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My son is about to be homeless...again
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 640089" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Raylea, you've received good advice from the others. I am so sorry you find yourself where you are with your son, it is a difficult and painful place to be. </p><p></p><p>As a support, you may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here, on detachment. It can be helpful information. You may want to contact NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access them online, they have chapters in most major cities. They offer parenting courses which are extremely helpful. I received a lot of good advice and support from them. If you want to go to a therapist, you can contact Social Services in your region, they can usually give you a list of therapists who do sliding scale. You may also benefit from 12 step groups. Even if you are not quite a "fit" they can be of enormous help and support for folks. You may have to dig around a little to find a group that works for you. I found CoDa to be helpful. </p><p></p><p>It's pretty difficult to be in this place alone without any support. It doesn't sound as if you have much support and in order to make the changes necessary and to be able to find our own joy and our own peace, outside support is usually a very good thing to have, often necessary because lets face it, this is pretty devastating for us parents. We need a place to go to vent, cry, get compassion, understanding, support, guidance, information and nurturing. </p><p></p><p>My daughter is about to be 42, suffers from some kind of mental anomaly, she won't get diagnosed or get help, so I don't know what it is, but it is 'something' which prevents her from having a 'normal' kind of life. She is presently homeless with a warrant out for her arrest. Like your son, she used to call me constantly with a litany of requests, drama, blame, manipulation and anger.............it was extremely distressing. Over time I developed boundaries, learned to step back, say no, refrain from acting, giving, offering advice, judging, resenting, worrying and hurting. It takes time, but you can detach and learn to accept what it is that you cannot change. You are powerless to enact change in someone who will not get the help he requires. He is an adult. There is nothing you can do.</p><p></p><p>You might start by telling him you cannot do anything for him, he needs to make the changes for himself and that it is painful for you to know every detail when he doesn't heed your advice anyway, so you are going to limit the time spent listening to him. Figure out what you want to do. Then tell him. "You can call me once a week and we can talk for 10 minutes, that is all I am willing to do. I trust that you will find your way." Or whatever it is you are willing to do. The relentless calling to you is exhausting and debilitating. There is nothing you can do, you are powerless. Ask yourself what you are seriously willing to do and what you are not willing to do. Then set boundaries. You cannot save him. </p><p></p><p>This is hard stuff Raylea, get yourself some support and find ways to be kind to yourself, to nurture yourself, to give to yourself. Focus on you now. Take the focus off of your son and place it on YOU. Learn to take very, very good care of yourself. Keep posting, it helps. I'm glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 640089, member: 13542"] Raylea, you've received good advice from the others. I am so sorry you find yourself where you are with your son, it is a difficult and painful place to be. As a support, you may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here, on detachment. It can be helpful information. You may want to contact NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access them online, they have chapters in most major cities. They offer parenting courses which are extremely helpful. I received a lot of good advice and support from them. If you want to go to a therapist, you can contact Social Services in your region, they can usually give you a list of therapists who do sliding scale. You may also benefit from 12 step groups. Even if you are not quite a "fit" they can be of enormous help and support for folks. You may have to dig around a little to find a group that works for you. I found CoDa to be helpful. It's pretty difficult to be in this place alone without any support. It doesn't sound as if you have much support and in order to make the changes necessary and to be able to find our own joy and our own peace, outside support is usually a very good thing to have, often necessary because lets face it, this is pretty devastating for us parents. We need a place to go to vent, cry, get compassion, understanding, support, guidance, information and nurturing. My daughter is about to be 42, suffers from some kind of mental anomaly, she won't get diagnosed or get help, so I don't know what it is, but it is 'something' which prevents her from having a 'normal' kind of life. She is presently homeless with a warrant out for her arrest. Like your son, she used to call me constantly with a litany of requests, drama, blame, manipulation and anger.............it was extremely distressing. Over time I developed boundaries, learned to step back, say no, refrain from acting, giving, offering advice, judging, resenting, worrying and hurting. It takes time, but you can detach and learn to accept what it is that you cannot change. You are powerless to enact change in someone who will not get the help he requires. He is an adult. There is nothing you can do. You might start by telling him you cannot do anything for him, he needs to make the changes for himself and that it is painful for you to know every detail when he doesn't heed your advice anyway, so you are going to limit the time spent listening to him. Figure out what you want to do. Then tell him. "You can call me once a week and we can talk for 10 minutes, that is all I am willing to do. I trust that you will find your way." Or whatever it is you are willing to do. The relentless calling to you is exhausting and debilitating. There is nothing you can do, you are powerless. Ask yourself what you are seriously willing to do and what you are not willing to do. Then set boundaries. You cannot save him. This is hard stuff Raylea, get yourself some support and find ways to be kind to yourself, to nurture yourself, to give to yourself. Focus on you now. Take the focus off of your son and place it on YOU. Learn to take very, very good care of yourself. Keep posting, it helps. I'm glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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My son is about to be homeless...again
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