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My 25 year old daughter wants space
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<blockquote data-quote="Steph2mm" data-source="post: 736571" data-attributes="member: 23243"><p>ok, thank you!</p><p>I have had numerous issues trying to parent, nothing extraordinarily out of control, but just underlying anger from my daughter. She is 25 now, but when she was in highschool we had problems with her smoking pot and being somewhat out of control(ie: hooked up with a boy in a hot tub while a whole party was going on, etc) Her father and I are divorced and both of us are remarried. We are able to work together a bit while parenting although his wife is jealous and controlling of his time. He has kinda a doormat personality which is frustrating. Anyway we had numerous talks and consequences for her behavior, but in the end, my ex called the police one night because she was smoking pot in his house. They ticketed her and she completed diversion and I believe that was a turning point for her. We really had no further issues with her, but it was also her senior year of high school so she moved on. Went off to college, but then subsequently wanted to move back to town for her boyfriend. Transferred back to town, broke up with said boyfriend, and then we found out she pretty much failed all her classes once she was back and withdrew from the rest before grades came out. She decided to just work(which I said was fine, schools not for everyone)! </p><p>She then proceeded to tell all of us that she was pursuing and taking her CNA so she could go to nursing school. Of course we were elated and happy she made a decision! Her dad and I would talk to her about her class and ask her out for dinner(with each of our respected families, not together)...One day I got a call from her father saying that he was questioning whether my daughter was actually taking the classes or not. Long story, short....she had been lying to us. I had another talk with her about it being alright if she did not want to go to school....college is not for everyone, but I did address the lying, but tried to see the underlying problem. She continued to work and say she wanted to pursue nursing...continued to drag her feet, etc, etc, etc....In the meantime all her parent plus loans started coming due(which are in my name). I mentioned it to her and while she has never been flippant about it, she also has always just is kinda like she has not a care in the world. As the date to start paying got closer I decided I would talk to her about her time line at dinner one night with her and my son. This was the beginning of the end(so to speak). I pushed too hard, she told me numerous times she didn't want to discuss it in public and I continued because I just felt like she was making excuses. She broke down, cried, and eventually left the restaurant. Nothing resolved. I ended up texting her and apologizing for continuing to badger her, etc. She did ask the next day what the balance on the loan was and when it was due.</p><p>Fast forward a few months.....her and her boyfriend were at our house and we were just hanging out talking and laughing about how cute she was when she was little and I said she was the best child the only problem i ever had was with potty training her. ( really bad subject!, lots of bad parenting) I felt like it was just word vomit that I couldn't quit or get out of. Another apology given from me at which time she said she felt like it was a pattern with me bringing up inappropriate things and then apologizing..i argued that the student loan was not inappropriate. It was rocky but we moved on......until this past Sunday. We had made plans for her and her boyfriend to come out for the 4th of July...I prepared and bought things so they could stay the weekend, etc. and I get a text saying they were just going to come out for a couple hours, not the weekend. I texted why not....she gave some excuses... I then called her because my feelings were kinda hurt. We had big breakdown, I cried, she cried....it was bad.</p><p>I, of course, asked her if she would call me the next day after work. She called was extremely ugly, rude, disrespectful and told me none of any of the above conversations were her fault and she did nothing wrong. She said I had a pattern of criticizing her and then apologizing. She said it was not going to be resolved and she was sick of it. She kept saying to me..."are you listening when I tell you it's not getting resolved". I finally broke down again squeaked out, "ok, bye". </p><p>I literally felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and seriously considered driving 30 minutes to her apartment...it was awful.</p><p>A couple side notes: She has a habit of not finishing anything and has considerable difficulty motivating herself to do anything, loves to make excuses about how she is a millenial and we are all prejudiced and out of line.</p><p>-I acted out in my first marriage when things started going downhill and have lots of guilt and shame that I continually tried to make right with my kids...My two children mean the world to me and even if their parents are not together both of us have always been involved. I had a pretty close relationship with my daughter, maybe to a fault.</p><p>My son could not be more of a polar opposite of my daughter...he's younger and graduated with an engineering degree, just moved to Denver after getting a job with a firm there, the most motivated and loving person.</p><p>I need advice as I am so lost and don't want to do any more damage.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Steph2mm, post: 736571, member: 23243"] ok, thank you! I have had numerous issues trying to parent, nothing extraordinarily out of control, but just underlying anger from my daughter. She is 25 now, but when she was in highschool we had problems with her smoking pot and being somewhat out of control(ie: hooked up with a boy in a hot tub while a whole party was going on, etc) Her father and I are divorced and both of us are remarried. We are able to work together a bit while parenting although his wife is jealous and controlling of his time. He has kinda a doormat personality which is frustrating. Anyway we had numerous talks and consequences for her behavior, but in the end, my ex called the police one night because she was smoking pot in his house. They ticketed her and she completed diversion and I believe that was a turning point for her. We really had no further issues with her, but it was also her senior year of high school so she moved on. Went off to college, but then subsequently wanted to move back to town for her boyfriend. Transferred back to town, broke up with said boyfriend, and then we found out she pretty much failed all her classes once she was back and withdrew from the rest before grades came out. She decided to just work(which I said was fine, schools not for everyone)! She then proceeded to tell all of us that she was pursuing and taking her CNA so she could go to nursing school. Of course we were elated and happy she made a decision! Her dad and I would talk to her about her class and ask her out for dinner(with each of our respected families, not together)...One day I got a call from her father saying that he was questioning whether my daughter was actually taking the classes or not. Long story, short....she had been lying to us. I had another talk with her about it being alright if she did not want to go to school....college is not for everyone, but I did address the lying, but tried to see the underlying problem. She continued to work and say she wanted to pursue nursing...continued to drag her feet, etc, etc, etc....In the meantime all her parent plus loans started coming due(which are in my name). I mentioned it to her and while she has never been flippant about it, she also has always just is kinda like she has not a care in the world. As the date to start paying got closer I decided I would talk to her about her time line at dinner one night with her and my son. This was the beginning of the end(so to speak). I pushed too hard, she told me numerous times she didn't want to discuss it in public and I continued because I just felt like she was making excuses. She broke down, cried, and eventually left the restaurant. Nothing resolved. I ended up texting her and apologizing for continuing to badger her, etc. She did ask the next day what the balance on the loan was and when it was due. Fast forward a few months.....her and her boyfriend were at our house and we were just hanging out talking and laughing about how cute she was when she was little and I said she was the best child the only problem i ever had was with potty training her. ( really bad subject!, lots of bad parenting) I felt like it was just word vomit that I couldn't quit or get out of. Another apology given from me at which time she said she felt like it was a pattern with me bringing up inappropriate things and then apologizing..i argued that the student loan was not inappropriate. It was rocky but we moved on......until this past Sunday. We had made plans for her and her boyfriend to come out for the 4th of July...I prepared and bought things so they could stay the weekend, etc. and I get a text saying they were just going to come out for a couple hours, not the weekend. I texted why not....she gave some excuses... I then called her because my feelings were kinda hurt. We had big breakdown, I cried, she cried....it was bad. I, of course, asked her if she would call me the next day after work. She called was extremely ugly, rude, disrespectful and told me none of any of the above conversations were her fault and she did nothing wrong. She said I had a pattern of criticizing her and then apologizing. She said it was not going to be resolved and she was sick of it. She kept saying to me..."are you listening when I tell you it's not getting resolved". I finally broke down again squeaked out, "ok, bye". I literally felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and seriously considered driving 30 minutes to her apartment...it was awful. A couple side notes: She has a habit of not finishing anything and has considerable difficulty motivating herself to do anything, loves to make excuses about how she is a millenial and we are all prejudiced and out of line. -I acted out in my first marriage when things started going downhill and have lots of guilt and shame that I continually tried to make right with my kids...My two children mean the world to me and even if their parents are not together both of us have always been involved. I had a pretty close relationship with my daughter, maybe to a fault. My son could not be more of a polar opposite of my daughter...he's younger and graduated with an engineering degree, just moved to Denver after getting a job with a firm there, the most motivated and loving person. I need advice as I am so lost and don't want to do any more damage. [/QUOTE]
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