My daughter

[Copabanana]

Piscesmom, mof will know more about this. But I googled anime, manga and computer aided design and this is what came up (so there must be a relationship.)

The Encyclopedia of Contemporary Japanese Culture edited by Sandra Buckley p 19/ talks about outsourcing original manga/anime designs and story boards in the form of CAD design images from the parent company in Japan to Korean, Chinese, and Filipino companies to do the labor intensive work that follows. So CAD must figure into the original design process.

Pangolin's Guide to Biominetics and digital architecture (Whatever that is) Dennis Dollen.

Animation Magazine volume 11 issue 1 page 61/
Talks about Silicon graphics/create your computer aided design animation technology electronic imaging classes. Showcasing the best of anime.

Expose -The finest digital art in the known universe volume 11.

I have a degree in CAD

Mof will know whether this field, this CAD, is spirit-killing or whether it might thrill her.

I go on wild goose chases. The important thing is that the school come closer to meeting her needs.

 

[Copabanana]

I just read that in Berlin, Germany the University of Berlin costs $300 euros a year for an MFA in Studio Art.

There are a number of countries where there is free college tuition for citizens and visitors alike. Like Argentina. I know this to be true. I was there.

I do not know if she is interested in learning a foreign language, but it is possible. My son was in Special Education and non-public school 3 years. I brought him to Guatemala and then to Brasil as a teen and he became fluent in both languages. (I put him into school in both countries--private school is very cheap.) In Brasil at the high school level he could not pass the classes which were by exam (but he did in Guatemala) but I enrolled him in an independent learners private high school that gave him credit for all of the work, plus some, after the fact.

I paid like $1000 and my son got credit for two years of high school. It is absolutely not a scam.

There are people who are enlightened and who do want to help.

 

[PiscesMom]

hi Copa - i am just seeing this now. That sounds amazing.
My daughter went to a Spanish immersion school from kindergarten to third grade. I took her out because she was a bit anxious - she was chewing her sleeves. I didn't know at the time she had autism. Her first diagnosis was Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified.
I can't even imagine how one would get to those countries...
She mostly hasn't gone to school since seventh grade, to be honest.

I feel terrible about everything, not being able to fix, and I feel worn down by life. She didn't go to school once this week. On Thursday, she walked to school and attended the last hour. Of course she didn't do any work. Her school is very small - maybe ten or so kids in all, teachers, aides as well.
I don't know how I feel about her living somewhere else besides with me. That means I am trusting strangers, employees, to be good to her. And she is so sensitive and anxious.

Because of my fears about everything falling apart, I have been pressuring her too much and maybe contributing to her anxiety. I stopped that a week ago. This weekend we spent a lot of time together - mostly watching TV together - like Arrested Development. She is in her room with the door shut so much, so this felt positive.

 

[PiscesMom]

I am just so horrified that I could have another child in a residential. I also have this reaction - all the helpful responses here made me feel very shy, maybe avoidant and I had a hard time looking. I hope that doesn't sound rude or that I don't want help or advice.

 

[Copabanana]

I feel worn down by life.

Hi PiscesMom. What you feel, I have felt. I do feel. What you fear, I fear.

Today I woke up thinking about the long-dead Freudian psychologist, Erik Erikson. Or maybe it was a dream. I woke up thinking, was it generativity vs despair that described Erikson's description of my stage of life? And felt so sunk in despair that I was certain I had failed the developmental task of aging. I have been unable to shake despair for years.

I feel sunk by life. Like a sunken ship. I feel afraid to live, because life brings so much sadness and failure and fear. I am afraid of real life...because what it has dealt me that I am unable to face, or resolve.

I can't even imagine how one would get to those countries...

Look. To my shame I post about "those countries" because I felt effective then. I felt fearless then. I felt my life and myself worked, then.

I look back at a time when I was not afraid, in bed, despairing, and felt competent. I am no longer that person. I do not believe I will get myself back, ever.

How I got to those countries, was by daring myself to be somebody who would do such a thing. It was an escape from my real life.

To be honest, it is not so hard. You just buy a ticket. I sold or gave away everything I had. I gave up everything. Not hard.

I don't know how I feel about her living somewhere else besides with me. That means I am trusting strangers, employees, to be good to her. And she is so sensitive and anxious.

If you believe she should be with you, she should.

all the helpful responses here made me feel very shy, maybe avoidant and I had a hard time looking.

To the extent I contributed to your overwhelm, I am sorry. Sometimes what we do here, by posting, is self-serving.

We pretend a competence, a knowing in other people's lives, that we do not have in our own. PiscesMom. Believe me, I do not have that sense of competence, in self-confidence that I may pretend.

You are a wonderful mother. Do not doubt yourself. Nobody can do it better. Although we may pretend to, to ourselves.

 

[PiscesMom]

Copa - I really am grateful for all the responses, and then sometimes I get very shy or anxious when people respond. My older daughter wants me on medications, like prozac. And I have a child with extreme social anxiety. Wonder where she gets it? I took the Big Five test during psychiatric 1001 and scored very high for neuroticism.
I blame myself for my kids' problems. Yesterday I cried, and texted my sister and said "I am the kind of mom who gets her kids taken away." That isn't really how it is. You can turn down the school's offer. My other sister texted, she has autism and was in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) as a teen, and she said it was helpful, and took her out of herself.

And my daughter, a few years ago, was hospitalized for two days and she loved it.

I am sorry - you sound terribly depressed. Generativity vs despair. But feelings do come and go, right? That is what I remind myself. Do you go to NAMI? They started a class here, there were two of us, so they cancelled. But it was comforting, and I learned a lot that one night. I felt less alone. The one constant I have felt since this all began was alone, confused, ashamed. Oh, and fear, especially for my son.

When I was in my early twenties, I went to Spain, did a semester, and then was an au pair. Then my controlling ex got me to go back home and marry him. I do always feel the road calling me, but then with kids, I feel more weighted down, responsible. And I am tired. It is good to think about possibilities, because maybe down the road I will feel differently. I want to be excited and hopeful.

Maybe what it is here is that our children won't really ever grow up. So we are stuck in a role as an active, but mostly ineffectual, parent after they turn 18.

 

[Copabanana]

"I am the kind of mom who gets her kids taken away."

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Oh? Too blunt? Sorry.

You are a marvelous, loving, caring mother. I would have loved a mother like you. I would have flourished and felt safe. I would have ended up a dancer, or an artist, I am sure of it. Maybe I am like you! You are just too hard on yourself. I do not believe so much in diagnoses or in psychology anymore. I find myself interested in Enneagrams for example. I took a free test the other night and I was absolutely nailed by it. Why not do it? The one I did told me my wing too. You will be absolutely floored.

I am down on psychology for a number of reasons but mainly because they treat the human condition like it is an illness, a tumor or infection or a certain kind of lump. And then they put it in a jar with alcohol like I used to do butterflies (sorry) and our spirits are dead.

Every single thing I wrote for your daughter I want for us (except Job Corps. I am about 40 years too old.) But I am not too old for the rest of it, if I can just get out of bed again.

After you read this I am going to take out the part about the psychologist. I have said it before but I do not like to.

 

[PiscesMom]

You're only 40?? I thought you were older because you keep saying how old you are!
I am a 4 on the enneagram, 5 wing. INFP. I know neither of these is research based or anything. What are you, if you don't mind my asking?
Thank you for all you said! My daughters actually tell me the same. They are wonderful. My son does not feel that way. I guess because my life views don't/can't apply to him. I hate that. Why can't he be obsessed with prize tomatoes or something legal and safe?
I love psychology, I mean, I would love to have taken more classes besides 1001. I took a lot of ed psychology classes. But I never tell anyone cuz of how things are.
As far as my younger daughter is concerned, I don't want to make choices based on shame. I don't want her to not go to a residential because I would feel bad. If that seems to be what is best, I can investigate. I can ask how they handle behaviors. Not that she has any besides hiding in her room. But if she sees anyone thrown into the dungeon or whatever, she would be traumatized.
Every day I look at my phone, at phone finder, to check if she is at school or not. Usually she is not. I text her, I beg her to go. When she does go, she is very nervous, she can't do work, she gets cold and takes a nap. I wonder if I am making it worse, by panicking, worrying, for having too much invested in her, as any parent would. Today she went, did nothing, and told me she is anxious about tomorrow. Will I be mad if she doesn't go? I told her do her best, that is all anyone can ask.

Fight, flight, or freeze. I freeze. I can't think, just seem to march grimly ahead.

 

[Copabanana]

I am an Achiever, which is a 3. I think it is 3/2, with the 2 being self-protective. I did not find anything about the wind. But all of the vulnerabilities of the Achiever are mine. And the part about crashing and burning: me, too. I am going to go look up a 2. That is interesting about the INFP. I did not realize that the Enneagrams were directly transferable to the Myers Briggs Types. I am a ENFP, but just on the borderline. I am on the border of INFP with maybe just one score, tipping me to the other.

I am about 40 years too old

I am NOT 40. I said it was about 40 years too late to go to Job Corps. Let me restate. I am not 40! I am collecting social security.

Why can't he be obsessed with prize tomatoes or something legal and safe?

I know. I wish I was obsessed with prize tomatoes. I am right now obsessed with white paint colors and interior barn doors.

Not that she has any besides hiding in her room.

I do that too! In my bed. I never get sick of it. Until I realized I had been here for more than 5 percent of my life. (Not sleeping)

But if she sees anyone thrown into the dungeon or whatever, she would be traumatized.

Well. I made my career in maximum security prisons. In a traumatic place I could feel OK. Like normal. Until I couldn't do it anymore.

Fight, flight, or freeze. I freeze.

I freeze. That was how I dealt with kicking my son out. I froze myself. I can't do it anymore. I realize my freezer is broken.
PiscesMom. How do you think you got so hard on yourself? Do you know? I love it that your daughters love you so much and are able to tell you.

 

[PiscesMom]

I don't think there is any relation between Myers Briggs and Enneagram, actually. I like them both.
I can't figure out how to do quotes today - but I guess I am hard on myself from verbal abuse - a lifetime of it. Growing up, then when I was married. My ex, I really believe has NPD. I don't mean that as an insult. Now he is pretty broken, all his toys are gone. I would not wish that on anyone - I may be shy and avoid people, but I have a rich interior life and imagination. I do not need peoples approval, envy, and admiration. I also always felt a little different from others - shy, the art girl, introverted.
I regret all the wasted energy I spent trying to get my ex to see me, to be a good father, to stop with the drugs and drinking with his friends all hours. That was a lifetime ago - I can't remember why I cared, but I sure did then. I wonder if my stress and unhappiness while pregnant, plus my untreated thyroid condition (I didn't know) and him being older, all combined really affected the kids in utero. When I think about it, I feel terrible.
There is also the fact that - I am from a big family and two of my siblings have had significant mental health problems. My oldest sibling was on ADD medication and spent a year or two on too high a dose and had serious rage problems and psychotic breaks, my sib w autism was hospitalized with depression as a teen. My ex's family had a few of them hospitalized as well, but a lot of the extended family (his sibs, their kids) has been through our legal system, drugs, violence, jail, prison, long rap sheets. So I shouldn't blame myself for everything.
With these kids, I feel like I am pushing a heavy rock uphill, except it doesn't seem to work.
But me and the girls - we get along. We all love each other. I am starting to think, maybe just from writing here about her, that maybe her anxiety is not about me.
I like to be in bed a lot, too!
Why do you say you felt ok in a traumatic place? I hope it wasnt too terrible. I have only seen prison in movies or tv. I guess I visited my son in JDC, that's all.

 

[Copabanana]

I have a rich interior life and imagination. I do not need peoples approval, envy, and admiration.

I am like this too.

I think that families are like how you describe yours and your ex's. If it is not one thing it is another. I do not have a history of severe mental illness in my genetic family, but there is serious neurosis on my maternal side (me too) and nearly everybody on my Dad's side was an alcoholic. I think every family has something. Most families have a lot of things. It is just they conceal them; they do not lead with them. It's easy for us to feel vulnerable, when other people pretend to be something they are not. I feel vulnerable a lot.

That was the strange thing about my work. I did not feel vulnerable there.

Why do you say you felt ok in a traumatic place?

First, I think I share a lot in common with you. At my core. But I kind of forced myself to be a different person. Trying to ignore and suppress my basic self, kind of like the round hole/square peg deal.

In prison you have to center yourself to survive. I think in a strange way that taught me the ability to calm and center myself, as long as I was in that environment. To function I had to listen to one voice inside me. needed to be decisive, to think in the moment. I learned to trust myself. I got confidence. I was called on to make life and death decisions. My own anxiety, vulnerability, self-doubt I had to push aside. Traveling was like that too, for me. Having to dig down deep, needing to be self-reliant.

I think there was the thing too that a place of danger and chaos felt normal to me. I think I needed that drama so that I did not feel so intensely.

But then after my mother died and I had such a hard time for such a long time, I realized that it was not necessarily a good thing to push my own feelings down. That yes I had grown strong in a large part of myself, but that those feelings pushed down were me too. And they were not grown up. That a lot of pain had gotten pushed down and was never voiced.

With all of this I came to think it was not in my interest to do that work in that setting anymore--and that maybe, it was not so good for me to do that work anymore at all--even though I am very good at it and it gratifies me a lot. A lot of self-esteem is tied up for me in my profession. But I am thinking that if I was a good mother to myself...I might not necessarily work again. And do stuff like art and dance or make a move, who knows?

I go back and forth all the time. Thanks for asking.

 

[PiscesMom]

A lot of self-esteem is tied up for me in my profession. But I am thinking that if I was a good mother to myself...I might not necessarily work again. And do stuff like art and dance or make a move, who knows?

For me too, a bit, maybe. Having a routine really helps. It sure helped a lot when my son seemed to change, forever. But...I would LOVE not to work again. My sister is planning on quitting her job now that she is vested, to do artistic things. For her, it is sewing, design.
I am not sure what I would do - I used draw a lot when I was younger, then was into writing, now nothing.
I do really think that artists are so important, especially in the unfortunate age we may be headed toward. Suddenly art just feels vital.

 

[PiscesMom]

So my daughter had her psychiatric evaluation. They want her treated very gently. She is now enrolled in a non-public school. And we have wrap around services or whatever it is called. Two young women would come by, one the leader, and another who is more quiet. The quieter one was on vacation, and I feel like I got closer to the leader. That was last week and a half. Well yesterday she told me she is supervising something or whatever, she is not on our case anymore. I feel so abandoned. I feel so alone in all this. My daughter went two days last week (one day the entire time) and the other day she "eloped" when they didn't give her a ride home I thought was promised. What happened is they didn't get my email quite right. This week she missed Monday and Tuesday, and is pretty much depressed and anxious. I am just so tired of this, nothing ever going right, and feel like I don't have a good perspective on things.

 

[PiscesMom]

Maybe i just shouldn't be hopeful anymore? Maybe that is making things worse?

 

[PiscesMom]

Nobody answered and "saved" me. What I am always looking for. Somebody to save me, show me the way thru all of this. I cried, talked to my sister, my older daughter, and cried more, then suddenly it occurred to me that I have to sort of give up. I do. Ultimately, it is her choice if she wants to go to school. If she wants a high school degree. I can work on creating the best atmosphere for her to be successful in, and feel the safest in, but it is not my choice. Forcing something just is making me crazy, making me doubt myself, and feeding into my panic. She's a smart girl, and a wise girl. She is 16. When I was 16, I was living in an apartment with my sister and two other roommates and going to high school. I want to back off, be supportive, and let her plan her life.

 

[Sami12088]

My cousin has autism and had very similar issues. The schools do really want to help, but they have set standards that they are restricted by. Have you thought of a service dog for your daughter, my cousin got one at 16 and his attendance went from almost 0 to about 90%. There are many companies out there willing to help and sometimes insurance will even pay for one.