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<blockquote data-quote="neednewtechnique" data-source="post: 25418" data-attributes="member: 3527"><p>Now that I have put some more thought into some of the things that I am hearing from you all, I have a few answers to some of your questions. </p><p></p><p>First of all, the question about developmental age...it is funny you should mention that, because there have been several occasions the last few months that I have just wondered to myself what she was thinking and why she did things the way she did. There are some of the most basic things that she doesn't seem to know how to do. I did get a bit of insight from her psychotherapist about this behavior though. Our difficult child has moved around alot, and has been in the care of several different people, even WHILE she was supposed to be living with her mother. Her therapist told us that every time a child moves, it will set them back, developmentally, by approx six months. So try to take into account how many places your child had to re-adjust to before you took him in, and do the math, see what you come up with, it seems to be scary how accurate that explanation is....at least in our case. There is of course, too, the fact that our difficult child's bio mother never made her do anything for herself. Up until the last few weeks, she has only been allowed supervised contact with her mother for 1-1/2 hours per week. I had the privelege of being the supervisor for a few of these visits since mom has returned home from prison and noticed a few shocking things. At dinnertime, mom cooked for her and made her a plate, which didn't bother me too much, but then she proceeded to get out bread, butter and a knife, and come over to the table and butter bread for her to eat. Come ON!!!! A 12 year old should be buttering her own bread!!!! And, I guess this could be a bit critical, considering there are so few things that mom gets to do for her now, maybe that was just her way of trying to make up for some of it but totally pampering her in that ninety minutes, but still... a bit too attentive, if you ask me. </p><p></p><p>As for the respite care, the CPS agency that has custody of her at this time is actually a private agency that works with CPS to help lighten their caseload. There are pros, because these children are given more individual attention, so their experience in "the system" isn't as cold and impersonal as it normally would be with the overworked and underpaid CPS caseworkers. However, the cons are also that they don't deal with nearly as many children, and often don't see the not-so-glamorous side of some of these kids and the effects that their previous situations have had on them. Her caseworker doesnt understand the behavior, and is even HESITATING to allow us to restrain our difficult child when she is being violent so someone doesn't get hurt!! She is afraid we will take advantage of this ability and doesn't trust us to use good judgement and only go to that extreme if necessary. So, I don't really think she will be much interested in taking those steps for us. Besides, I think that much of the back and forth she has been through in the past has contributed to where she is now, and the problems that she has, and I am afraid that passing her off on someone else for periods of time may just make things worse and drag the treatment process out longer than necessary. But don't think we have not considered it, because we certainly have. </p><p></p><p>And to answer someone else's question, bio mom was doing drugs before, during, and after pregnancy... in fact, my husband and her's relationship didn't work out partly because of this very issue. He didn't want anything to do with drugs and she refused to stop. They split up, BEFORE she found out she was pregnant and then just never told him. My husband didn't even know our difficult child existed until she was almost two!!!! So yes, substance abuse was involved in-utero and has been a part of her life ever since she was born. Finally she is in a stable, secure, and positive home environment where there are no drugs and one of her biggest obstacles right now is that she is fearful that we are hiding some terrible secret that will come out later and will flip her entire world upside down once again if someone found out. I try to tell her there isn't anything like that here, but she doesn't believe me. I am also very careful to let her know that her concerns are definitely valid, considering she has never known anything else, and I try to support her by explaining that I know it will take time for her to trust us, but that after a while, she will understand that we are to be taken at face value, what you see is what you get, and there is nothing else. She agrees that eventually after time, she will feel more comfortable and confident that everything is going to be okay, but she keeps reminding me that she isn't there yet. </p><p></p><p>And though this may sound bad, sometimes I am happy to see her acting out like she does, because I feel like the more she shows this behavior, the more confident she is that we love her and that we are not going to turn our backs on her, and no matter what she does we will still love her and be here for her. I almost see it as a sign of trust. She would not and DOES NOT act this way with someone/anyone she is unsure of their interest and their level of devotion and commitment to her.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="neednewtechnique, post: 25418, member: 3527"] Now that I have put some more thought into some of the things that I am hearing from you all, I have a few answers to some of your questions. First of all, the question about developmental age...it is funny you should mention that, because there have been several occasions the last few months that I have just wondered to myself what she was thinking and why she did things the way she did. There are some of the most basic things that she doesn't seem to know how to do. I did get a bit of insight from her psychotherapist about this behavior though. Our difficult child has moved around alot, and has been in the care of several different people, even WHILE she was supposed to be living with her mother. Her therapist told us that every time a child moves, it will set them back, developmentally, by approx six months. So try to take into account how many places your child had to re-adjust to before you took him in, and do the math, see what you come up with, it seems to be scary how accurate that explanation is....at least in our case. There is of course, too, the fact that our difficult child's bio mother never made her do anything for herself. Up until the last few weeks, she has only been allowed supervised contact with her mother for 1-1/2 hours per week. I had the privelege of being the supervisor for a few of these visits since mom has returned home from prison and noticed a few shocking things. At dinnertime, mom cooked for her and made her a plate, which didn't bother me too much, but then she proceeded to get out bread, butter and a knife, and come over to the table and butter bread for her to eat. Come ON!!!! A 12 year old should be buttering her own bread!!!! And, I guess this could be a bit critical, considering there are so few things that mom gets to do for her now, maybe that was just her way of trying to make up for some of it but totally pampering her in that ninety minutes, but still... a bit too attentive, if you ask me. As for the respite care, the CPS agency that has custody of her at this time is actually a private agency that works with CPS to help lighten their caseload. There are pros, because these children are given more individual attention, so their experience in "the system" isn't as cold and impersonal as it normally would be with the overworked and underpaid CPS caseworkers. However, the cons are also that they don't deal with nearly as many children, and often don't see the not-so-glamorous side of some of these kids and the effects that their previous situations have had on them. Her caseworker doesnt understand the behavior, and is even HESITATING to allow us to restrain our difficult child when she is being violent so someone doesn't get hurt!! She is afraid we will take advantage of this ability and doesn't trust us to use good judgement and only go to that extreme if necessary. So, I don't really think she will be much interested in taking those steps for us. Besides, I think that much of the back and forth she has been through in the past has contributed to where she is now, and the problems that she has, and I am afraid that passing her off on someone else for periods of time may just make things worse and drag the treatment process out longer than necessary. But don't think we have not considered it, because we certainly have. And to answer someone else's question, bio mom was doing drugs before, during, and after pregnancy... in fact, my husband and her's relationship didn't work out partly because of this very issue. He didn't want anything to do with drugs and she refused to stop. They split up, BEFORE she found out she was pregnant and then just never told him. My husband didn't even know our difficult child existed until she was almost two!!!! So yes, substance abuse was involved in-utero and has been a part of her life ever since she was born. Finally she is in a stable, secure, and positive home environment where there are no drugs and one of her biggest obstacles right now is that she is fearful that we are hiding some terrible secret that will come out later and will flip her entire world upside down once again if someone found out. I try to tell her there isn't anything like that here, but she doesn't believe me. I am also very careful to let her know that her concerns are definitely valid, considering she has never known anything else, and I try to support her by explaining that I know it will take time for her to trust us, but that after a while, she will understand that we are to be taken at face value, what you see is what you get, and there is nothing else. She agrees that eventually after time, she will feel more comfortable and confident that everything is going to be okay, but she keeps reminding me that she isn't there yet. And though this may sound bad, sometimes I am happy to see her acting out like she does, because I feel like the more she shows this behavior, the more confident she is that we love her and that we are not going to turn our backs on her, and no matter what she does we will still love her and be here for her. I almost see it as a sign of trust. She would not and DOES NOT act this way with someone/anyone she is unsure of their interest and their level of devotion and commitment to her. [/QUOTE]
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