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My 31 year old son feels entitled and expects to be taken care of
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 570009" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Good evening Jadeland. I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation with your son. I am glad you found us, welcome. Yes, many of us have experienced adult children who cannot launch into their own lives and blame us, vilifying us to terrible degrees rather then face their own natural consequences. Has your son been diagnosed with any sort of disorder? Depression, bipolar, ADHD, Aspergers, PTSD? Is he abusing alcohol or drugs?</p><p></p><p>Many of our kids do have personality/conduct disorders, diagnosed or not. Many abuse substances, some are mentally ill. Whatever the reason, the results are often very similar, much like your story. I have an adult daughter who is 40 and has been couch surfing for 3 years. I am raising her 16 year old daughter. I don't have the answer to your question, '<em>what is wrong',</em> I wish I did. We do the best we can with our kids and sometimes they turn out like your son and my daughter, I don't know why. </p><p></p><p>What I have come to know, over a period of time, is that to preserve my sanity and the sanity for those around me, my fiance and my granddaughter mostly, I had to learn how to detach from my daughter's lifestyle, her choices and the drama she creates by not taking full responsibility for herself. It's been a very difficult road. For me, it was necessary to get myself professional help, a therapist trained in codependency issues. I also attend a group of parents like me, mostly with adult kids who are mentally ill, but some who are abusing substances too. This CD board has been a huge help in offering advice, support, compassion, insight and a very large component, my not feeling alone. </p><p></p><p>You might consider either limiting or not taking the phone calls at all from your son. There is no reason you have to put up with that behavior. You might figure out what you can live with and what you can't and set strong unbreakable boundaries with him and then if those boundaries aren't adhered to, then come up with consequences that really limit his time in your life. Your job as a parent is OVER, he is a grown man, not a 12 year old boy. He sounds exceedingly entitled and selfish, much like my daughter. It sounds like you've done quite a good job in not enabling him. Good work. I'm sorry you're still suffering because of his behavior. It is hard to let go. </p><p></p><p>What many of us here find, is that we need to really detach from our kids in the ways that work for us. You might read the blurb at the bottom of my post on detachment, it has good points. There isn't anything you can do, you didn't cause his behavior, you can't cure it, you can't change it, you can't control it. In order to really get that, many of us need support of some kind to stay the course. You deserve to have a happy, peaceful life where your focus is not on your adult son who won't, for whatever reason, be a responsible adult. I've had to change in ways that redefine my way of parenting and look at what I can do to accept a situation that I have no power to change. It's not easy, but it's possible and gives you the opportunity to have peace without your son's behavior damaging your well being and/or peace of mind. You've already done a very good job of detaching from your son, perhaps now what is necessary is to accept what you cannot change and keep your connection to your son to whatever minimum will keep you healthy and happy. Keep posting if that feels right. Many of us are in a similar boat and find comfort and support here. I wish you peace. (((HUGS)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 570009, member: 13542"] Good evening Jadeland. I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation with your son. I am glad you found us, welcome. Yes, many of us have experienced adult children who cannot launch into their own lives and blame us, vilifying us to terrible degrees rather then face their own natural consequences. Has your son been diagnosed with any sort of disorder? Depression, bipolar, ADHD, Aspergers, PTSD? Is he abusing alcohol or drugs? Many of our kids do have personality/conduct disorders, diagnosed or not. Many abuse substances, some are mentally ill. Whatever the reason, the results are often very similar, much like your story. I have an adult daughter who is 40 and has been couch surfing for 3 years. I am raising her 16 year old daughter. I don't have the answer to your question, '[I]what is wrong',[/I] I wish I did. We do the best we can with our kids and sometimes they turn out like your son and my daughter, I don't know why. What I have come to know, over a period of time, is that to preserve my sanity and the sanity for those around me, my fiance and my granddaughter mostly, I had to learn how to detach from my daughter's lifestyle, her choices and the drama she creates by not taking full responsibility for herself. It's been a very difficult road. For me, it was necessary to get myself professional help, a therapist trained in codependency issues. I also attend a group of parents like me, mostly with adult kids who are mentally ill, but some who are abusing substances too. This CD board has been a huge help in offering advice, support, compassion, insight and a very large component, my not feeling alone. You might consider either limiting or not taking the phone calls at all from your son. There is no reason you have to put up with that behavior. You might figure out what you can live with and what you can't and set strong unbreakable boundaries with him and then if those boundaries aren't adhered to, then come up with consequences that really limit his time in your life. Your job as a parent is OVER, he is a grown man, not a 12 year old boy. He sounds exceedingly entitled and selfish, much like my daughter. It sounds like you've done quite a good job in not enabling him. Good work. I'm sorry you're still suffering because of his behavior. It is hard to let go. What many of us here find, is that we need to really detach from our kids in the ways that work for us. You might read the blurb at the bottom of my post on detachment, it has good points. There isn't anything you can do, you didn't cause his behavior, you can't cure it, you can't change it, you can't control it. In order to really get that, many of us need support of some kind to stay the course. You deserve to have a happy, peaceful life where your focus is not on your adult son who won't, for whatever reason, be a responsible adult. I've had to change in ways that redefine my way of parenting and look at what I can do to accept a situation that I have no power to change. It's not easy, but it's possible and gives you the opportunity to have peace without your son's behavior damaging your well being and/or peace of mind. You've already done a very good job of detaching from your son, perhaps now what is necessary is to accept what you cannot change and keep your connection to your son to whatever minimum will keep you healthy and happy. Keep posting if that feels right. Many of us are in a similar boat and find comfort and support here. I wish you peace. (((HUGS))) [/QUOTE]
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My 31 year old son feels entitled and expects to be taken care of
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