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My H tries to ruin the holidays for me~
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 390958" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Dear All Heart, </p><p> </p><p>I am not sure what part of Christmas it is that ruins life as it were for so many people. I don't know if it's the stress of Christmases past where people start to reminisce about how they fell short each year with their kids, their loved ones and felt 'I will do better next year' and then didn't. Then those emotions pile up over the years as self-perceived failures, when in reality life just happens but it seems to get magnified around the holidays. It could be what I call grade-school-play syndrome. Some of us would just rather sit in the audience, and not be 'on stage' with all it's lights, costumes, fan-fare, rehearsing and then the BIG production - curtain opens and TA DA - (christmas morning). For some I think it's just the annoyance that the rest of the world has created over it all. In some ways this would me my steer towards holiday depression. I really dislike all that "WE MUST GO OVERBOARD" with some people. I don't have the means to go overboard, and if I had the means? I would and have (even with what great little I have been blessed with) shared it with others. </p><p> </p><p> Seems to me this time of year isn't just THIS TIME OF YEAR, but it's all year - but SO MUCH emphasis by the rest of the world that forgets how we're supposed to treat each other all the time is brought to a pinacle because of guilt. Drop a dollar in a bucket for the Salvation Army, put a new, unwrapped toy in a box as you leave the Kmart, pull a name off the Angel Tree at the mall and buy some underprivledged kid some clothes and one big item to wow him or her. I mean all of that is great, but where is that spirit ALL YEAR LONG? Why can't we be like that all year long? Why AREN'T we like that all year long? Are we? Why not? If we were, then maybe Christmas and the season to celebrate the SPIRIT OF GIVING wouldn't seem so out of proportion. Maybe it would be more like Oh look at veterans day - I appreciate my military men every day - I don't do much for them, but boy I sure appreciate them and when veterans day rolls around, you put out a flag, you take a day off and do you see many people get severely depressed on veterans day or suffer from SAD on that day? But let us appreciate the spirit of giving, hang a Christmas tree and a stocking - and all of a sudden we're REMINDED that this is a holiday to remember the spirit of GIVING - and all of a sudden - some of us think - WOW - Either I am the little drummer boy and I have nothing to give so I won't give anything (bah rump a bum bum) or I'll just be Scrooge and wish that everyone disappear and NOT celebrate this day because I'm not giving all year long why should this day be any different? BAH HUM BUG and you dispense with your merry-making - I'll be here hiding in my own misery until this dreadful day passes. </p><p> </p><p>DF is an eeyore. I am a butterfly. But...around the holidays? If I asked him to "Make Merry" I think he'd probably make a a drink or 20 and THEN be merry. With him? In the past he has sat and thought about Christmases past. How he didn't quite "live up" to his ideas of what he thought should have been. It took me years to figure this out. He openly admitted that he has ruined EVERY Christmas that we have been together - 11 years. I can't get him to shop, decorate, and I LOVE Christmas. The year Dude went to jail, and Witz kicked the manger across her living room? It was the ONLY thing that saved me from sinking into the worst depression of my entire life. No tree, no gifts, no family, no music, no food - nothing. Just in my bed, dark room, covers over my head - sleeping for days. Then the donkey (*****) took a flight and that was it.....I was almost on the floor. After that? I made a decision that with or without eeyore IIIIIIIII would go on about my business and make merry. If he wanted to sit in a dark den, shades drawn, watch westerns and let life pass him by? So be it - but I told him - THIS IS NOT JUST HIS life he is wasting. This is OUR life - and MY TIME on this earth is short - too short to continue to spend it NOT celebrating holidays the way I want to. And.........too short to continue to live with a man that didn't share the same values and beliefs I did. </p><p> </p><p>THAT? THAT made him think. Last year I came home from a very hard day at work. Men got Xmas bonuses, I did not. Men got vacations paid - I got nothing. I pulled in the drive and on our magnolia tree (no pine trees in SC) was a cruddy little strand of Christmas lights. To me? It looked like Rockafeller Square. That one strand of lights meant more to me than you'll ever know. I walked in the door - and there on the table was a minature Christmas tree, lit with a small gift box, wrapped under it. I'm not prone to crying, but by the time I got in the door I had tear stains down both cheeks and a nose as red as Rudolph's. He simply said "I'm sorry I've ruined every Christmas for you." </p><p> </p><p>My point here is for 11 years? I didn't try to drag him into it - I've done things alone. I didn't beg him to hang the lights, or trim the tree - I asked; he declined - I probably sighed and went off feeling very alone. When I had my fill? I let him know, and 11 years was my fill. My cup as they say ranneth over. I didn't do it yelling, belittleing - I just stated a fact....and yes, I did take into account HIS depression in this matter, but what he did NOT take into account for 11 years was MY depression for each and every holiday, each and every event, each and every BBQ that I have spent alone - and when I have gone places alone? Came home ALONE. But when I made my statement about how short my life was to continue it with a man who didn't share my values and beliefs? It left him with something to think about - ON HIS OWN without malice and without threats. I respected his illness - now he needed to respect my needs. </p><p> </p><p>I considered selling our tree - but I have boxes and boxes of ornaments and they give ME great joy ------so no. I have outside decorations that I love to put up.....but haven't for years, and will now if it suits me. Our giving spirit is all year long and like I've said despite having little we have managed to share it all year long - and more if we can which makes Christmas less of a stress - it's just like another day to appreciate the spirit of giving and hope we can continue to do so throughout the coming year. </p><p> </p><p>If hubby is worried about huge bills - make a compromise - Have a NEW kind of Christmas. Make choices now - Maybe everyone ONLY gets 2 gifts - and the third one HAS to be a donation to -----and your family picks the charity or charities - and you all do something for that charity together - volunteer or whatever instead of money. </p><p> </p><p>Set a spending limit.....for everyone. </p><p> </p><p>Explain that you HAVE 100 strands of lights but you would be DELIGHTED beyond words with 14 of them - then lavish praise. </p><p> </p><p>Make a chore list - and make HIS the shortest - ACCOMPLISHABLE - and CROSS LINES THROUGH IT - when he is done - and let it be seen - </p><p> </p><p>TALK BIG.......then come to earth by planning small - WELL I WANTED To invite 50 people, but I think you are right honey - 12 is a more manageable party....and cheaper. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> and of course you only wanted 8 to begin with. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I'm not sure if this maybe your year to do the values, beliefs statement.....you're kinda pulled with school and all - but make a list tonight of everything you would LOVE to do at Christmas and then pick your top 5 </p><p> </p><p>and ask husband if he could at least do the top #1 thing with you. Then tell him if he will? The rest of the holiday he can lock himself in the basement until Jan. 4th. </p><p> </p><p>THEN hit him with the beliefs values thing. CALMLY but assertively. </p><p> </p><p>Oh and quit dragging his family into this - he's a 50 yr. old man who is capable of making his own decisions.......and has had a lifetime to mold his own life. They may have influenced him, but they aren't still doing that - HE IS. mk? </p><p> </p><p>Love and Hugs.....</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 390958, member: 4964"] Dear All Heart, I am not sure what part of Christmas it is that ruins life as it were for so many people. I don't know if it's the stress of Christmases past where people start to reminisce about how they fell short each year with their kids, their loved ones and felt 'I will do better next year' and then didn't. Then those emotions pile up over the years as self-perceived failures, when in reality life just happens but it seems to get magnified around the holidays. It could be what I call grade-school-play syndrome. Some of us would just rather sit in the audience, and not be 'on stage' with all it's lights, costumes, fan-fare, rehearsing and then the BIG production - curtain opens and TA DA - (christmas morning). For some I think it's just the annoyance that the rest of the world has created over it all. In some ways this would me my steer towards holiday depression. I really dislike all that "WE MUST GO OVERBOARD" with some people. I don't have the means to go overboard, and if I had the means? I would and have (even with what great little I have been blessed with) shared it with others. Seems to me this time of year isn't just THIS TIME OF YEAR, but it's all year - but SO MUCH emphasis by the rest of the world that forgets how we're supposed to treat each other all the time is brought to a pinacle because of guilt. Drop a dollar in a bucket for the Salvation Army, put a new, unwrapped toy in a box as you leave the Kmart, pull a name off the Angel Tree at the mall and buy some underprivledged kid some clothes and one big item to wow him or her. I mean all of that is great, but where is that spirit ALL YEAR LONG? Why can't we be like that all year long? Why AREN'T we like that all year long? Are we? Why not? If we were, then maybe Christmas and the season to celebrate the SPIRIT OF GIVING wouldn't seem so out of proportion. Maybe it would be more like Oh look at veterans day - I appreciate my military men every day - I don't do much for them, but boy I sure appreciate them and when veterans day rolls around, you put out a flag, you take a day off and do you see many people get severely depressed on veterans day or suffer from SAD on that day? But let us appreciate the spirit of giving, hang a Christmas tree and a stocking - and all of a sudden we're REMINDED that this is a holiday to remember the spirit of GIVING - and all of a sudden - some of us think - WOW - Either I am the little drummer boy and I have nothing to give so I won't give anything (bah rump a bum bum) or I'll just be Scrooge and wish that everyone disappear and NOT celebrate this day because I'm not giving all year long why should this day be any different? BAH HUM BUG and you dispense with your merry-making - I'll be here hiding in my own misery until this dreadful day passes. DF is an eeyore. I am a butterfly. But...around the holidays? If I asked him to "Make Merry" I think he'd probably make a a drink or 20 and THEN be merry. With him? In the past he has sat and thought about Christmases past. How he didn't quite "live up" to his ideas of what he thought should have been. It took me years to figure this out. He openly admitted that he has ruined EVERY Christmas that we have been together - 11 years. I can't get him to shop, decorate, and I LOVE Christmas. The year Dude went to jail, and Witz kicked the manger across her living room? It was the ONLY thing that saved me from sinking into the worst depression of my entire life. No tree, no gifts, no family, no music, no food - nothing. Just in my bed, dark room, covers over my head - sleeping for days. Then the donkey (*****) took a flight and that was it.....I was almost on the floor. After that? I made a decision that with or without eeyore IIIIIIIII would go on about my business and make merry. If he wanted to sit in a dark den, shades drawn, watch westerns and let life pass him by? So be it - but I told him - THIS IS NOT JUST HIS life he is wasting. This is OUR life - and MY TIME on this earth is short - too short to continue to spend it NOT celebrating holidays the way I want to. And.........too short to continue to live with a man that didn't share the same values and beliefs I did. THAT? THAT made him think. Last year I came home from a very hard day at work. Men got Xmas bonuses, I did not. Men got vacations paid - I got nothing. I pulled in the drive and on our magnolia tree (no pine trees in SC) was a cruddy little strand of Christmas lights. To me? It looked like Rockafeller Square. That one strand of lights meant more to me than you'll ever know. I walked in the door - and there on the table was a minature Christmas tree, lit with a small gift box, wrapped under it. I'm not prone to crying, but by the time I got in the door I had tear stains down both cheeks and a nose as red as Rudolph's. He simply said "I'm sorry I've ruined every Christmas for you." My point here is for 11 years? I didn't try to drag him into it - I've done things alone. I didn't beg him to hang the lights, or trim the tree - I asked; he declined - I probably sighed and went off feeling very alone. When I had my fill? I let him know, and 11 years was my fill. My cup as they say ranneth over. I didn't do it yelling, belittleing - I just stated a fact....and yes, I did take into account HIS depression in this matter, but what he did NOT take into account for 11 years was MY depression for each and every holiday, each and every event, each and every BBQ that I have spent alone - and when I have gone places alone? Came home ALONE. But when I made my statement about how short my life was to continue it with a man who didn't share my values and beliefs? It left him with something to think about - ON HIS OWN without malice and without threats. I respected his illness - now he needed to respect my needs. I considered selling our tree - but I have boxes and boxes of ornaments and they give ME great joy ------so no. I have outside decorations that I love to put up.....but haven't for years, and will now if it suits me. Our giving spirit is all year long and like I've said despite having little we have managed to share it all year long - and more if we can which makes Christmas less of a stress - it's just like another day to appreciate the spirit of giving and hope we can continue to do so throughout the coming year. If hubby is worried about huge bills - make a compromise - Have a NEW kind of Christmas. Make choices now - Maybe everyone ONLY gets 2 gifts - and the third one HAS to be a donation to -----and your family picks the charity or charities - and you all do something for that charity together - volunteer or whatever instead of money. Set a spending limit.....for everyone. Explain that you HAVE 100 strands of lights but you would be DELIGHTED beyond words with 14 of them - then lavish praise. Make a chore list - and make HIS the shortest - ACCOMPLISHABLE - and CROSS LINES THROUGH IT - when he is done - and let it be seen - TALK BIG.......then come to earth by planning small - WELL I WANTED To invite 50 people, but I think you are right honey - 12 is a more manageable party....and cheaper. :winking: and of course you only wanted 8 to begin with. I'm not sure if this maybe your year to do the values, beliefs statement.....you're kinda pulled with school and all - but make a list tonight of everything you would LOVE to do at Christmas and then pick your top 5 and ask husband if he could at least do the top #1 thing with you. Then tell him if he will? The rest of the holiday he can lock himself in the basement until Jan. 4th. THEN hit him with the beliefs values thing. CALMLY but assertively. Oh and quit dragging his family into this - he's a 50 yr. old man who is capable of making his own decisions.......and has had a lifetime to mold his own life. They may have influenced him, but they aren't still doing that - HE IS. mk? Love and Hugs..... Star [/QUOTE]
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