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my daughter is 18 and i feel like i left her,
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 726372" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Kat, welcome and sorry for your need to be here. This is the thing. We parents are people too, with needs and dreams and opportunities. It is not as if you left the country and had your daughter fend for herself. She was with her Dad. I am sure it was not easy for you to take that leap of faith and jump at a chance to better your life, and as you wrote, the hope was, your daughters life as well. You came home four times a year and made sure she was okay, invited her to live with you, which she turned down. You did not abandon her.</p><p>Life happens. Kids grow up and make choices. Who's to say that the same scenario would not have played out with your daughter if you stayed home? Then, you would have been regretting not taking the opportunity when you had the chance.</p><p> I was for the most part a stay at home Mom. Worked here and there and took care of my kids, and two of my girls grew up and made some terrible choices. Still are. There are no guarantees in life. We do the best we can with what we have at the time. When you think of it, it is only in recent history that <em>everything revolves around the kids</em>. I think that is where we are going sideways, and the kids have this feeling of entitlement, into adulthood.</p><p>Please stop killing yourself with guilt. We have all been in those shoes, and it does no good. I tell my kids I did the best I could, and that's, that. What's done, <em>is done</em>.</p><p>Direction is entirely up to our adult children. They will do as they please, no matter what. When I was growing up, we moved around a few times. My sis had some hard knocks in life and she was convinced it was because of the "upheaval" of moving. Balderdash. Many kids grow up in far worse situations and still choose better for themselves.</p><p>It is all about choice.</p><p>There is not much we can do to change the course of a determined 18 or 19 year old. They will choose as they wish. We can counsel them, encourage them to want better for themselves, but ultimately, it is up to them to decide their journey. We all have to learn in our own way. Sometimes that comes with some hard lessons with the consequences of choice. That is how we learn from our mistakes.</p><p>It is not your fault, dear. Stop looking at your daughters choices that way. She is making her way, <em>her way</em>. We are not meant to hang on to our children forever, they are supposed to grow and learn to be self sufficient, independent.</p><p><em>Take a deep breath and be kind to yourself. </em>You were looking out for yourself, which is a good thing, and thinking of your daughter as well. Self care, is not selfish. It is what we want our children to do, learn to be self sufficient.</p><p>Our kids will do as they choose, <em>no matter what</em>.</p><p>You matter, your life matters.</p><p>I think the best thing we can do for our adult children is to lead by example.</p><p>Model self care and strength.</p><p>You are doing this.</p><p>More will come along and offer their advice. No one here is an expert, just parents dealing with different issues, in different places on the journey. Take what suits you and leave the rest.</p><p>Know that you are not alone.</p><p>We have all been where you are, despairing over our adult kids decisions, feeling like we are to blame.</p><p>It is a hard and miserable place to be, and our d cs will grab onto that and use it to manipulate us into thinking we are obligated to take on their responsibilities and consequences. <em>That is no good.</em></p><p>They have to learn to take responsibility for their choices.</p><p>We will not be on this earth forever to rescue them.</p><p>Many hugs to you.</p><p>Be kind to yourself!</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 726372, member: 19522"] Hi Kat, welcome and sorry for your need to be here. This is the thing. We parents are people too, with needs and dreams and opportunities. It is not as if you left the country and had your daughter fend for herself. She was with her Dad. I am sure it was not easy for you to take that leap of faith and jump at a chance to better your life, and as you wrote, the hope was, your daughters life as well. You came home four times a year and made sure she was okay, invited her to live with you, which she turned down. You did not abandon her. Life happens. Kids grow up and make choices. Who's to say that the same scenario would not have played out with your daughter if you stayed home? Then, you would have been regretting not taking the opportunity when you had the chance. I was for the most part a stay at home Mom. Worked here and there and took care of my kids, and two of my girls grew up and made some terrible choices. Still are. There are no guarantees in life. We do the best we can with what we have at the time. When you think of it, it is only in recent history that [I]everything revolves around the kids[/I]. I think that is where we are going sideways, and the kids have this feeling of entitlement, into adulthood. Please stop killing yourself with guilt. We have all been in those shoes, and it does no good. I tell my kids I did the best I could, and that's, that. What's done, [I]is done[/I]. Direction is entirely up to our adult children. They will do as they please, no matter what. When I was growing up, we moved around a few times. My sis had some hard knocks in life and she was convinced it was because of the "upheaval" of moving. Balderdash. Many kids grow up in far worse situations and still choose better for themselves. It is all about choice. There is not much we can do to change the course of a determined 18 or 19 year old. They will choose as they wish. We can counsel them, encourage them to want better for themselves, but ultimately, it is up to them to decide their journey. We all have to learn in our own way. Sometimes that comes with some hard lessons with the consequences of choice. That is how we learn from our mistakes. It is not your fault, dear. Stop looking at your daughters choices that way. She is making her way, [I]her way[/I]. We are not meant to hang on to our children forever, they are supposed to grow and learn to be self sufficient, independent. [I]Take a deep breath and be kind to yourself. [/I]You were looking out for yourself, which is a good thing, and thinking of your daughter as well. Self care, is not selfish. It is what we want our children to do, learn to be self sufficient. Our kids will do as they choose, [I]no matter what[/I]. You matter, your life matters. I think the best thing we can do for our adult children is to lead by example. Model self care and strength. You are doing this. More will come along and offer their advice. No one here is an expert, just parents dealing with different issues, in different places on the journey. Take what suits you and leave the rest. Know that you are not alone. We have all been where you are, despairing over our adult kids decisions, feeling like we are to blame. It is a hard and miserable place to be, and our d cs will grab onto that and use it to manipulate us into thinking we are obligated to take on their responsibilities and consequences. [I]That is no good.[/I] They have to learn to take responsibility for their choices. We will not be on this earth forever to rescue them. Many hugs to you. Be kind to yourself! (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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my daughter is 18 and i feel like i left her,
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