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Musing Aloud: Can a truce be called? Can you reach out to your child with-in your difficult child?
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 473432"><p>Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say "very respectful" and 2 of the 3 disruptive incidents were over the summer.(the night he came home and the night he left) So, I need to nip those in the bud. Our interaction over the 3 months he was home was definitely "simmering under the surface." Which we made the mistake of placating and I won't walk on tiptoes again. He definitely was chafing under our roof. He wanted to be treated like an adult which in his eyes equaled being able to come and go when and how he pleased with very little asked of him and virtually no consideration of how his schedule affected anyone else. I am not going back there. Plus we have a soon-to-be 18 year old and we need to set some standards.</p><p></p><p>Forgive me as I think aloud...</p><p></p><p>I am on the fence with the "ummm some issues" - could I look the other way if everything else was stellar? I can't answer that for sure, but - yes, probably. But the facts are the facts. My clean cut, open, honest and delightful honor roll student came home a changed man. His grades are sucky (B-, a C, a D and an W in lieu of an F last semester, 3 C's the semester before) slovenly appearance, hostile attitude, and prolific lying. Add in substance use (when he promised to abstain because he was a past abuser identified at high risk of addiction) and it makes me think that "ummm" is not working in his favor; Know what I mean?? Cause and effect...and really if you could gain $20K per year (tuition and room and board, etc) by abstaining from ummm issues... wouldn't you abstain? Or at least get it under control so it didn't effect all aspects of your life? It's definitely a problem for him.</p><p></p><p>Plus, between his eye injury and his concussion - more than 1 doctor has advised him to live a clean lifestyle so his brain could heal. AND he has Reactive Airways Disease - so smoking is a really bad idea...</p><p></p><p>But yes, so long as it wasn't in my face and he was successful in other areas in his life, I could definitely consider a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. And I have no intention of drug testing him unless he wants to drive. I just don't want him coming home falling down drunk or sky high...</p><p></p><p>So, I think I am open to what looks like a carrot and stick plan. It makes me sick to my stomach that he would rather go into debt and live hand to mouth than to stay clean (or fly under the radar)for 3 more years...but that's his choice. If he can get his grades together (which he likely has not - he'd be crowing if his mid term grades were honorable), I will pay his tuition next semester. If he has a change of heart and wants to come home and get his act together, the door is open. If he can agree to our household standards, he is welcome to live here during breaks ... if not; at least I tried. </p><p></p><p>And "if not" - I may need you girls to pick me up when I collapse...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 473432"] Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say "very respectful" and 2 of the 3 disruptive incidents were over the summer.(the night he came home and the night he left) So, I need to nip those in the bud. Our interaction over the 3 months he was home was definitely "simmering under the surface." Which we made the mistake of placating and I won't walk on tiptoes again. He definitely was chafing under our roof. He wanted to be treated like an adult which in his eyes equaled being able to come and go when and how he pleased with very little asked of him and virtually no consideration of how his schedule affected anyone else. I am not going back there. Plus we have a soon-to-be 18 year old and we need to set some standards. Forgive me as I think aloud... I am on the fence with the "ummm some issues" - could I look the other way if everything else was stellar? I can't answer that for sure, but - yes, probably. But the facts are the facts. My clean cut, open, honest and delightful honor roll student came home a changed man. His grades are sucky (B-, a C, a D and an W in lieu of an F last semester, 3 C's the semester before) slovenly appearance, hostile attitude, and prolific lying. Add in substance use (when he promised to abstain because he was a past abuser identified at high risk of addiction) and it makes me think that "ummm" is not working in his favor; Know what I mean?? Cause and effect...and really if you could gain $20K per year (tuition and room and board, etc) by abstaining from ummm issues... wouldn't you abstain? Or at least get it under control so it didn't effect all aspects of your life? It's definitely a problem for him. Plus, between his eye injury and his concussion - more than 1 doctor has advised him to live a clean lifestyle so his brain could heal. AND he has Reactive Airways Disease - so smoking is a really bad idea... But yes, so long as it wasn't in my face and he was successful in other areas in his life, I could definitely consider a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. And I have no intention of drug testing him unless he wants to drive. I just don't want him coming home falling down drunk or sky high... So, I think I am open to what looks like a carrot and stick plan. It makes me sick to my stomach that he would rather go into debt and live hand to mouth than to stay clean (or fly under the radar)for 3 more years...but that's his choice. If he can get his grades together (which he likely has not - he'd be crowing if his mid term grades were honorable), I will pay his tuition next semester. If he has a change of heart and wants to come home and get his act together, the door is open. If he can agree to our household standards, he is welcome to live here during breaks ... if not; at least I tried. And "if not" - I may need you girls to pick me up when I collapse... [/QUOTE]
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