Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
My h stays angry and upset about our difficult child
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="mrsammler" data-source="post: 536264"><p>I don't know that I'd fault him too much for his anger and even refusal to engage in your difficult child anymore. It is, after all, a response that makes perfect sense if you remove the family connection (and even if you don't, in my estimation): if someone behaves that horribly toward you and your loved ones at that great a length of time and that repeatedly and expensively, it is certainly understandable to simply turn away from the person and have done with it. And if the difficult child's misconduct has cost you so much that you've had to delay retirement, that's even more entirely reasonable rationale for fury and disgust and closing off the relationship. </p><p></p><p>Dear Abby, back in the day, used to advise parents to tell kids at the beginning of high school that when high school is over, they'll need to either go to college on their own dime (i.e., via scholarship or financial aid or savings or what have you), regardless of parental resources, or get a job and move out and start living as an independent adult. Her argument is that a) it's good for kids to have a mature and healthy orientation to preparing to begin life as an adult at 18, and b) parents need to think seriously about the costs of retirement and to be free to prepare for that once their kids are 18. There's no shame in cutting *any* kid loose at 18 via the time-honored "you can live here if you're in college full-time or you've gotta move out" formula, much less a kid who has treated you horribly, stolen from you, disrespected you, possibly assaulted you, etc. It's not unloving or punitive to routinely prod kids to start being an adult at 18--in fact, it helps them attain full maturity more quickly.</p><p></p><p>That said, I understand your husband's feelings perfectly and I'm not sure it's technically a "problem" that he feels this way. A young person has treated him and his loved ones horribly and exploitatively for years, costing him so much money that he has had to delay his retirement. Of course he's furious! Who wouldn't be? Of course he's "done" with that kid until he can demonstrate that he's no longer the monster he has been for years! Of course it might take years or even decades for the anger to bleed away, if it ever does. difficult children need to learn that among the various consequences that they seem to so easily blow off or ignore, there is what psychologists call "extinction"--i.e., if you mistreat someone for long enough, the relationship snuffs out, often permanently. That is one of the organic consequences of gross mistreatment of others. If no one ever demonstrates this consequence to them, they never learn that it's possible and even a just and reasonable consequence to gross misconduct.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mrsammler, post: 536264"] I don't know that I'd fault him too much for his anger and even refusal to engage in your difficult child anymore. It is, after all, a response that makes perfect sense if you remove the family connection (and even if you don't, in my estimation): if someone behaves that horribly toward you and your loved ones at that great a length of time and that repeatedly and expensively, it is certainly understandable to simply turn away from the person and have done with it. And if the difficult child's misconduct has cost you so much that you've had to delay retirement, that's even more entirely reasonable rationale for fury and disgust and closing off the relationship. Dear Abby, back in the day, used to advise parents to tell kids at the beginning of high school that when high school is over, they'll need to either go to college on their own dime (i.e., via scholarship or financial aid or savings or what have you), regardless of parental resources, or get a job and move out and start living as an independent adult. Her argument is that a) it's good for kids to have a mature and healthy orientation to preparing to begin life as an adult at 18, and b) parents need to think seriously about the costs of retirement and to be free to prepare for that once their kids are 18. There's no shame in cutting *any* kid loose at 18 via the time-honored "you can live here if you're in college full-time or you've gotta move out" formula, much less a kid who has treated you horribly, stolen from you, disrespected you, possibly assaulted you, etc. It's not unloving or punitive to routinely prod kids to start being an adult at 18--in fact, it helps them attain full maturity more quickly. That said, I understand your husband's feelings perfectly and I'm not sure it's technically a "problem" that he feels this way. A young person has treated him and his loved ones horribly and exploitatively for years, costing him so much money that he has had to delay his retirement. Of course he's furious! Who wouldn't be? Of course he's "done" with that kid until he can demonstrate that he's no longer the monster he has been for years! Of course it might take years or even decades for the anger to bleed away, if it ever does. difficult children need to learn that among the various consequences that they seem to so easily blow off or ignore, there is what psychologists call "extinction"--i.e., if you mistreat someone for long enough, the relationship snuffs out, often permanently. That is one of the organic consequences of gross mistreatment of others. If no one ever demonstrates this consequence to them, they never learn that it's possible and even a just and reasonable consequence to gross misconduct. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
My h stays angry and upset about our difficult child
Top