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My 41 year old is a homeless addict
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 732541" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Sadmother,</p><p></p><p>I'm so glad you found us here. This truly is a soft place to land for battle weary parents.</p><p></p><p>My son is 36, currently finishing out a 2 year sentence for assault with a knife. Before that, he was and has been homeless for many years. He also has a problem with drugs and alcohol. He does not lack for intelligence but does lack in common sense. </p><p></p><p>I spent too many years trying to help "fix" him. It was not meant to be. If my son or your son are going to change they will need to want it bad enough to do so. </p><p></p><p>The best thing I could have done for myself was to detach from my son with love. </p><p>Love, that word can have so many meanings. Love is a feeling, love is also an action. There is love for others and there is self love.</p><p>I will always love my son but I will no longer allow him to hold my love for him hostage. I will no longer allow him to use that love against me. Love should never be used as a weapon or bargaining tool.</p><p>The manipulation of love:</p><p>If you loved me you would do what I want, you would save me from the mess I've made of my life.</p><p>If you don't do what I ask, you'll never see me again. I might as well be dead.</p><p>You don't love me, if you loved me you would help me.</p><p></p><p>We as parents matter. We have given the very best we could to our children. None of us are perfect and that's okay! There should never be any guilt for having done the best we could. It serves no purpose to play the "IF" game. If I had only done this or that maybe things would have turned out different. If I had only done more for him then maybe............. If I had only given him the money he asked for then maybe..............</p><p></p><p>These sons and daughters we love so much are adults, plain and simple. As an adult they are responsible for their own lives and whatever choices they make are their own.</p><p></p><p>Yes it's painful to watch them self destruct but again, we have no power over what they choose to do. </p><p></p><p>Acceptance is a freeing gift. Once I truly accepted that I had no power or control over my sons life choices, that he lives a homeless life, that he might end up in ditch dead and I would never know, to really let that go, there was a huge weight lifted from my life. MY life, yes, I took my life back. </p><p>I'm not getting any younger and I have my own life to live. </p><p></p><p>I encourage you to detach from your son with love, to take your life back, to let go of the sorrow and heartache. Is it easy to do, not in the beginning. It can feel foreign, selfish even, but it's not. Just take those baby steps. Each day do something just for you. Go for a walk in the park, feed the ducks, get a pedicure, eat some ice cream, buy a new outfit, what ever IT is that is just for you.</p><p></p><p>I and many others here are living proof that our lives can be filled with joy and happiness despite our difficult adult children.</p><p></p><p>Here is a link to an article on detachment. Give it a read.</p><p><a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/" target="_blank">Article on Detachment</a></p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you....................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 732541, member: 18516"] Hi Sadmother, I'm so glad you found us here. This truly is a soft place to land for battle weary parents. My son is 36, currently finishing out a 2 year sentence for assault with a knife. Before that, he was and has been homeless for many years. He also has a problem with drugs and alcohol. He does not lack for intelligence but does lack in common sense. I spent too many years trying to help "fix" him. It was not meant to be. If my son or your son are going to change they will need to want it bad enough to do so. The best thing I could have done for myself was to detach from my son with love. Love, that word can have so many meanings. Love is a feeling, love is also an action. There is love for others and there is self love. I will always love my son but I will no longer allow him to hold my love for him hostage. I will no longer allow him to use that love against me. Love should never be used as a weapon or bargaining tool. The manipulation of love: If you loved me you would do what I want, you would save me from the mess I've made of my life. If you don't do what I ask, you'll never see me again. I might as well be dead. You don't love me, if you loved me you would help me. We as parents matter. We have given the very best we could to our children. None of us are perfect and that's okay! There should never be any guilt for having done the best we could. It serves no purpose to play the "IF" game. If I had only done this or that maybe things would have turned out different. If I had only done more for him then maybe............. If I had only given him the money he asked for then maybe.............. These sons and daughters we love so much are adults, plain and simple. As an adult they are responsible for their own lives and whatever choices they make are their own. Yes it's painful to watch them self destruct but again, we have no power over what they choose to do. Acceptance is a freeing gift. Once I truly accepted that I had no power or control over my sons life choices, that he lives a homeless life, that he might end up in ditch dead and I would never know, to really let that go, there was a huge weight lifted from my life. MY life, yes, I took my life back. I'm not getting any younger and I have my own life to live. I encourage you to detach from your son with love, to take your life back, to let go of the sorrow and heartache. Is it easy to do, not in the beginning. It can feel foreign, selfish even, but it's not. Just take those baby steps. Each day do something just for you. Go for a walk in the park, feed the ducks, get a pedicure, eat some ice cream, buy a new outfit, what ever IT is that is just for you. I and many others here are living proof that our lives can be filled with joy and happiness despite our difficult adult children. Here is a link to an article on detachment. Give it a read. [URL="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/"]Article on Detachment[/URL] ((HUGS)) to you.................... [/QUOTE]
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My 41 year old is a homeless addict
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