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Substance Abuse
My h stays angry and upset about our difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Nancy" data-source="post: 535204" data-attributes="member: 59"><p>Oh pv it makes absolute sense to me. We have struggled with many of the same feelings. We adopt a child, we make peace with the fact that we cannot have a biological child after we undergo all the indignities of medical tests and procedures, we want to have a family, we seek out alternative ways to have that family and we go through the process of adopting which is stressful and uncertain. And then we get the wonderful news that we are going to become parents through adoption and we have all the hopes and dreams that any parent has for their child. Sometimes we have to endure post adoption stresses with birthparents or home visits and court procedures and sometimes even extended family not understanding or accepting. And then the problem begin.</p><p></p><p>At first we think they may be normal problems and we are use to researching from our pre adoption days so we delve into the books, seek out counselors, ask questions of the doctors. When that doesn't seem to work we get angry and start to resent things. There are school problems, society problems, family problems, problems others don't seem to have or understand. And the financial obligations become overwhelming. Adoptive parents spend more in therapy than the average person, mostly because we are more aware of potential problems and are use to seeking help with the adoption process. What was suppose to be a joyous time of raising our family has turned into a nightmare. We suddenly realize everything is falling apart and there is no help out there. And worst of all.....we asked for this.....we went out of our way to make this family happen, knowing or at least probably being told that there may be serious problems around the corner. We didn't realize or we discounted the heredity part of all this and thought our loving home could conquer everything.</p><p></p><p>We are constantly reminded that we didn't give birth to this child, that our child resents us and blames us for being ripped away from his birthparents, that at times our child hates us, really hates us and has not adopted us as we have adopted him.</p><p></p><p>Finally the last straw, we are drained, our emotions are raw, anger is so close to the surface we can't look at our child without feeling angry. We can't fix things. Our child's future is dismal. Our hopes and dreams are dashed.</p><p></p><p>And again....we asked for this....we sought it out. In my case we brought this into the life of our biological child and caused her irrepairable harm. </p><p></p><p>You may have experienced some or all of this. Your husband is angry and right now he can't get over that anger. You love your son irregardless and if I had to guess deep down inside, very deep down inside, your husband does too. I watched my husband cry over the past two years over our difficult child. I have heard him say how devastating this all is to him. And yet there were times he was so angry he said he regretted what we did 21 years ago and wished we could go back and make a different decision. We can say that to each other now and still say we love our difficult child and always will and the conflict in all this is enormous.</p><p></p><p>Give your husband time. He needs to have some space now to let his anger out. It is a scary thing to do, we are afraid to say things that most people would not understand. When husband and I were at our lowest point and cried and hung onto each other as difficult child sunk lower into the life of addiction and were able to be honest about our feelings without fear of hurting each other, it got better.</p><p></p><p>I promise it will get better. If he did not love his son so much he would not be so angry. He is hurting.</p><p></p><p>Sending understanding hugs to you and your husband.</p><p></p><p>Nancy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nancy, post: 535204, member: 59"] Oh pv it makes absolute sense to me. We have struggled with many of the same feelings. We adopt a child, we make peace with the fact that we cannot have a biological child after we undergo all the indignities of medical tests and procedures, we want to have a family, we seek out alternative ways to have that family and we go through the process of adopting which is stressful and uncertain. And then we get the wonderful news that we are going to become parents through adoption and we have all the hopes and dreams that any parent has for their child. Sometimes we have to endure post adoption stresses with birthparents or home visits and court procedures and sometimes even extended family not understanding or accepting. And then the problem begin. At first we think they may be normal problems and we are use to researching from our pre adoption days so we delve into the books, seek out counselors, ask questions of the doctors. When that doesn't seem to work we get angry and start to resent things. There are school problems, society problems, family problems, problems others don't seem to have or understand. And the financial obligations become overwhelming. Adoptive parents spend more in therapy than the average person, mostly because we are more aware of potential problems and are use to seeking help with the adoption process. What was suppose to be a joyous time of raising our family has turned into a nightmare. We suddenly realize everything is falling apart and there is no help out there. And worst of all.....we asked for this.....we went out of our way to make this family happen, knowing or at least probably being told that there may be serious problems around the corner. We didn't realize or we discounted the heredity part of all this and thought our loving home could conquer everything. We are constantly reminded that we didn't give birth to this child, that our child resents us and blames us for being ripped away from his birthparents, that at times our child hates us, really hates us and has not adopted us as we have adopted him. Finally the last straw, we are drained, our emotions are raw, anger is so close to the surface we can't look at our child without feeling angry. We can't fix things. Our child's future is dismal. Our hopes and dreams are dashed. And again....we asked for this....we sought it out. In my case we brought this into the life of our biological child and caused her irrepairable harm. You may have experienced some or all of this. Your husband is angry and right now he can't get over that anger. You love your son irregardless and if I had to guess deep down inside, very deep down inside, your husband does too. I watched my husband cry over the past two years over our difficult child. I have heard him say how devastating this all is to him. And yet there were times he was so angry he said he regretted what we did 21 years ago and wished we could go back and make a different decision. We can say that to each other now and still say we love our difficult child and always will and the conflict in all this is enormous. Give your husband time. He needs to have some space now to let his anger out. It is a scary thing to do, we are afraid to say things that most people would not understand. When husband and I were at our lowest point and cried and hung onto each other as difficult child sunk lower into the life of addiction and were able to be honest about our feelings without fear of hurting each other, it got better. I promise it will get better. If he did not love his son so much he would not be so angry. He is hurting. Sending understanding hugs to you and your husband. Nancy [/QUOTE]
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My h stays angry and upset about our difficult child
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