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Substance Abuse
My 29 year old son is homeless and addicted, and 700 miles from me...
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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 674697" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Hello Pam,</p><p></p><p>I just saw your post and must sleep soon, but I wanted to acknowledge you and welcome you to this forum, although sorry for the situation that brings you here.</p><p></p><p>I think everyone here and on the Parents Emeritus forum has experienced many times the heartache and panic you find yourself in at this time. You are reacting, in fight or flight mode, and it is a frantic feeling. And it makes you feel as though you must do something, and do it now. Your son appears not to be in any rush. He called because he needed money (always a given) and he got it from you (also probably a given for him in his past experiences). These difficult children know very well how to manipulate and pull the heart strings to get what they want, be it money, transportation, a place to live, food to eat, etc. etc. Your son wanted money and called you, and then made promises (always and again there are promises / lies ) to call you back with information (he did not call back... which is something that has probably occurred before also. ) When this happens, we then fear the worst, and are left in a state of dying inside. I have gone through similar scenarios repeatedly for the last 15+ years.</p><p></p><p>New Leaf gave great guidance above.</p><p></p><p>Take time to read the article on detachment at the top of the Parents Emeritus forum. Here is the link.</p><p><a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz3tt5smuAa" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz3tt5smuAa</a></p><p></p><p>One thing we have learned with our difficult adult children is that we cannot help them, cannot “fix” them, and cannot change them, by anything we do for them. For us to continue to provide for them, to give money, to try and make it easier to bring them around is simply enabling them to continue in their self-destructive behaviors. ----- They must reach the point themselves, their own point of readiness and desire to take necessary action for change to happen.</p><p></p><p>The best thing for us to be able to keep our own health, strength, peace, is to learn the process of detachment, to release our own fears and emotions, to release any hopes and expectations. By detaching with love, we still love these difficult children without the resentment and frustrations that cause us such strife and sadness. This does not mean turning our back on our children, but just stepping back to allow them to move on (however, whenever, wherever) with their own lives. They are adults and are free to do as they will. We need to release them, and they need us to release them. By detaching from our difficult children, we are actually giving them a gift.</p><p></p><p>In a way, it is to your advantage that your son is a distance away. You cannot rush immediately to rescue him. Plan to calm your emotions if you are in communication with your son by phone. Have a list of neutral statements to be able to respond noncommittally, such as this list that <u>Childofmine</u> posted on another thread on the PE forum. <u>Childofmine</u> suggested to have this list handy to remind us of these responses when you are in the midst of a flustering phone call from your difficult child.</p><p>1. I'm sorry, but I’m not giving you any more money.</p><p>2. I love you. I'm sure you will figure things out.</p><p>4. Call us in a few days.</p><p>5. Oh. Really.</p><p>7. That's interesting.</p><p>8. No, I'm sorry, we can't do that (whatever it is).</p><p>9. Well, if that's how you feel, okay (when they are blaming us).</p><p>10. That may be true.</p><p></p><p>It helps to keep posting here and reading the different threads. You may find some threads on the Parents Emeritus forum helpful also. You are not alone Pam. Take care</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 674697, member: 19617"] Hello Pam, I just saw your post and must sleep soon, but I wanted to acknowledge you and welcome you to this forum, although sorry for the situation that brings you here. I think everyone here and on the Parents Emeritus forum has experienced many times the heartache and panic you find yourself in at this time. You are reacting, in fight or flight mode, and it is a frantic feeling. And it makes you feel as though you must do something, and do it now. Your son appears not to be in any rush. He called because he needed money (always a given) and he got it from you (also probably a given for him in his past experiences). These difficult children know very well how to manipulate and pull the heart strings to get what they want, be it money, transportation, a place to live, food to eat, etc. etc. Your son wanted money and called you, and then made promises (always and again there are promises / lies ) to call you back with information (he did not call back... which is something that has probably occurred before also. ) When this happens, we then fear the worst, and are left in a state of dying inside. I have gone through similar scenarios repeatedly for the last 15+ years. New Leaf gave great guidance above. Take time to read the article on detachment at the top of the Parents Emeritus forum. Here is the link. [URL]http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz3tt5smuAa[/URL] One thing we have learned with our difficult adult children is that we cannot help them, cannot “fix” them, and cannot change them, by anything we do for them. For us to continue to provide for them, to give money, to try and make it easier to bring them around is simply enabling them to continue in their self-destructive behaviors. ----- They must reach the point themselves, their own point of readiness and desire to take necessary action for change to happen. The best thing for us to be able to keep our own health, strength, peace, is to learn the process of detachment, to release our own fears and emotions, to release any hopes and expectations. By detaching with love, we still love these difficult children without the resentment and frustrations that cause us such strife and sadness. This does not mean turning our back on our children, but just stepping back to allow them to move on (however, whenever, wherever) with their own lives. They are adults and are free to do as they will. We need to release them, and they need us to release them. By detaching from our difficult children, we are actually giving them a gift. In a way, it is to your advantage that your son is a distance away. You cannot rush immediately to rescue him. Plan to calm your emotions if you are in communication with your son by phone. Have a list of neutral statements to be able to respond noncommittally, such as this list that [U]Childofmine[/U] posted on another thread on the PE forum. [U]Childofmine[/U] suggested to have this list handy to remind us of these responses when you are in the midst of a flustering phone call from your difficult child. 1. I'm sorry, but I’m not giving you any more money. 2. I love you. I'm sure you will figure things out. 4. Call us in a few days. 5. Oh. Really. 7. That's interesting. 8. No, I'm sorry, we can't do that (whatever it is). 9. Well, if that's how you feel, okay (when they are blaming us). 10. That may be true. It helps to keep posting here and reading the different threads. You may find some threads on the Parents Emeritus forum helpful also. You are not alone Pam. Take care [/QUOTE]
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My 29 year old son is homeless and addicted, and 700 miles from me...
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