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My son left. I asked him to.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 688111" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Copa, this stuff is hard, I'm so sorry you have had to make this difficult choice. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I agree. </p><p></p><p>It all gets "wobbly" because we love our kids and we don't want their choices, which often put them in danger (from our point of view), to harm them..... we want to protect them.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Each of us is different and has a different adult child, we all have to meet our eyes in the mirror and feel okay about our choices. I don't believe there is a one size fits all in regard to our kids. Comparing our choice to another is not productive, what is right for you may not be right for another. I agree with the choice you made. Under the circumstances you've described, I believe the choice you made is the right choice for you AND for your son. We all have to deal with the consequences of our behavior, your son is not an exception. Lying is not acceptable. Not keeping his word is not acceptable. </p><p></p><p>He has not returned the key to your home. That would concern me. If his intention is to return tonight, then that is simply more of the same, lying and doing what he wants, regardless of what you asked of him. I think if it were me, I would change the locks. If it were a tenant who did not return the keys, changing the locks would be the standard response. He did not keep his word.</p><p></p><p>For me, each step of the way that I demanded my daughter to show up and respect my wishes when it came to her connection to MY life, she rose to the occasion, she improved and our relationship got better. It got better in equal proportion to the demands I made for her to show up in a way that was respectful to me. She may be the same out in the world with others, and that is HER choice. But in dealings with me, it had to be my way. I demand that level of respect from everyone around me, I don't accept lying or manipulation, or not keeping agreements, why would I except that from her?</p><p></p><p>None of this is easy Copa, we all question ourselves, our motives, our choices, our thinking. We're put in situations other parents with typical kids never have to deal with. You always do your best and your love for your son is apparent. He knows how much you love him. He has to love himself enough to make choices that reflect that self love. In my opinion, you are helping him do that. No one feels good about lying and not keeping our word.......not allowing him to respond that way with you, is healthy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 688111, member: 13542"] Copa, this stuff is hard, I'm so sorry you have had to make this difficult choice. I agree. It all gets "wobbly" because we love our kids and we don't want their choices, which often put them in danger (from our point of view), to harm them..... we want to protect them. Each of us is different and has a different adult child, we all have to meet our eyes in the mirror and feel okay about our choices. I don't believe there is a one size fits all in regard to our kids. Comparing our choice to another is not productive, what is right for you may not be right for another. I agree with the choice you made. Under the circumstances you've described, I believe the choice you made is the right choice for you AND for your son. We all have to deal with the consequences of our behavior, your son is not an exception. Lying is not acceptable. Not keeping his word is not acceptable. He has not returned the key to your home. That would concern me. If his intention is to return tonight, then that is simply more of the same, lying and doing what he wants, regardless of what you asked of him. I think if it were me, I would change the locks. If it were a tenant who did not return the keys, changing the locks would be the standard response. He did not keep his word. For me, each step of the way that I demanded my daughter to show up and respect my wishes when it came to her connection to MY life, she rose to the occasion, she improved and our relationship got better. It got better in equal proportion to the demands I made for her to show up in a way that was respectful to me. She may be the same out in the world with others, and that is HER choice. But in dealings with me, it had to be my way. I demand that level of respect from everyone around me, I don't accept lying or manipulation, or not keeping agreements, why would I except that from her? None of this is easy Copa, we all question ourselves, our motives, our choices, our thinking. We're put in situations other parents with typical kids never have to deal with. You always do your best and your love for your son is apparent. He knows how much you love him. He has to love himself enough to make choices that reflect that self love. In my opinion, you are helping him do that. No one feels good about lying and not keeping our word.......not allowing him to respond that way with you, is healthy. [/QUOTE]
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