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My son is 26yrs old. He's been in and out of jail and prison.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 747884" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Welcome Beingstrong. Your story is totally typical in this community. Our children have careened out of control, they're on the streets, they use drugs, they are hostile and disrespectful, they don't take care of themselves and trash us and their surroundings.</p><p></p><p>And when they do this, WE are the ones who feel out of control. And OUR lives careen out of control, as we seek to control THEM.</p><p></p><p>We.can.not.control.them. We.can.not.improve.their lives.</p><p></p><p>We can only change ourselves and make our lives better. We do this first by changing our focus from them to us. We do this little by little. Day by day.</p><p></p><p>Yes. It is heart-breaking what is happening to them. What they are doing to their lives. What they are not doing. How they are at risk. Yes. It could keep on this way or get worse.</p><p></p><p>But the thing we learn, is that change comes from them. Not from us.</p><p></p><p>It does not mean we cannot support them. It does not mean they cannot be in our lives.</p><p></p><p>But first comes our own well-being. If they are hostile, disrespectful, destructive, of us or our property and well-being, the first thing that has to happen, is very firm boundaries to keep them away. By limiting contact and interaction, and most definitely, out of our space.</p><p></p><p>There is an article on detachment on this site. Look on the forums page. You'll find it.</p><p></p><p>All of us deal with guilt. All of us are sometimes sad. Many of us are fearful. But day by day despite these emotions we learn to put the focus back on our own well-being, and in this way we support our adult children to live their own autonomous, real lives, in the way that they can. Little by little we embrace that this is the right thing to do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 747884, member: 18958"] Welcome Beingstrong. Your story is totally typical in this community. Our children have careened out of control, they're on the streets, they use drugs, they are hostile and disrespectful, they don't take care of themselves and trash us and their surroundings. And when they do this, WE are the ones who feel out of control. And OUR lives careen out of control, as we seek to control THEM. We.can.not.control.them. We.can.not.improve.their lives. We can only change ourselves and make our lives better. We do this first by changing our focus from them to us. We do this little by little. Day by day. Yes. It is heart-breaking what is happening to them. What they are doing to their lives. What they are not doing. How they are at risk. Yes. It could keep on this way or get worse. But the thing we learn, is that change comes from them. Not from us. It does not mean we cannot support them. It does not mean they cannot be in our lives. But first comes our own well-being. If they are hostile, disrespectful, destructive, of us or our property and well-being, the first thing that has to happen, is very firm boundaries to keep them away. By limiting contact and interaction, and most definitely, out of our space. There is an article on detachment on this site. Look on the forums page. You'll find it. All of us deal with guilt. All of us are sometimes sad. Many of us are fearful. But day by day despite these emotions we learn to put the focus back on our own well-being, and in this way we support our adult children to live their own autonomous, real lives, in the way that they can. Little by little we embrace that this is the right thing to do. [/QUOTE]
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My son is 26yrs old. He's been in and out of jail and prison.
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