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Substance Abuse
My h stays angry and upset about our difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Calamity Jane" data-source="post: 535245" data-attributes="member: 13882"><p>PV,</p><p>I think Nancy's response was brilliant. Your husband is hurting in his way, as you are in yours. While you are both not on the same page, you are in the same story (nightmare?) and need to validate each other's feelings. It's bad enough that your difficult child has hurt you individually, you do not need to have the situation tear your marriage apart as well. I know you're worried about your husband, and he is justified in his anger, and you can acknowledge that. But I guess more importantly for all of us, is what do we do AFTER the anger. We can't just stay angry the rest of our lives and not move on. Maybe you can work on that together in therapy, because despite what your son does with his life, you and husband have made a commitment to each other first and foremost. The legacy of broken glass your difficult child is leaving behind him cannot only be measured by his incarceration---he has destroyed his connection with his father because of his actions, whether he was in his right mind or not.</p><p>I can totally understand where your husband is coming from. Once, when talking privately with difficult children psychiatrist, I described my feelings exactly as you have described your DHs current state of mind. I really let it all out, no matter how awful it sounded - I was not politically correct, that's for sure. The psychiatrist said my feelings were valid, as husband and I were emotionally abused by our difficult child, and the natural consequences of that abuse was our feelings of anger, hurt, victimization, etc. psychiatrist helped me get past my anger, otherwise it would kill me and kill my relationship with-husband. I think your husband IS justified in his feelings, but his anger will lead to depression, then more internalized anger, and emotional separation from you, etc. Please see if he can go to therapy to begin to work this out either on his own or together with you before your son is released. It is very, very hard. I'm sure husband would say that he doesn't need therapy...he just needs to not have any further contact with difficult child for the rest of his life! He can't be faulted for putting boundaries around himself after what you both went through. No one should have to feel regret that they adopted a child, and no one should have to feel hijacked and emotionally strangled by their child's actions. Even if husband never breathes another word to difficult child, or sees him face to face again, husband still needs to deal with his anger and hurt, or the anger and hurt and possibly guilt for those feelings will deal with him. I feel so bad for what you're experiencing and don't want you to feel alone in this at all. Take care of yourself and husband.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Calamity Jane, post: 535245, member: 13882"] PV, I think Nancy's response was brilliant. Your husband is hurting in his way, as you are in yours. While you are both not on the same page, you are in the same story (nightmare?) and need to validate each other's feelings. It's bad enough that your difficult child has hurt you individually, you do not need to have the situation tear your marriage apart as well. I know you're worried about your husband, and he is justified in his anger, and you can acknowledge that. But I guess more importantly for all of us, is what do we do AFTER the anger. We can't just stay angry the rest of our lives and not move on. Maybe you can work on that together in therapy, because despite what your son does with his life, you and husband have made a commitment to each other first and foremost. The legacy of broken glass your difficult child is leaving behind him cannot only be measured by his incarceration---he has destroyed his connection with his father because of his actions, whether he was in his right mind or not. I can totally understand where your husband is coming from. Once, when talking privately with difficult children psychiatrist, I described my feelings exactly as you have described your DHs current state of mind. I really let it all out, no matter how awful it sounded - I was not politically correct, that's for sure. The psychiatrist said my feelings were valid, as husband and I were emotionally abused by our difficult child, and the natural consequences of that abuse was our feelings of anger, hurt, victimization, etc. psychiatrist helped me get past my anger, otherwise it would kill me and kill my relationship with-husband. I think your husband IS justified in his feelings, but his anger will lead to depression, then more internalized anger, and emotional separation from you, etc. Please see if he can go to therapy to begin to work this out either on his own or together with you before your son is released. It is very, very hard. I'm sure husband would say that he doesn't need therapy...he just needs to not have any further contact with difficult child for the rest of his life! He can't be faulted for putting boundaries around himself after what you both went through. No one should have to feel regret that they adopted a child, and no one should have to feel hijacked and emotionally strangled by their child's actions. Even if husband never breathes another word to difficult child, or sees him face to face again, husband still needs to deal with his anger and hurt, or the anger and hurt and possibly guilt for those feelings will deal with him. I feel so bad for what you're experiencing and don't want you to feel alone in this at all. Take care of yourself and husband. [/QUOTE]
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My h stays angry and upset about our difficult child
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