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My story. The heartbreak.
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 713722" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Dearest Irish, Welcome, I am so sorry for your heartache and need to be here. The parents that post on CD know all too well, the emotions and challenges you have gone through and are experiencing, myself included. It <em>is</em> the hardest thing to do, all we ever hoped and dreamed for is that our children would grow into responsible adults. The end of the story is not yet written, and there is always hope that these adult children of ours may one day see the light and grow to their full potential.</p><p>There are similarities in your story that are repeated throughout the posts on CD. The blame, and guilt, and what ifs.</p><p>Please do not blame yourself. That is a heavy burden to bear that does not rest on your shoulders.</p><p> I, too had my daughter leave at 18. Love her with all of my heart, but she refused to follow the rules of our home and took advantage of us at every turn. I had to see it for what it was, that she had essentially "kicked" herself out by her actions and there truly was no alternative. It has been years since and she is still out there trying to find her way.</p><p> Did I make mistakes in raising her? Of course I did! There is no such thing as a perfect parent, or perfect life. We all have our challenges and looking back, may have handled things differently with the knowledge we have now.</p><p>The fact is that kids grow up and make their own choices. When their choices effect our households and wreak havoc, lying, stealing, utter disregard and disrespect for us not only as parents, but as people, what can we do?</p><p>It is an impossible situation to live with in our homes.</p><p> Unacceptable.</p><p>These adult kids know how to yank at our hearts and turn us inside out, blame switching and manipulating our emotions to a point where we can't think straight.</p><p>They work on our guilt ravaged hearts to get us into a mindset that we are the cause of their difficulties, so we need to fix it, to help them.</p><p>When we fall into that trap, we are tangled up in a web of desperation.</p><p>It is all so complicated, but yet at the same time, simple.</p><p>My problem was that I kept seeing my two wayward daughters as children, remembering the times when they were younger, and thinking that it was my job to "fix" them, to rescue them from the choices they made.</p><p> They have told me several times that they are the way they are <em>because</em> of me.</p><p> I bought into that for awhile.</p><p>In reality, it was a twisted way to keep me focusing on my parenting mistakes, take responsibility for their choices, and think that it was my duty to help them.</p><p></p><p> <em><strong>They didn't want help. </strong></em></p><p></p><p>They wanted to continue to live as is, partying and making bad choices, with nary a thought about the grief and utter craziness they caused our household.</p><p>We got swept into the quicksand along with them for years, our lives entangled in the drama and desperation of the consequences of their choices.</p><p>They are <em>our</em> children, but they are <em>not children,</em> they are adults.</p><p></p><p>They have to learn to make better choices.</p><p></p><p>I had to learn after many years that that just does not happen when they are in my home.</p><p>It becomes the same ole, same ole.</p><p>I had to change my way of thinking and reacting.</p><p></p><p>For years I would allow my two back into my home, thinking that "This time will be different".</p><p>It wasn't.</p><p></p><p>I have learned to say no.</p><p>No to that first gut reaction to opening that door.</p><p>It doesn't work.</p><p>I had to start standing up for myself, and not be the "rug" they want me to be.</p><p>It's not easy.</p><p><em>But, the alternative of having them live in my home is unacceptable, not only for me, but for them.</em></p><p>They don't recognize the need to make better choices when they are in my home.</p><p> They continue as is, and blame me for it!</p><p>"Nothing changes, if nothing changes."</p><p></p><p> I thought my love would bring change for them.</p><p><em><strong>I had to realize that I couldn't change their life course. </strong></em></p><p><em>They have to want change for themselves. </em></p><p><em>I have no control of that.</em></p><p>The only control I have, is over myself.</p><p><em><strong>I had to change my way of thinking and dealing with this situation.</strong></em></p><p>Not easy to pull up and out of patterns.</p><p>Even as I write here, I am reminding myself. not to fall into the same pattern.</p><p></p><p>I have learned that love says no.</p><p></p><p>I understand now, after many years of opening that revolving door, that having them live in my home doesn't <em>help</em> them.</p><p></p><p>It still isn't easy.</p><p></p><p>Posting here and reading others stories has helped tremendously. I found that giving my two over, as well as my desperation, to a higher power has helped relieve the many emotions that churn within.</p><p>Finding ways to build yourself up is important, books, videos, support groups, counseling.</p><p></p><p>Switch focus towards working on you, because that is where change begins.</p><p></p><p>I feel that the best thing we can do for our challenged adult children is lead by example, strengthen ourselves, work towards reaching our own potential and joy in our lives.</p><p></p><p>You will find help and comfort here on CD. Posting helps to work through your feelings. There are many wise parents who will share their stories and advice.</p><p>This is not a "one size fits all" situation. We are not experts, just battle weary parents who have been on this journey, at different points on the path.</p><p>Keep posting and sharing your heart. It helps to vent and reach out and work your way through this.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 713722, member: 19522"] Dearest Irish, Welcome, I am so sorry for your heartache and need to be here. The parents that post on CD know all too well, the emotions and challenges you have gone through and are experiencing, myself included. It [I]is[/I] the hardest thing to do, all we ever hoped and dreamed for is that our children would grow into responsible adults. The end of the story is not yet written, and there is always hope that these adult children of ours may one day see the light and grow to their full potential. There are similarities in your story that are repeated throughout the posts on CD. The blame, and guilt, and what ifs. Please do not blame yourself. That is a heavy burden to bear that does not rest on your shoulders. I, too had my daughter leave at 18. Love her with all of my heart, but she refused to follow the rules of our home and took advantage of us at every turn. I had to see it for what it was, that she had essentially "kicked" herself out by her actions and there truly was no alternative. It has been years since and she is still out there trying to find her way. Did I make mistakes in raising her? Of course I did! There is no such thing as a perfect parent, or perfect life. We all have our challenges and looking back, may have handled things differently with the knowledge we have now. The fact is that kids grow up and make their own choices. When their choices effect our households and wreak havoc, lying, stealing, utter disregard and disrespect for us not only as parents, but as people, what can we do? It is an impossible situation to live with in our homes. Unacceptable. These adult kids know how to yank at our hearts and turn us inside out, blame switching and manipulating our emotions to a point where we can't think straight. They work on our guilt ravaged hearts to get us into a mindset that we are the cause of their difficulties, so we need to fix it, to help them. When we fall into that trap, we are tangled up in a web of desperation. It is all so complicated, but yet at the same time, simple. My problem was that I kept seeing my two wayward daughters as children, remembering the times when they were younger, and thinking that it was my job to "fix" them, to rescue them from the choices they made. They have told me several times that they are the way they are [I]because[/I] of me. I bought into that for awhile. In reality, it was a twisted way to keep me focusing on my parenting mistakes, take responsibility for their choices, and think that it was my duty to help them. [I][B]They didn't want help. [/B][/I] They wanted to continue to live as is, partying and making bad choices, with nary a thought about the grief and utter craziness they caused our household. We got swept into the quicksand along with them for years, our lives entangled in the drama and desperation of the consequences of their choices. They are [I]our[/I] children, but they are [I]not children,[/I] they are adults. They have to learn to make better choices. I had to learn after many years that that just does not happen when they are in my home. It becomes the same ole, same ole. I had to change my way of thinking and reacting. For years I would allow my two back into my home, thinking that "This time will be different". It wasn't. I have learned to say no. No to that first gut reaction to opening that door. It doesn't work. I had to start standing up for myself, and not be the "rug" they want me to be. It's not easy. [I]But, the alternative of having them live in my home is unacceptable, not only for me, but for them.[/I] They don't recognize the need to make better choices when they are in my home. They continue as is, and blame me for it! "Nothing changes, if nothing changes." I thought my love would bring change for them. [I][B]I had to realize that I couldn't change their life course. [/B] They have to want change for themselves. I have no control of that.[/I] The only control I have, is over myself. [I][B]I had to change my way of thinking and dealing with this situation.[/B][/I] Not easy to pull up and out of patterns. Even as I write here, I am reminding myself. not to fall into the same pattern. I have learned that love says no. I understand now, after many years of opening that revolving door, that having them live in my home doesn't [I]help[/I] them. It still isn't easy. Posting here and reading others stories has helped tremendously. I found that giving my two over, as well as my desperation, to a higher power has helped relieve the many emotions that churn within. Finding ways to build yourself up is important, books, videos, support groups, counseling. Switch focus towards working on you, because that is where change begins. I feel that the best thing we can do for our challenged adult children is lead by example, strengthen ourselves, work towards reaching our own potential and joy in our lives. You will find help and comfort here on CD. Posting helps to work through your feelings. There are many wise parents who will share their stories and advice. This is not a "one size fits all" situation. We are not experts, just battle weary parents who have been on this journey, at different points on the path. Keep posting and sharing your heart. It helps to vent and reach out and work your way through this. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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