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My daughters new husband is.........
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 187844" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I think the others are right. The last thing you need is to become the meat in the sandwich. Let's look at two possible scenarios:</p><p></p><p>1) Your daughter discovers/decides he's a cheat and not worth the trouble and leaves him. sister in law blames YOU for advising her and 'helping' her make this decision.</p><p></p><p>OR</p><p></p><p>2) Your daughter initially leans heavily on you, says she is going to dump him, you support her and say, "there, there," or "plenty of other fish in the sea," and she goes to counselling. Then at a later stage after happily badmouthing him for weeks - she decides to take him back. And then SHE blames you (and tells him) that she wouldn't have had ANY suspicions, if it wasn't for you.</p><p></p><p>Even if you actually say nothing to influence her - when it comes down to a choice between your parent or your chosen spouse, 99&#37; of the time people will choose the spouse. Ironically, they are MORE inclined to choose the spouse when the louse IS a cheating rat; the element of doubt needs to be assuaged in their own minds and ANY hint of, "You're well out of it," could be turned into, "I need to stay with him - he needs me, nobody supports him." Or "I must somehow justify my choosing him in the face of commonsense to the contrary."</p><p></p><p>You need to make it clear that she has to make her own choices but you will support her whatever choice she makes. And whatever choice she makes - it has to be wholeheartedly, no looking back, no regrets.</p><p></p><p>But my own thoughts - she expressed suspicions and given the evidence that was bothering her, she was entitled to a gentle, reasoned explanation. For him to attack like that was unwarranted. Sounds like a guilty conscience to me.</p><p></p><p>She has to make up her own mind and deal with this herself. Undoubtedly if she can't bend your ear about this, she will talk to her girlfriends about it; that's not really a good idea either. He is right in this, she probably SHOULD talk to a counsellor. Since he clearly isn't interested in going, she should go by herself. After all, she is only doing what he told her to do.</p><p></p><p>Sounds like she has to make some choices. But they need to be HER choices. They also need to be SEEN to be her choices.</p><p></p><p>The other thing I would do if I were your daughter (but this is me) - I would make friends with this girl, genuinely make friends independently of the one thing they have in common (ie your sister in law) and keep this friendship fairly quiet. It COULD be a way to find out more, or not. It could also be a way to make a new friend.</p><p></p><p>And if he ever finds out that his wife and his possible one-night-stand are now best buddies, he might think twice next time.</p><p></p><p>It's also much harder to be jealously resentful of the girl if she is now a good friend. Better karma.</p><p></p><p>It's likely nothing happened with this girl. If she works as a bartender, she would be fairly resistant to casual drunken flirts. It's probable that all he DID was talk. And hope. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 187844, member: 1991"] I think the others are right. The last thing you need is to become the meat in the sandwich. Let's look at two possible scenarios: 1) Your daughter discovers/decides he's a cheat and not worth the trouble and leaves him. sister in law blames YOU for advising her and 'helping' her make this decision. OR 2) Your daughter initially leans heavily on you, says she is going to dump him, you support her and say, "there, there," or "plenty of other fish in the sea," and she goes to counselling. Then at a later stage after happily badmouthing him for weeks - she decides to take him back. And then SHE blames you (and tells him) that she wouldn't have had ANY suspicions, if it wasn't for you. Even if you actually say nothing to influence her - when it comes down to a choice between your parent or your chosen spouse, 99% of the time people will choose the spouse. Ironically, they are MORE inclined to choose the spouse when the louse IS a cheating rat; the element of doubt needs to be assuaged in their own minds and ANY hint of, "You're well out of it," could be turned into, "I need to stay with him - he needs me, nobody supports him." Or "I must somehow justify my choosing him in the face of commonsense to the contrary." You need to make it clear that she has to make her own choices but you will support her whatever choice she makes. And whatever choice she makes - it has to be wholeheartedly, no looking back, no regrets. But my own thoughts - she expressed suspicions and given the evidence that was bothering her, she was entitled to a gentle, reasoned explanation. For him to attack like that was unwarranted. Sounds like a guilty conscience to me. She has to make up her own mind and deal with this herself. Undoubtedly if she can't bend your ear about this, she will talk to her girlfriends about it; that's not really a good idea either. He is right in this, she probably SHOULD talk to a counsellor. Since he clearly isn't interested in going, she should go by herself. After all, she is only doing what he told her to do. Sounds like she has to make some choices. But they need to be HER choices. They also need to be SEEN to be her choices. The other thing I would do if I were your daughter (but this is me) - I would make friends with this girl, genuinely make friends independently of the one thing they have in common (ie your sister in law) and keep this friendship fairly quiet. It COULD be a way to find out more, or not. It could also be a way to make a new friend. And if he ever finds out that his wife and his possible one-night-stand are now best buddies, he might think twice next time. It's also much harder to be jealously resentful of the girl if she is now a good friend. Better karma. It's likely nothing happened with this girl. If she works as a bartender, she would be fairly resistant to casual drunken flirts. It's probable that all he DID was talk. And hope. Marg [/QUOTE]
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