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my daughter is 18 and i feel like i left her,
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 726370" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi. I am home now.</p><p></p><p>Just wanted to add that most lilely if you had not accepted your amazing job, and I think you made the right choice, your daughter would have still not gone to college and lived with boyfriend. It's not your fault and also not your choice to make.</p><p></p><p> Many adult kids who bring us here blow off college. If you gave up all you accomplished and left your partner, there are no guarantees or even good odds that an almost 19 year old daughter would be so grateful to your coming back that she would do what you want. That is not a 19 year old's nature. Relax though. She can always go back to college...one of my kids did in her 20s after quitting drugs....all of us have had our challenging adult kids. Everyone here.</p><p></p><p>One thing you can help daughter do is act like an adult. I would not pay her rent or send her significant money or treat her to a car or act as if she is incapable of working and paying her own way, even if she and boyfriend have to move to a cheap apartment. She needs to grow up and become independent. She is 19. No longer a little girl. At 18 one can and many do join the military. Not saying she should join the military, but she could. She is not a child.</p><p></p><p>I never supported my kids financially once they were out of school. Sometimes our guilt over things we perceive were not good parenting choices have us making us try to do too much for our adult kids to neutralize our own guilt, even things that keep our adult kids still behaving like children. Nothing makes us as guilty as our children of all ages. Many times we feel guilty for no reason.</p><p></p><p>You did nothing wrong. Your daughter was not alone, she was with her father. You visited. You gave holidays, your love, and emotional support. Now you offered her a chance to join you. She turned it down. That is her choice. That is not abandonment.</p><p></p><p>My adult kids, including a hardworking autistic son, left the nest and self supported by 20 or 21 (can't recall on one of them). They asked for nothing and either went to tehnical colleges or worked. (in school we did help, but they also worked part time). </p><p></p><p>All have good careers/jobs and great work ethics. I finally had enough extra money to help my youngest adult kids and because my youngest, 21, had gone to tech college for criminal justice and worked at the same time and is engaged to a great, fruitfully working young man, age 25, her dad and I gave her a nice down payment on a house. It was the first time we were able to do anything like, that but she would not have gotten it if she had asked for it or if she had not been adulting. Her fiance qualified for the mortgage and will pay. Daughter will help even as she goes to the Police Academy.</p><p></p><p>My philosiphy, which proved right on with my four kids, is that if my husband and I taught them to work for what they wanted, they'd appreciate it more and more importantly feel capable and strong. Even my autistic son feels good about paying for his apartment, cell phone, and working. He gets a little social security, bit not much and takes care of his needs. We always made sure he was treated as if he could do things. He does!!</p><p></p><p>Not everyone here agrees with me, but that worked for us and I am close to all my kids...I do not feel there is any resentment from any of them because they worked hard and did not have the most expensive toys.</p><p></p><p>My ex has more money than me and hubby do so my oldest two, his and my kids, get some emergency funds from Dad at times but nothing like money every week.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow you will hear from others who do different things, but most have decided to not get so involved in their kid's lives and let them grow up. We can only control one person in the world....us.</p><p></p><p>I hope you take good care of yourself and decide what is best for you. Let your daughter make her own choices and learn to be the adult that society treats her as. And it is up to you, the money situation, but giving her money because of guilt is like shopping with an empty stomach!!!</p><p></p><p>Love and hugs</p><p>We don't judge.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 726370, member: 1550"] Hi. I am home now. Just wanted to add that most lilely if you had not accepted your amazing job, and I think you made the right choice, your daughter would have still not gone to college and lived with boyfriend. It's not your fault and also not your choice to make. Many adult kids who bring us here blow off college. If you gave up all you accomplished and left your partner, there are no guarantees or even good odds that an almost 19 year old daughter would be so grateful to your coming back that she would do what you want. That is not a 19 year old's nature. Relax though. She can always go back to college...one of my kids did in her 20s after quitting drugs....all of us have had our challenging adult kids. Everyone here. One thing you can help daughter do is act like an adult. I would not pay her rent or send her significant money or treat her to a car or act as if she is incapable of working and paying her own way, even if she and boyfriend have to move to a cheap apartment. She needs to grow up and become independent. She is 19. No longer a little girl. At 18 one can and many do join the military. Not saying she should join the military, but she could. She is not a child. I never supported my kids financially once they were out of school. Sometimes our guilt over things we perceive were not good parenting choices have us making us try to do too much for our adult kids to neutralize our own guilt, even things that keep our adult kids still behaving like children. Nothing makes us as guilty as our children of all ages. Many times we feel guilty for no reason. You did nothing wrong. Your daughter was not alone, she was with her father. You visited. You gave holidays, your love, and emotional support. Now you offered her a chance to join you. She turned it down. That is her choice. That is not abandonment. My adult kids, including a hardworking autistic son, left the nest and self supported by 20 or 21 (can't recall on one of them). They asked for nothing and either went to tehnical colleges or worked. (in school we did help, but they also worked part time). All have good careers/jobs and great work ethics. I finally had enough extra money to help my youngest adult kids and because my youngest, 21, had gone to tech college for criminal justice and worked at the same time and is engaged to a great, fruitfully working young man, age 25, her dad and I gave her a nice down payment on a house. It was the first time we were able to do anything like, that but she would not have gotten it if she had asked for it or if she had not been adulting. Her fiance qualified for the mortgage and will pay. Daughter will help even as she goes to the Police Academy. My philosiphy, which proved right on with my four kids, is that if my husband and I taught them to work for what they wanted, they'd appreciate it more and more importantly feel capable and strong. Even my autistic son feels good about paying for his apartment, cell phone, and working. He gets a little social security, bit not much and takes care of his needs. We always made sure he was treated as if he could do things. He does!! Not everyone here agrees with me, but that worked for us and I am close to all my kids...I do not feel there is any resentment from any of them because they worked hard and did not have the most expensive toys. My ex has more money than me and hubby do so my oldest two, his and my kids, get some emergency funds from Dad at times but nothing like money every week. Anyhow you will hear from others who do different things, but most have decided to not get so involved in their kid's lives and let them grow up. We can only control one person in the world....us. I hope you take good care of yourself and decide what is best for you. Let your daughter make her own choices and learn to be the adult that society treats her as. And it is up to you, the money situation, but giving her money because of guilt is like shopping with an empty stomach!!! Love and hugs We don't judge. [/QUOTE]
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my daughter is 18 and i feel like i left her,
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