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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 24767" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>Hi,</p><p>Being a stepmom has the advantages that you can become her confidant and friend , work with her , without the emotional baggage that goes with a normal parent-child relationships.</p><p>The message in my humble opinion we should give the child is in the words of Eli Newberger .The method of time outs ,withdrawing privileges is essentially negative: I can't communicate with you, and so I'll hurt you if you don't mind me. The positive counterpoint is: We all make mistakes, and you can trust me to help you do better in the future.</p><p>If you are thinking of using traditional discipline , consequences etc , she will resist and of course you are not her mother. She needs positive older teenagers or young adults in her life. in my humble opinion you have to fist reach out to her , use dialog questions, get her to speak , use listen , reach understandings, discuss concerns and then look for solutions, the best way to set limits is by reaching mutually satisfying solutions.</p><p></p><p>Here is a piece I wrote on problem solving</p><p>I think problem solving issues between parent and child is on one hand jumping into the deep end and you cannot swim and on the other hand it is also very much on the job training. Dr Greene says a kid needs if i remember correctly at least 30-40 problem solving experiences to develop the skill and belief/confidence that problem solving serves his interests. Part of learning these skills, is becoming as the title of Myrna Shure's book suggests - Thinking parent, Thinking child. With regard to problem solving Myrna Shure says ' Problem solving is the only technique that truly involves the participation of the child to make a decision, decide whether or not its a good one , the consequences of this decision on others , not just a what's in it for me perspective and then, if needed, think of a new solution. Its also the only way children are truly guided toward empathy, that is, to make decisions based on how the other will feel. But first, the child comes to care about his own feelings, because that matters as part of the decision-making process, and also, no one can truly care about others if he dosent care about himself. </p><p>We also want parallel learning , thinking together for eg using De Bono's PMI tool - lets look together at the positives , pluses of the idea , then together the minuses , then any Interesting Ideas that may come from the suggestion. The best is to use non-emotive issues or better discuss social stories, TV program , news item, etc and express empathy, take perspectives , this is what you think that the boy feels , this is how I perceive the problem , this is how I think you perceive the problem , how do you perceive the problem ,also see the problem or the issue as one also facing a group, family, class, school etc. As Alfie Kohn says , try to talk in the plural. Greene says Try to focus on ' Concerns ' , rather than solutions - a boy wanting a ball is really a solution for him , the concern maybe he is bored so a ball is only one solution. We try to find many alternative solutions. A kid who is able to come up with various alternative solutions is less likely to become frustrated. By using the word ' we ' , we help the kid's thinking to be more exploratory , beyond himself , thinking for the benefit of the group, seeing himself as part of a family, seeing the consequences of his actions, not only on himself but on others ,finding solutions that are mutually satisfying , being proactively prosocial with other kids, learning to give and take, seek further help to solve problems. Another important tool for kids is the language of problem solving. Problems and their solutions are often due to the Time constraint and finding a more appropriate time , delaying gratification etc . So building a schedule with a kid over the week , gives him a wider sense of time , he can see the tomorrow , that his needs will be met . So words like a can you think of a different time or a better time , not now later , for sequential or consequential thing , before or after . Part of problem solving is dealing with your own feelings , being aware of them , dealing with them. You also have to be aware of your feelings to be able to relate to and consider others feelings. Defining your feelings moves your brain from the limbic -emotional rush fight/flight mode to the prefontal lobe thinking mode which helps you deal with feelings. These feelings can be then translated into needs and concerns. Myrna Shure has a book for younger kids which helps us give young kids the language of problem solving. Problem solving involves also understanding the motives of other people , understanding that things not always what they seem to be, consequential thinking and planning, sequential planning , always reflecting using hindsight and foresight .Problem solving means sometimes learning to live with situations , developing coping skills to handle disappointment and frustration. So we use stories and words - I am very disappointed but at least .... , no big deal , tomorrow ... etc. We can talk about resilience , bouncing back , the failure is not in falling but not getting up , as Proverbs says - 7 times a rightious man will fall and then rise. To summarize try and generalize the one on one time dynamic of dialog , dialog questions , getting your kid to speak and you listening directing him with your questions and make your interactions a learning experience , a parallel learning experience where you focus beyond the self , talk in the plural, talk about other people , being prosocial , a contributor, so when it comes to your own problems , you have the skills and the tools.</p><p>It is not easy , it is a process , education is a long process.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 24767, member: 10"] Hi, Being a stepmom has the advantages that you can become her confidant and friend , work with her , without the emotional baggage that goes with a normal parent-child relationships. The message in my humble opinion we should give the child is in the words of Eli Newberger .The method of time outs ,withdrawing privileges is essentially negative: I can't communicate with you, and so I'll hurt you if you don't mind me. The positive counterpoint is: We all make mistakes, and you can trust me to help you do better in the future. If you are thinking of using traditional discipline , consequences etc , she will resist and of course you are not her mother. She needs positive older teenagers or young adults in her life. in my humble opinion you have to fist reach out to her , use dialog questions, get her to speak , use listen , reach understandings, discuss concerns and then look for solutions, the best way to set limits is by reaching mutually satisfying solutions. Here is a piece I wrote on problem solving I think problem solving issues between parent and child is on one hand jumping into the deep end and you cannot swim and on the other hand it is also very much on the job training. Dr Greene says a kid needs if i remember correctly at least 30-40 problem solving experiences to develop the skill and belief/confidence that problem solving serves his interests. Part of learning these skills, is becoming as the title of Myrna Shure's book suggests - Thinking parent, Thinking child. With regard to problem solving Myrna Shure says ' Problem solving is the only technique that truly involves the participation of the child to make a decision, decide whether or not its a good one , the consequences of this decision on others , not just a what's in it for me perspective and then, if needed, think of a new solution. Its also the only way children are truly guided toward empathy, that is, to make decisions based on how the other will feel. But first, the child comes to care about his own feelings, because that matters as part of the decision-making process, and also, no one can truly care about others if he dosent care about himself. We also want parallel learning , thinking together for eg using De Bono's PMI tool - lets look together at the positives , pluses of the idea , then together the minuses , then any Interesting Ideas that may come from the suggestion. The best is to use non-emotive issues or better discuss social stories, TV program , news item, etc and express empathy, take perspectives , this is what you think that the boy feels , this is how I perceive the problem , this is how I think you perceive the problem , how do you perceive the problem ,also see the problem or the issue as one also facing a group, family, class, school etc. As Alfie Kohn says , try to talk in the plural. Greene says Try to focus on ' Concerns ' , rather than solutions - a boy wanting a ball is really a solution for him , the concern maybe he is bored so a ball is only one solution. We try to find many alternative solutions. A kid who is able to come up with various alternative solutions is less likely to become frustrated. By using the word ' we ' , we help the kid's thinking to be more exploratory , beyond himself , thinking for the benefit of the group, seeing himself as part of a family, seeing the consequences of his actions, not only on himself but on others ,finding solutions that are mutually satisfying , being proactively prosocial with other kids, learning to give and take, seek further help to solve problems. Another important tool for kids is the language of problem solving. Problems and their solutions are often due to the Time constraint and finding a more appropriate time , delaying gratification etc . So building a schedule with a kid over the week , gives him a wider sense of time , he can see the tomorrow , that his needs will be met . So words like a can you think of a different time or a better time , not now later , for sequential or consequential thing , before or after . Part of problem solving is dealing with your own feelings , being aware of them , dealing with them. You also have to be aware of your feelings to be able to relate to and consider others feelings. Defining your feelings moves your brain from the limbic -emotional rush fight/flight mode to the prefontal lobe thinking mode which helps you deal with feelings. These feelings can be then translated into needs and concerns. Myrna Shure has a book for younger kids which helps us give young kids the language of problem solving. Problem solving involves also understanding the motives of other people , understanding that things not always what they seem to be, consequential thinking and planning, sequential planning , always reflecting using hindsight and foresight .Problem solving means sometimes learning to live with situations , developing coping skills to handle disappointment and frustration. So we use stories and words - I am very disappointed but at least .... , no big deal , tomorrow ... etc. We can talk about resilience , bouncing back , the failure is not in falling but not getting up , as Proverbs says - 7 times a rightious man will fall and then rise. To summarize try and generalize the one on one time dynamic of dialog , dialog questions , getting your kid to speak and you listening directing him with your questions and make your interactions a learning experience , a parallel learning experience where you focus beyond the self , talk in the plural, talk about other people , being prosocial , a contributor, so when it comes to your own problems , you have the skills and the tools. It is not easy , it is a process , education is a long process. [/QUOTE]
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