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Family of Origin
Mothers...specifically ones with personality disorders. How their offspring fare.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 665231" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>To me, that is a responsible way to look at things for our kids, and for our grands. And for ourselves, too. When you really look at it, we are raising ourselves now, not only with lifestyle choices, but with the kind of self talk we are comfortable with. I have discovered some mercilessly toxic self talk floating around in my psyche, and have been able to address it through the work we do in the FOO Chronicles.</p><p></p><p>Back to your thinking on how to ferret out influences we do not want to leave our kid or grands with. Very responsible for all of us to do that, but especially so when our grown kids are so troubled. Whereas you seem to be looking at it in a rational way, I had been raised in a decidedly less than optimal environment. Negative self talk kicked in, along with perfectionism and responsible-for-everything that an abused person comes into adulthood with. I was certain I had done something, said something, to cause what happened with my kids ~ but I didn't know what it was. I could never find what it was. But because I believed I was responsible, but could not find or address whatever it was, I was no longer able to parent with authority or confidence.</p><p></p><p>So my take on your question is: If you can name things you would do differently, then do them differently. If you cannot find specific things, if a helping professional cannot give you specific things <em>you can verify</em>, then you were a good enough mom and will be a beloved and good enough grandmother, too.</p><p></p><p>We don't have to be perfect.</p><p></p><p>We just have to love them.</p><p></p><p>My grandmother loved me, and all of us, all the cousins and sibs. I am certain it was my grandmother's influence that made it possible for me to believe there was good in me.</p><p></p><p>That is what I had, and it was enough.</p><p></p><p>My grandmother.</p><p></p><p>To know you are out there in the world and that you love them ~ even if your child forbids you access to your grands at some point ~ will be the thing you can do that will make all the difference for them. </p><p></p><p>How many grands, Super Granny? </p><p></p><p>We have six. The oldest is 22, the youngest is 6. They're amazing and funny and so bright and I love them in some delightful way having to do with the fact that I am not responsible for them in the same way a parent is. We are forever at war with our son, so I don't know his sons as well as I know our daughter's kids. If we can manage to actually wrangle an invitation he doesn't rescind, we will try to see them soon to re-establish that "someone in the world loves me" for them in person.</p><p></p><p>That is what grandmas can do. We can just love them as they are, and that can make all the difference in the world.</p><p></p><p>For them, and for us too, really. It is good to be loved, and to love, wholeheartedly.</p><p></p><p>We actually have seven grands in a way. We have a grandson maybe who isn't really our grandson, but he has been here with his half-sister and seems willing.</p><p></p><p>I get such a charge out of him. So, yeah. Maybe, we will have seven grands, soon.</p><p></p><p>He is 22.</p><p></p><p>I would like him to see me as a grandma of his.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 665231, member: 17461"] To me, that is a responsible way to look at things for our kids, and for our grands. And for ourselves, too. When you really look at it, we are raising ourselves now, not only with lifestyle choices, but with the kind of self talk we are comfortable with. I have discovered some mercilessly toxic self talk floating around in my psyche, and have been able to address it through the work we do in the FOO Chronicles. Back to your thinking on how to ferret out influences we do not want to leave our kid or grands with. Very responsible for all of us to do that, but especially so when our grown kids are so troubled. Whereas you seem to be looking at it in a rational way, I had been raised in a decidedly less than optimal environment. Negative self talk kicked in, along with perfectionism and responsible-for-everything that an abused person comes into adulthood with. I was certain I had done something, said something, to cause what happened with my kids ~ but I didn't know what it was. I could never find what it was. But because I believed I was responsible, but could not find or address whatever it was, I was no longer able to parent with authority or confidence. So my take on your question is: If you can name things you would do differently, then do them differently. If you cannot find specific things, if a helping professional cannot give you specific things [I]you can verify[/I], then you were a good enough mom and will be a beloved and good enough grandmother, too. We don't have to be perfect. We just have to love them. My grandmother loved me, and all of us, all the cousins and sibs. I am certain it was my grandmother's influence that made it possible for me to believe there was good in me. That is what I had, and it was enough. My grandmother. To know you are out there in the world and that you love them ~ even if your child forbids you access to your grands at some point ~ will be the thing you can do that will make all the difference for them. How many grands, Super Granny? We have six. The oldest is 22, the youngest is 6. They're amazing and funny and so bright and I love them in some delightful way having to do with the fact that I am not responsible for them in the same way a parent is. We are forever at war with our son, so I don't know his sons as well as I know our daughter's kids. If we can manage to actually wrangle an invitation he doesn't rescind, we will try to see them soon to re-establish that "someone in the world loves me" for them in person. That is what grandmas can do. We can just love them as they are, and that can make all the difference in the world. For them, and for us too, really. It is good to be loved, and to love, wholeheartedly. We actually have seven grands in a way. We have a grandson maybe who isn't really our grandson, but he has been here with his half-sister and seems willing. I get such a charge out of him. So, yeah. Maybe, we will have seven grands, soon. He is 22. I would like him to see me as a grandma of his. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Mothers...specifically ones with personality disorders. How their offspring fare.
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