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Mr. Sticky Fingers strikes again ... cousin's money
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 398570" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>This is a hard battle and it is going to take a long time to win, if you ever can. in my opinion it takes a multi-prong, pretty drastic approach. I assume your difficult child has a really good grasp of "his" things and if something of his was stolen he would completely blow a gasket? We actually had to take some things from difficult child with-o telling him he was losing them before we did it. yes, stealing is wrong, but Wiz did NOT see how bad it felt until he was a "victim" of it. In reality his things were taken to pay off debts he owed because he stole or destroyed other's things/money. BOY did he lose it when he realized that HIS money was gone!! I mean really really LOSE IT! He did NOT get sympathy OR "his" stuff/money back. </p><p> </p><p>A LOT of people said it was mean and wrong to do that. With any other kid I would agree. Not with Wiz. We tried everything else and until we did this NOTHING ever got through to him. He believed he could not be stolen from because he would "get" the other person but he could steal with impunity because when HE wanted it he had a RIGHT to have it even if he had to steal to get it. Having his things stolen from him and NOT getting them back was a HUGE wake-up call. It was the beginning of honesty for him, at least in regard to theft. </p><p> </p><p>I also insisted that when he stole he had to PAY for the item AND give it back. He stole items from a dollar store and had to pay $10 for gas and his dad's snack and drink to take him over an hour each way to return the item, he had to give the item back AND he had to pay for the item even though it was "only" a dollar. If the store had pressed charges he would have had to go through that and foot any bills for it himself (or pay us back if we had to pay). He stole from my favorite used bookstore when I would not buy him a D&D dice game. Again he had to pay for gas and my snacks/drink, plus pay for the item, plus return it and take whatever consequences they dished out. There he got an hour lecture from an older lady who really managed to reach him - and embarrass him by making him really SEE what he was doing to the family (can you see why it is my fave used bookstore? They are just AWESOME - and by taking him back there that way I became a favorite customer!). We had a tough time with my parents because they blamed everyone but difficult child when he stole. He stole and ended up getting a nintendo DS with $$ he stole, but Jess and I were blamed for the theft. It was shortly after Wiz moved in with my parents and they refused to believe he would steal from them. He was told that until he owned up he could NOT come here - and we stuck to it. Finally I got an apology from both him and my mother for accusing me of stealing over $100 from her and my dad, and Jess also got one. It took refusing to visit them for their bdays because the ugliness of it all.</p><p> </p><p>I would make him give back the $$ to them (not have you do it), and would make him do HARD LABOR - scrubbing tubs, outdoor furniture, digging garden beds, weeding, even have him dig a hole and then fill it in and dig another, anything hard and physical that he DOES NOT want to do until he has earned that amt of $$ at minimum wage per hour. He would NOT get another PENNY in allowance or gifts or spending money until he had worked off that debt. And gifts/spending money/etc... could NOT be used to pay down the debt either. ONLY his hard work could do that because that is what will stick in his mind. He will begin to remember that if he steals he not only doesn't get the item, he gets hours and hours of hard, unpleasant work until he pays back the same amt of $$ whatever he stole and cannot have is worth.</p><p> </p><p>When difficult child stole games he was also never allowed to have that game again until he was an adult, in addition to the other stuff. </p><p> </p><p>I know I sound mean, even ugly to some. We did a LOT of things before we resorted to what I outlined above. Until we made him SEE how it felt to have your things stolen and not returned, and made him work off the amt of $$ for the item or whatever, plus made him give it back and NEVER have it again - until ALL of these were done he simply would NOT STOP. He didn't even believe it was wrong for him to steal. He was "owed" these things and had every right to them, regardless of who the owner really was. Made no difference if he stole from us, a store, a friend, or a stranger. He was banned from a couple of places - one after he moved out was a sword and knife shop where the owner told him he would stab him if he came in again. Wiz wanted to bring charges for having been threatened, but when we got the whole story out it was clear he was trying to pocket a knife and the owner was simply letting him know that he would defend his store. I thanked the owner because it finally made an impression on Wiz.</p><p> </p><p>The diet stuff is hard. When he has eaten the wrong things and then behaves badly, does he EVER get let off the hook for the behavior because it is due to what he ate? It sounds like he is trying to use the food as an excuse for bad behavior, NOT that you let this happen. At least in his mind it may be justified in some way. You have to start imposing some pretty big consequences for eating stuff that he reacts to. Treat it like taking a mind-altering or illegal drug. If he were to smoke pot or cigarettes, what would you do? For him, food acts much the same way as many drugs can, so start imposing that kind of consequences. You also ahve to limit his exposure even if it means no one else can eat that stuff in the house until he starts to buy into the diet stuff. Give him enough trouble that the pleasure of the food just is not worth it. Otherwise there isn't much you can do about it. </p><p> </p><p>I wish it was easier.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 398570, member: 1233"] This is a hard battle and it is going to take a long time to win, if you ever can. in my opinion it takes a multi-prong, pretty drastic approach. I assume your difficult child has a really good grasp of "his" things and if something of his was stolen he would completely blow a gasket? We actually had to take some things from difficult child with-o telling him he was losing them before we did it. yes, stealing is wrong, but Wiz did NOT see how bad it felt until he was a "victim" of it. In reality his things were taken to pay off debts he owed because he stole or destroyed other's things/money. BOY did he lose it when he realized that HIS money was gone!! I mean really really LOSE IT! He did NOT get sympathy OR "his" stuff/money back. A LOT of people said it was mean and wrong to do that. With any other kid I would agree. Not with Wiz. We tried everything else and until we did this NOTHING ever got through to him. He believed he could not be stolen from because he would "get" the other person but he could steal with impunity because when HE wanted it he had a RIGHT to have it even if he had to steal to get it. Having his things stolen from him and NOT getting them back was a HUGE wake-up call. It was the beginning of honesty for him, at least in regard to theft. I also insisted that when he stole he had to PAY for the item AND give it back. He stole items from a dollar store and had to pay $10 for gas and his dad's snack and drink to take him over an hour each way to return the item, he had to give the item back AND he had to pay for the item even though it was "only" a dollar. If the store had pressed charges he would have had to go through that and foot any bills for it himself (or pay us back if we had to pay). He stole from my favorite used bookstore when I would not buy him a D&D dice game. Again he had to pay for gas and my snacks/drink, plus pay for the item, plus return it and take whatever consequences they dished out. There he got an hour lecture from an older lady who really managed to reach him - and embarrass him by making him really SEE what he was doing to the family (can you see why it is my fave used bookstore? They are just AWESOME - and by taking him back there that way I became a favorite customer!). We had a tough time with my parents because they blamed everyone but difficult child when he stole. He stole and ended up getting a nintendo DS with $$ he stole, but Jess and I were blamed for the theft. It was shortly after Wiz moved in with my parents and they refused to believe he would steal from them. He was told that until he owned up he could NOT come here - and we stuck to it. Finally I got an apology from both him and my mother for accusing me of stealing over $100 from her and my dad, and Jess also got one. It took refusing to visit them for their bdays because the ugliness of it all. I would make him give back the $$ to them (not have you do it), and would make him do HARD LABOR - scrubbing tubs, outdoor furniture, digging garden beds, weeding, even have him dig a hole and then fill it in and dig another, anything hard and physical that he DOES NOT want to do until he has earned that amt of $$ at minimum wage per hour. He would NOT get another PENNY in allowance or gifts or spending money until he had worked off that debt. And gifts/spending money/etc... could NOT be used to pay down the debt either. ONLY his hard work could do that because that is what will stick in his mind. He will begin to remember that if he steals he not only doesn't get the item, he gets hours and hours of hard, unpleasant work until he pays back the same amt of $$ whatever he stole and cannot have is worth. When difficult child stole games he was also never allowed to have that game again until he was an adult, in addition to the other stuff. I know I sound mean, even ugly to some. We did a LOT of things before we resorted to what I outlined above. Until we made him SEE how it felt to have your things stolen and not returned, and made him work off the amt of $$ for the item or whatever, plus made him give it back and NEVER have it again - until ALL of these were done he simply would NOT STOP. He didn't even believe it was wrong for him to steal. He was "owed" these things and had every right to them, regardless of who the owner really was. Made no difference if he stole from us, a store, a friend, or a stranger. He was banned from a couple of places - one after he moved out was a sword and knife shop where the owner told him he would stab him if he came in again. Wiz wanted to bring charges for having been threatened, but when we got the whole story out it was clear he was trying to pocket a knife and the owner was simply letting him know that he would defend his store. I thanked the owner because it finally made an impression on Wiz. The diet stuff is hard. When he has eaten the wrong things and then behaves badly, does he EVER get let off the hook for the behavior because it is due to what he ate? It sounds like he is trying to use the food as an excuse for bad behavior, NOT that you let this happen. At least in his mind it may be justified in some way. You have to start imposing some pretty big consequences for eating stuff that he reacts to. Treat it like taking a mind-altering or illegal drug. If he were to smoke pot or cigarettes, what would you do? For him, food acts much the same way as many drugs can, so start imposing that kind of consequences. You also ahve to limit his exposure even if it means no one else can eat that stuff in the house until he starts to buy into the diet stuff. Give him enough trouble that the pleasure of the food just is not worth it. Otherwise there isn't much you can do about it. I wish it was easier. [/QUOTE]
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