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Substance Abuse
My h stays angry and upset about our difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 535241" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>I'm sorry your son is causing you to have such a hard time. I agree with others, anger is a mask for other feelings and it may take more time to you husband to get a handle of it. It would maybe do some good for your husband to speak about this to someone outsider, either professional or even to trusted friend. But while your husband's feelings are understandable don't let him throw all of his bad feelings on you. Don't take a blame for this. And if his anger towards your son comes too much for you to handle, you have a right to tell him, that he is your son, whom you still love and you don't have to listen that kind of talk in your home. Not even from husband. That of course is rather extreme stand to take, but anger can be very exhausting to live with and it is really not right you to have to walk in eggshells, because you wanted a child and you together decided to have one.</p><p></p><p>I have had this same experience in smaller scale. MY difficult child screwed up, didn't end up to jail but to exile (well kind of) and it looked like he was both throwing away a unique chance we had invested loads of our time, energy and money in and putting his whole future in serious danger. We were both angry, but from the beginning I was even more worried. For my husband the anger was the main feeling for a long time. There were many background factors starting from family dynamics and old things to that and while I worried for our difficult child's whole future life, was seriously shocked of suicide rates for gambling addicts etc. my husband had very hard time getting over the fact, that our son was screwing that unique chance he had gotten. Maybe it was because that opportunity was something husband had dreamed for himself but didn't have a talent, maybe it was all the extra money we had put to that, all the time used to it or even the fact, that it is also our easy child's, who indeed is a 'perfect child' and an apple of my husband's eye, dream and it is difficult to say, if easy child will ever be lucky enough to have that same chance, maybe not. But anyway, my husband was seriously outraged. Didn't want to talk to difficult child, felt he should be given a good sound beating, was ashamed difficult child is our son, didn't want to have anything to do with things concerning difficult child. Well he was out of his luck on that because difficult child was still a minor at that point. And luckily husband was smart enough to not let all those feelings and thoughts out to difficult child. He ranted and raved for me and didn't talk much to difficult child, but luckily didn't cause any unrepairable damage to his relationship to difficult child, whom he indeed does love. It did take a lot of time for him to get over it and before that I was at the point there I had to tell him, that I was not going to listen any more of that. That I was difficult child's mother and I didn't have to listen anyone talking about him like that. I do believe husband would had gotten over his feelings at time anyway, but our situation was greatly helped by difficult child really stepping up and starting to try and solve his issues. It is so much easier to support the kid who does try. And now it even seems that our difficult child didn't screw his unique chance after all but is indeed working hard on it. But I do believe, that even without difficult child stepping up to the plate my husband would had gotten over it in time, because he does love the kid.</p><p></p><p>Your husband has a right to his anger and it may indeed be common for men to feel that way in that situation. And time probably will help. But do remember that you don't need to let your husband's feelings to dictate what you do, how you feel and what relationship you have with your son. And don't let your husband to blame you. This is not your fault and if your husband feels that having a child was his life ruining mistake, it is a mistake only he himself is responsible at and he can blame only himself on that, not you, not your child. And if your husband irritates you too much with this, you may want to remind him about that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 535241, member: 14557"] I'm sorry your son is causing you to have such a hard time. I agree with others, anger is a mask for other feelings and it may take more time to you husband to get a handle of it. It would maybe do some good for your husband to speak about this to someone outsider, either professional or even to trusted friend. But while your husband's feelings are understandable don't let him throw all of his bad feelings on you. Don't take a blame for this. And if his anger towards your son comes too much for you to handle, you have a right to tell him, that he is your son, whom you still love and you don't have to listen that kind of talk in your home. Not even from husband. That of course is rather extreme stand to take, but anger can be very exhausting to live with and it is really not right you to have to walk in eggshells, because you wanted a child and you together decided to have one. I have had this same experience in smaller scale. MY difficult child screwed up, didn't end up to jail but to exile (well kind of) and it looked like he was both throwing away a unique chance we had invested loads of our time, energy and money in and putting his whole future in serious danger. We were both angry, but from the beginning I was even more worried. For my husband the anger was the main feeling for a long time. There were many background factors starting from family dynamics and old things to that and while I worried for our difficult child's whole future life, was seriously shocked of suicide rates for gambling addicts etc. my husband had very hard time getting over the fact, that our son was screwing that unique chance he had gotten. Maybe it was because that opportunity was something husband had dreamed for himself but didn't have a talent, maybe it was all the extra money we had put to that, all the time used to it or even the fact, that it is also our easy child's, who indeed is a 'perfect child' and an apple of my husband's eye, dream and it is difficult to say, if easy child will ever be lucky enough to have that same chance, maybe not. But anyway, my husband was seriously outraged. Didn't want to talk to difficult child, felt he should be given a good sound beating, was ashamed difficult child is our son, didn't want to have anything to do with things concerning difficult child. Well he was out of his luck on that because difficult child was still a minor at that point. And luckily husband was smart enough to not let all those feelings and thoughts out to difficult child. He ranted and raved for me and didn't talk much to difficult child, but luckily didn't cause any unrepairable damage to his relationship to difficult child, whom he indeed does love. It did take a lot of time for him to get over it and before that I was at the point there I had to tell him, that I was not going to listen any more of that. That I was difficult child's mother and I didn't have to listen anyone talking about him like that. I do believe husband would had gotten over his feelings at time anyway, but our situation was greatly helped by difficult child really stepping up and starting to try and solve his issues. It is so much easier to support the kid who does try. And now it even seems that our difficult child didn't screw his unique chance after all but is indeed working hard on it. But I do believe, that even without difficult child stepping up to the plate my husband would had gotten over it in time, because he does love the kid. Your husband has a right to his anger and it may indeed be common for men to feel that way in that situation. And time probably will help. But do remember that you don't need to let your husband's feelings to dictate what you do, how you feel and what relationship you have with your son. And don't let your husband to blame you. This is not your fault and if your husband feels that having a child was his life ruining mistake, it is a mistake only he himself is responsible at and he can blame only himself on that, not you, not your child. And if your husband irritates you too much with this, you may want to remind him about that. [/QUOTE]
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