. He should know, up front, that steps to earn their trust would be given when the discussion came at the 6 month mark. The ability to buy game gear isn't a right given at this discussion. It is a right able to be earned after this discussion. This time after the family discussion is when he can show he now understands the link between cash in his wallet and credit card spending. Or he can start to learn that link. This is a lesson that will help him immensely throughout his life. You could even contact a credit card company to see if they had any programs to teach responsibility to teens (I think some do). He can also show that he understands that he should come out of the 'game fog' before he clicks that 'buy now' button for game gear. This will also help as more and more of the websites we spend time on have 1 or 2 click buy now buttons. I do think his therapist needs to know what is going on. It is something important. I also think that sometimes an obsessional interest for an autistic person needs to be removed cold turkey. I do think that if the person is willing to lie, cheat or steal (especially from family) to get that item, then that item has become far to important. It doesn't mean the person cannot go back to the interest (as long as it won't hurt them). Sometimes they just get so far into the interest that they have to be pulled back into the world. Some people with autism are like SWOT's son and can moderate their interests. He can buy his games after he pays his rent and bills. My son is able to do that now also. I was in an Asperger's parenting group with quite a few families who had to control their child's finances because otherwise all of the money went to the obsession and none went to bills or food or anything else. Some of them had horrible stories of how far it had to go before the courts would make them the guardian (financial or otherwise) of their children. Only you know what is right for your child. It is always good to have other people's ideas, but you know him. You have good instincts, and he seems like a great kid. It doesn't seem like he has been in trouble before this. If he had, you wouldn't have had your account linked to the computer like that! Take what helps from our advice, and ignore the rest. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Money lost...trust broken
Top