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Substance Abuse
My son relapsed
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 762565" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>The man I lived with for many years is an alcoholic. He was completely sober for 19 years. He had quit drinking completely without the help of any program because he chose to. He returned to drinking and then again stopped, cold turkey, without any help, when he chose to stop. He is somebody with a very strong will. When he wanted to drink, he drank. When he wanted to stop, he stopped and stayed stopped. </p><p></p><p>I have urged my son to go to programs several times, and he complied while there, then left. He never bought in. He has gotten worse and worse, and our relationship has gotten to the point where I can't bear much of any interaction with him, and he feels the same about me. I can't bear who he is and how he lives. He can't tolerate the intensity of how much I care and my suffering. It looks almost like we don't love each other anymore. All of my worst fears have come true. The thing I fought against all of these years has come to be far worse. I could have never ever imagined what our life together has become. </p><p></p><p>Except guess what? 99.9 percent of the time I am okay. There are deep valleys of anguish but I recognize most of the time that he has his life and I have mine. I can be okay and I am. The sad reality is that I have erected boundaries in my head and in my life. The change has come because I accept that I am not him, and he is not me. I know that this sounds self-evident, but on a psychic level, we were merged. If we are anymore, it</p><p>is way, way less. </p><p></p><p>It is a hard, hard thing to say no to a vulnerable child, even when an adult. in a sense, this is what this entire forum is about. Empowering mainly mothers to find the muscle inside of them to begin to say No and yield the responsibility and the respect and autonomy to their children, to decide their own lives, and to recognize that this is still love. </p><p></p><p>In my mind, this is what RN is writing about in this thread. Of course, her son is going to decide how he lives his life. He will decide what kinds of limits and support and treatment he requires. He, not RN, will decide whether or not alcohol or marijuana can co-exist with his sobriety from pills. </p><p></p><p>But the decisive action here is by RN, to empower her son, and free herself from the bondage of responsibility to a young man who is no longer a child, but still feels he needs and wants parental care, to find those strengths in himself. Or not. This is what this moment is about. I have lived this. I still do. And it is the hardest thing I've done in my life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 762565, member: 18958"] The man I lived with for many years is an alcoholic. He was completely sober for 19 years. He had quit drinking completely without the help of any program because he chose to. He returned to drinking and then again stopped, cold turkey, without any help, when he chose to stop. He is somebody with a very strong will. When he wanted to drink, he drank. When he wanted to stop, he stopped and stayed stopped. I have urged my son to go to programs several times, and he complied while there, then left. He never bought in. He has gotten worse and worse, and our relationship has gotten to the point where I can't bear much of any interaction with him, and he feels the same about me. I can't bear who he is and how he lives. He can't tolerate the intensity of how much I care and my suffering. It looks almost like we don't love each other anymore. All of my worst fears have come true. The thing I fought against all of these years has come to be far worse. I could have never ever imagined what our life together has become. Except guess what? 99.9 percent of the time I am okay. There are deep valleys of anguish but I recognize most of the time that he has his life and I have mine. I can be okay and I am. The sad reality is that I have erected boundaries in my head and in my life. The change has come because I accept that I am not him, and he is not me. I know that this sounds self-evident, but on a psychic level, we were merged. If we are anymore, it is way, way less. It is a hard, hard thing to say no to a vulnerable child, even when an adult. in a sense, this is what this entire forum is about. Empowering mainly mothers to find the muscle inside of them to begin to say No and yield the responsibility and the respect and autonomy to their children, to decide their own lives, and to recognize that this is still love. In my mind, this is what RN is writing about in this thread. Of course, her son is going to decide how he lives his life. He will decide what kinds of limits and support and treatment he requires. He, not RN, will decide whether or not alcohol or marijuana can co-exist with his sobriety from pills. But the decisive action here is by RN, to empower her son, and free herself from the bondage of responsibility to a young man who is no longer a child, but still feels he needs and wants parental care, to find those strengths in himself. Or not. This is what this moment is about. I have lived this. I still do. And it is the hardest thing I've done in my life. [/QUOTE]
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