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<blockquote data-quote="buddy" data-source="post: 501930" data-attributes="member: 12886"><p>great first steps, but you are right... a plan without action is not a plan. I don't think it has to be no interaction and be a drill sergeant... this is just my opinion, so obviously if it does not fit for you just ignore... </p><p></p><p>for most of us, if a plan is going to work, it works best with it being a skill building, positive reward plan.... To start you might need to help her to build the skills you have not yet gotten her to do. You may need to pick one toy up then she picks one up and it is a game... at the end, playing a game of (whatever) is a reward. For my son, stickers can be a reward themselves...but using them to fill a chart is futile. Your daughter is unique and if that works for her it would be great...building to earn something. Many of our difficult child's have conditions that dont allow for that kind of delayed gratification to work. </p><p>In traditional behavioral training, if you have a kid that it works on (and you dont know really until you try) when teaching / learning a behavior at first it is best to do immediate rewards. then once she is showing signs of learning, you give more intermittent rewards, then you can do random rewards to maintain the behavior (hey, I have really liked how you have been making your bed lately, lets go to a movie!)</p><p></p><p>For many of us it is really more that they need the immediate satisfaction and even that doesn't work for some.</p><p></p><p>IF she refuses, THEN you move to the consequences.... but that is a separate chart. Refusal to clean, the toys go in a trash bag and stored for X amount of time.</p><p></p><p>Refusal to use manners at the table, you can eat alone.</p><p></p><p>Just making stuff up here....</p><p></p><p>Of course for some, the classic reward is an allowance. But since she is used to getting your undivided attention, you might need to keep some interaction and use it as a reward and a sometimes relationship building thing, but she can't use you as her playmate all the time.... </p><p></p><p></p><p>Some parents like to have the child list what they like to do. Then when they say I'm bored, you can give the list and again, if she uses it appropriately to find something to do then she gets the reward... you entertain yourself for two hours today and I will play one hour of a game, or read, or watch a movie with you tonight.</p><p></p><p>I think a list like</p><p></p><p>1. help clear up dishes..............................20cents (or a tatoo, or a hug, or whatever motivates her)</p><p>2. pick up toys with mom at 4 pm daily.........................1 hour activity with mom at 7 pm...</p><p></p><p></p><p>etc... you make your choices (if you think this kind of thing would even work or if you have not tried it)</p><p></p><p>but this is much more appropriate in my view, for a young child who is just learning and has not had such expectations</p><p></p><p>than</p><p></p><p>1. help mom with dishes...............if you dont then you will lose a privelege or a toy.</p><p></p><p>2. pick up toys at 4...................if you dont then you will lose a privelege, or you will go to be early , etc...</p><p></p><p>Does that make sense?</p><p></p><p>For consequences, I would have a separate page saying... If you do not follow directions, you will get one reminder/warning... then if you still do not follow the direction, you will lose a privelege that mom will choose:</p><p></p><p>1. no tv</p><p>2. no game time with mom</p><p>3. toys go in storage for several days</p><p></p><p>etc. </p><p></p><p>One thing to be careful of is not to take away earned things when they are just learning or when they are young... peeling stickers off charts, losing money they already earned etc... not ok. Just take away future things....stick to the consequence.</p><p></p><p>Now, if you are dealing with aggression and they are smacking you before you are about to have your special reward time well of course that is a different story. They can have the reward another day. She must turn it around and hurting you would not be allowed. I can't remember if that is an issue for you but just saying... clearly you are not going to sit and read a happy story with a kid who is calling you names etc.</p><p></p><p>For a kid like mine who is learning to try to relax and stop behaviors like that, well, then that IS his program and what he is rewarded for... he calms he is rewarded for doing so. Really hard to not feel like I want to take his world away at that point but it is working. I have moments where I just have to act in the moment for safety but when he does turn things around well, offers on his own to "deep breathe" to go for a walk, etc... he gets a small, not over the top reward for that... luckily he gets too anxious about big things so little things like a tatoo or saying "nice walking" works for him. He used to HATE all compliments but is doing better.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="buddy, post: 501930, member: 12886"] great first steps, but you are right... a plan without action is not a plan. I don't think it has to be no interaction and be a drill sergeant... this is just my opinion, so obviously if it does not fit for you just ignore... for most of us, if a plan is going to work, it works best with it being a skill building, positive reward plan.... To start you might need to help her to build the skills you have not yet gotten her to do. You may need to pick one toy up then she picks one up and it is a game... at the end, playing a game of (whatever) is a reward. For my son, stickers can be a reward themselves...but using them to fill a chart is futile. Your daughter is unique and if that works for her it would be great...building to earn something. Many of our difficult child's have conditions that dont allow for that kind of delayed gratification to work. In traditional behavioral training, if you have a kid that it works on (and you dont know really until you try) when teaching / learning a behavior at first it is best to do immediate rewards. then once she is showing signs of learning, you give more intermittent rewards, then you can do random rewards to maintain the behavior (hey, I have really liked how you have been making your bed lately, lets go to a movie!) For many of us it is really more that they need the immediate satisfaction and even that doesn't work for some. IF she refuses, THEN you move to the consequences.... but that is a separate chart. Refusal to clean, the toys go in a trash bag and stored for X amount of time. Refusal to use manners at the table, you can eat alone. Just making stuff up here.... Of course for some, the classic reward is an allowance. But since she is used to getting your undivided attention, you might need to keep some interaction and use it as a reward and a sometimes relationship building thing, but she can't use you as her playmate all the time.... Some parents like to have the child list what they like to do. Then when they say I'm bored, you can give the list and again, if she uses it appropriately to find something to do then she gets the reward... you entertain yourself for two hours today and I will play one hour of a game, or read, or watch a movie with you tonight. I think a list like 1. help clear up dishes..............................20cents (or a tatoo, or a hug, or whatever motivates her) 2. pick up toys with mom at 4 pm daily.........................1 hour activity with mom at 7 pm... etc... you make your choices (if you think this kind of thing would even work or if you have not tried it) but this is much more appropriate in my view, for a young child who is just learning and has not had such expectations than 1. help mom with dishes...............if you dont then you will lose a privelege or a toy. 2. pick up toys at 4...................if you dont then you will lose a privelege, or you will go to be early , etc... Does that make sense? For consequences, I would have a separate page saying... If you do not follow directions, you will get one reminder/warning... then if you still do not follow the direction, you will lose a privelege that mom will choose: 1. no tv 2. no game time with mom 3. toys go in storage for several days etc. One thing to be careful of is not to take away earned things when they are just learning or when they are young... peeling stickers off charts, losing money they already earned etc... not ok. Just take away future things....stick to the consequence. Now, if you are dealing with aggression and they are smacking you before you are about to have your special reward time well of course that is a different story. They can have the reward another day. She must turn it around and hurting you would not be allowed. I can't remember if that is an issue for you but just saying... clearly you are not going to sit and read a happy story with a kid who is calling you names etc. For a kid like mine who is learning to try to relax and stop behaviors like that, well, then that IS his program and what he is rewarded for... he calms he is rewarded for doing so. Really hard to not feel like I want to take his world away at that point but it is working. I have moments where I just have to act in the moment for safety but when he does turn things around well, offers on his own to "deep breathe" to go for a walk, etc... he gets a small, not over the top reward for that... luckily he gets too anxious about big things so little things like a tatoo or saying "nice walking" works for him. He used to HATE all compliments but is doing better. [/QUOTE]
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