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My son is out. Again.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704128" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Yes. You are right. He does not accept our thinking about the marijuana. Yes, while he does try some, he does not put as a high priority respect for our rules. And most definitely, yes, he is short-sighted. </p><p></p><p>All of the above, Albatross. He says he does not intend to collect SSI long-term. He says he just needs 2 or 3 more years to stabilize himself. Maybe he is right. But M and I see him without job skills that he can realistically exercise, without a real work ethic, but improving, still disorganized but better, and worst of all--no motivation to set or meet goals. What is magically going to happen in 2 years, to make him capable of working, unless he does something?</p><p></p><p>It is not that he is waiting for other people to do it. He is not lazy (all of the time). He just does not see, or cannot take into account, or will not take into account, or gets anxious when he thinks about--the steps that are needed to be self-sufficient.</p><p></p><p>Actually, I do not think he values self-sufficiency. He much prefers this strange version of dependency that he imposes on us or any other willing, competent and comfortably-off person, that allows it: He will depend upon your good will, eat your food, stay in your place. And in return? He will do what he wants, when he wants, and pay lip service to the idea that he is cooperating, helping out, etc.</p><p></p><p>He gets wounded when he is thrown out by them, but he seems unable or unwilling to make decisions that lead to different results.</p><p></p><p>There may be a cluster of psychological and cognitive factors that contribute to this denial of or unwillingness to face reality. I get that. I mean, he did get the SSI. There probably is. But he is maturing slowly. M sees him growing in strength. He sees my son's will and self-determination as strong and persistent.</p><p></p><p>What he does not like is his manipulation, lying and willingness, actually eagerness, to deceive us to serve his own ends. He wants his cake and to eat it too. And so far there seems to be no dissonance felt or exhibited by him, that he will agree to one thing and blatantly do another, while denying the very thing you see. Gaslighting, really.</p><p></p><p>For insight and judgement, a psychiatrist who evaluated him 3 years ago wrote "very poor." But another psychiatrist who we have known many years, called my son "very self=aware" which to me means insight.</p><p></p><p>Clearly it is not good judgement to smoke up your SSI. But it can be seen to be good thinking to voluntarily commit yourself to a psychiatric ward, to avoid sleeping in the street. A $3000 a night hotel.</p><p></p><p>My son several times has tried to explicitly to lobby to use marijuana here--for me to change my mind. He points to professionals who sue it. And I point to the same professionals who work 50 hours a week, went to university for 14 years and do not need to rely upon anybody to subsidize or house them. I tell him: <em>It's your call. Use it, but don't live here.</em></p><p></p><p><em>How many more times do I have to post that phrase to get it through my head, that he wants his cake and to eat it too.</em></p><p></p><p>He cannot see (apparently) that running out of money every month without food, paying little or no rent--is a problem. I charge him no rent. And more months than not, he has no money to finish the month to buy food.</p><p>In a word, No. My son wants full autonomy in his choices, values, interactions. He sees himself as the driver of his life (going pretty much nowhere, for the last 10 years.) However he sees problems or falling short as externally driven, the responsibility of others, or the effect of unfortunate circumstances.</p><p></p><p>I do not think my son sees himself as failing himself. Nor do I think he feels he is failing me or us. I feel that he thinks we are being difficult, unrealistic, irrational, un-evolved, rigid and demanding.</p><p></p><p>Writing this post, I feel depressed. My son does not like living as a homeless person. He does not like living near the street. He does not like being around problematic people. He likes hard-working, decent people. He likes comfortable, secure and upscale neighborhoods. He has never held himself responsible for creating either one environment or the other. All the rest of us are responsible. My son has run out of enablers. M and I are the last rats on the ship.</p><p></p><p>The last time this happened, I kicked him out, and he did go to residential treatment. There are bills for thousands of dollars. The insurance paid some but not all. The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was his choice. All I had told him was THERAPY or a 12 step group. If you want to go to residential treatment, please verify the coverage and cost, verified in writing. Oh well.</p><p></p><p>So that option is not open to him. He has probably found a couch with some highly problematic people, and for that he has given them half of what remains of his check. And there we go again.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for your post, Albatross. It is always a pleasure to read your comments. And I learn much, too.</p><p></p><p>In the middle of the night I got your joke. About Olga. Funny, Albatross. (I just thought that you might be Russian.) Funny.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704128, member: 18958"] Yes. You are right. He does not accept our thinking about the marijuana. Yes, while he does try some, he does not put as a high priority respect for our rules. And most definitely, yes, he is short-sighted. All of the above, Albatross. He says he does not intend to collect SSI long-term. He says he just needs 2 or 3 more years to stabilize himself. Maybe he is right. But M and I see him without job skills that he can realistically exercise, without a real work ethic, but improving, still disorganized but better, and worst of all--no motivation to set or meet goals. What is magically going to happen in 2 years, to make him capable of working, unless he does something? It is not that he is waiting for other people to do it. He is not lazy (all of the time). He just does not see, or cannot take into account, or will not take into account, or gets anxious when he thinks about--the steps that are needed to be self-sufficient. Actually, I do not think he values self-sufficiency. He much prefers this strange version of dependency that he imposes on us or any other willing, competent and comfortably-off person, that allows it: He will depend upon your good will, eat your food, stay in your place. And in return? He will do what he wants, when he wants, and pay lip service to the idea that he is cooperating, helping out, etc. He gets wounded when he is thrown out by them, but he seems unable or unwilling to make decisions that lead to different results. There may be a cluster of psychological and cognitive factors that contribute to this denial of or unwillingness to face reality. I get that. I mean, he did get the SSI. There probably is. But he is maturing slowly. M sees him growing in strength. He sees my son's will and self-determination as strong and persistent. What he does not like is his manipulation, lying and willingness, actually eagerness, to deceive us to serve his own ends. He wants his cake and to eat it too. And so far there seems to be no dissonance felt or exhibited by him, that he will agree to one thing and blatantly do another, while denying the very thing you see. Gaslighting, really. For insight and judgement, a psychiatrist who evaluated him 3 years ago wrote "very poor." But another psychiatrist who we have known many years, called my son "very self=aware" which to me means insight. Clearly it is not good judgement to smoke up your SSI. But it can be seen to be good thinking to voluntarily commit yourself to a psychiatric ward, to avoid sleeping in the street. A $3000 a night hotel. My son several times has tried to explicitly to lobby to use marijuana here--for me to change my mind. He points to professionals who sue it. And I point to the same professionals who work 50 hours a week, went to university for 14 years and do not need to rely upon anybody to subsidize or house them. I tell him: [I]It's your call. Use it, but don't live here.[/I] [I]How many more times do I have to post that phrase to get it through my head, that he wants his cake and to eat it too.[/I] He cannot see (apparently) that running out of money every month without food, paying little or no rent--is a problem. I charge him no rent. And more months than not, he has no money to finish the month to buy food. In a word, No. My son wants full autonomy in his choices, values, interactions. He sees himself as the driver of his life (going pretty much nowhere, for the last 10 years.) However he sees problems or falling short as externally driven, the responsibility of others, or the effect of unfortunate circumstances. I do not think my son sees himself as failing himself. Nor do I think he feels he is failing me or us. I feel that he thinks we are being difficult, unrealistic, irrational, un-evolved, rigid and demanding. Writing this post, I feel depressed. My son does not like living as a homeless person. He does not like living near the street. He does not like being around problematic people. He likes hard-working, decent people. He likes comfortable, secure and upscale neighborhoods. He has never held himself responsible for creating either one environment or the other. All the rest of us are responsible. My son has run out of enablers. M and I are the last rats on the ship. The last time this happened, I kicked him out, and he did go to residential treatment. There are bills for thousands of dollars. The insurance paid some but not all. The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was his choice. All I had told him was THERAPY or a 12 step group. If you want to go to residential treatment, please verify the coverage and cost, verified in writing. Oh well. So that option is not open to him. He has probably found a couch with some highly problematic people, and for that he has given them half of what remains of his check. And there we go again. Thank you for your post, Albatross. It is always a pleasure to read your comments. And I learn much, too. In the middle of the night I got your joke. About Olga. Funny, Albatross. (I just thought that you might be Russian.) Funny. [/QUOTE]
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