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My teen is sullen and disgusted with me...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 216495" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Hang in there, I think the more frequent therapy might be a good idea. Your son sounds like he just totally does not get it.</p><p></p><p>I hope you're bouncing the blame right back off your own skin - it doesn't belong with you. You wouldn't have had to call the police if he had done nothing wrong. And if he HAD done nothing wrong, then he would have no problems even after you called the police. YOU would have the problems.</p><p></p><p>What he's saying - it's like a burglar blaming the house owner for getting bitten by the guard dog. If the burglar hadn't broken in to begin with, he wouldn't have been where the dog could bite him!</p><p></p><p>However, teens are very selfish (it's a rule, I think) and blaming is something they do.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes we need to all take a step back and begin to teach our kids - this isn't always a blame issue. Sometimes it just IS.</p><p></p><p>If you break a leg by slipping on an icy path, does it make the leg heal faster when you find out who is to blame? And does cleaning the ice off the path make the leg heal?</p><p></p><p>We often set this in place as parents, and when someone blames us, we tend to try to re-focus the blame elsewhere. Sometimes we can make better change by saying, "This isn't about blame. Blame is irrelevant. We need to know what to do about where we are now."</p><p></p><p>If your son wants you to leave (or wants to leave himself) then he needs to prepare. A suggestion - offer to help him prepare for his independent life. Encourage him to make his plans, to look around for his own apartment, to develop the skills he is going to need. Of course, part of this is doing his own washing, learning to budget, planning a meal from shopping through to cooking, serving and cleaning up afterwards. Does he complain about your cooking or the meals you prepare? Then this is the ideal opportunity to say (politely, not with any sarcasm or condescendion no matter how tempting), "OK, show me how you can improve on this. Teach me how to do it better."</p><p></p><p>My kids might complain about tuna casserole three nights a week and say they want something tastier. Example: easy child saying, "I am fed up with tuna casserole. I want a full seafood platter with lobster."</p><p>The logical answer is, "Sure, I'd like that too. I'd LOVE it. But I serve tuna casserole because I can afford it. If I served seafood platter, it would mean other bills wouldn't be getting paid. I've had to make choices. But if you want to do better - my budget for tuna casserole is $X. See what you can come up with that fits within that budget. It has to meet (or better) the same nutritional standards and feed the same number of people (or more). I'm open to new ideas, sometimes I get so tired trying to think of new things to serve that fit these requirements so you don't get bored. This could be a way for you to have what you want."</p><p></p><p>My mother allowed me to do this when I was in my early teens - at a school cooking class we had made curried eggs. I HATED curry at the time and had heard other classes complain that the curry in this class was too hot. So our group cheated on the recipe and added a lot less curry powder. And it tasted great! Ours was the only group that ate and enjoyed their food, other kids all wanted a taste. The teachers were suspicious that our curry sauce was paler, but the fact we happily ate it was evidence that whatever we had done in fudging the recipe needed to be overlooked.</p><p></p><p>So I went home and asked my mother to let me prepare dinner - curried eggs. She talked it over with me and gave permission because</p><p></p><p>1) It was a protein meal, with some carbs</p><p></p><p>2) It was nourishing and filling</p><p></p><p>3) It was inexpensive, we could make enough to feed everybody for the same or less than the meal she would have prepared instead.</p><p></p><p>The final outcome - it had to pass the taste test of everybody eating it. That was when I had to face my siblings and put up with any of their complaints.</p><p></p><p>Ropefree, something I recommend people try when our kids get to the "I want my independence and I want it NOW!" stage is to make it clear that you are working towards the same goal. I changed my attitude to my older kids and treated them as flatmates instead of children. If you think about how you would interact with an adult sharing the same accommodation, it IS different to how we treat our kids. Often we don't think as carefully as we should, when we snarl at our kids for leaving clothes lying around on the floor. We also pick up after them far more than we would after a flatmate. With flatmates, we share the cooking, the cleaning and the laundry. A flatmate who won't pull their weight gets less help in other areas too.</p><p></p><p>And one of the most important things we put in place with our kids - communication, even if only about where we are going and when we'll be home. Flatmates need to do this for catering purposes. "I won't be home for dinner tonight" is an important message to whoever is going to cook. If the person who isn't going to be home IS the person doing the cooking, then it's only courtesy for the other flatmates to know ahead of time so they can plan.</p><p></p><p>The kids see husband & I telling each other where we will be and when we'll be home. We say goodbye when we leave, we say hello when we get back in.</p><p>If I'm ducking down to the shops for five minutes, I tell difficult child 3. "I'm just going to the shop, I'll be back in fifteen minutes."</p><p>With flatmates, this gives the opportunity to share the load. "While you're at the shop can you buy me some more pencils? The dog chewed the last lot and I'm in the middle of a project," someone might say. Or, "Can you get more spaghetti? I ate the last of it for lunch."</p><p></p><p>It's a courtesy thing, not a "I'm keeping track of your movements" thing. Kids really resent the inquisitions over where they're going or where they've been, but if we tell THEM about US, they soon get to rely on the information, even if they roll their eyes and say, "Now, why would I want to know?"</p><p></p><p>We found a big change in each of our three older kids as we moved them from dependent child to cooperative flatmate status. The "cooperative" bit comes afterwards, we have to make the first move and set the example by our behaviour toward them. If we don't, we have no way to complain about them, if they could make the same complaint about us. At least if we have started to set the example, we can say we've begun the process and are putting in some effort.</p><p></p><p>It's a start.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there, he sounds very snotty right now.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 216495, member: 1991"] Hang in there, I think the more frequent therapy might be a good idea. Your son sounds like he just totally does not get it. I hope you're bouncing the blame right back off your own skin - it doesn't belong with you. You wouldn't have had to call the police if he had done nothing wrong. And if he HAD done nothing wrong, then he would have no problems even after you called the police. YOU would have the problems. What he's saying - it's like a burglar blaming the house owner for getting bitten by the guard dog. If the burglar hadn't broken in to begin with, he wouldn't have been where the dog could bite him! However, teens are very selfish (it's a rule, I think) and blaming is something they do. Sometimes we need to all take a step back and begin to teach our kids - this isn't always a blame issue. Sometimes it just IS. If you break a leg by slipping on an icy path, does it make the leg heal faster when you find out who is to blame? And does cleaning the ice off the path make the leg heal? We often set this in place as parents, and when someone blames us, we tend to try to re-focus the blame elsewhere. Sometimes we can make better change by saying, "This isn't about blame. Blame is irrelevant. We need to know what to do about where we are now." If your son wants you to leave (or wants to leave himself) then he needs to prepare. A suggestion - offer to help him prepare for his independent life. Encourage him to make his plans, to look around for his own apartment, to develop the skills he is going to need. Of course, part of this is doing his own washing, learning to budget, planning a meal from shopping through to cooking, serving and cleaning up afterwards. Does he complain about your cooking or the meals you prepare? Then this is the ideal opportunity to say (politely, not with any sarcasm or condescendion no matter how tempting), "OK, show me how you can improve on this. Teach me how to do it better." My kids might complain about tuna casserole three nights a week and say they want something tastier. Example: easy child saying, "I am fed up with tuna casserole. I want a full seafood platter with lobster." The logical answer is, "Sure, I'd like that too. I'd LOVE it. But I serve tuna casserole because I can afford it. If I served seafood platter, it would mean other bills wouldn't be getting paid. I've had to make choices. But if you want to do better - my budget for tuna casserole is $X. See what you can come up with that fits within that budget. It has to meet (or better) the same nutritional standards and feed the same number of people (or more). I'm open to new ideas, sometimes I get so tired trying to think of new things to serve that fit these requirements so you don't get bored. This could be a way for you to have what you want." My mother allowed me to do this when I was in my early teens - at a school cooking class we had made curried eggs. I HATED curry at the time and had heard other classes complain that the curry in this class was too hot. So our group cheated on the recipe and added a lot less curry powder. And it tasted great! Ours was the only group that ate and enjoyed their food, other kids all wanted a taste. The teachers were suspicious that our curry sauce was paler, but the fact we happily ate it was evidence that whatever we had done in fudging the recipe needed to be overlooked. So I went home and asked my mother to let me prepare dinner - curried eggs. She talked it over with me and gave permission because 1) It was a protein meal, with some carbs 2) It was nourishing and filling 3) It was inexpensive, we could make enough to feed everybody for the same or less than the meal she would have prepared instead. The final outcome - it had to pass the taste test of everybody eating it. That was when I had to face my siblings and put up with any of their complaints. Ropefree, something I recommend people try when our kids get to the "I want my independence and I want it NOW!" stage is to make it clear that you are working towards the same goal. I changed my attitude to my older kids and treated them as flatmates instead of children. If you think about how you would interact with an adult sharing the same accommodation, it IS different to how we treat our kids. Often we don't think as carefully as we should, when we snarl at our kids for leaving clothes lying around on the floor. We also pick up after them far more than we would after a flatmate. With flatmates, we share the cooking, the cleaning and the laundry. A flatmate who won't pull their weight gets less help in other areas too. And one of the most important things we put in place with our kids - communication, even if only about where we are going and when we'll be home. Flatmates need to do this for catering purposes. "I won't be home for dinner tonight" is an important message to whoever is going to cook. If the person who isn't going to be home IS the person doing the cooking, then it's only courtesy for the other flatmates to know ahead of time so they can plan. The kids see husband & I telling each other where we will be and when we'll be home. We say goodbye when we leave, we say hello when we get back in. If I'm ducking down to the shops for five minutes, I tell difficult child 3. "I'm just going to the shop, I'll be back in fifteen minutes." With flatmates, this gives the opportunity to share the load. "While you're at the shop can you buy me some more pencils? The dog chewed the last lot and I'm in the middle of a project," someone might say. Or, "Can you get more spaghetti? I ate the last of it for lunch." It's a courtesy thing, not a "I'm keeping track of your movements" thing. Kids really resent the inquisitions over where they're going or where they've been, but if we tell THEM about US, they soon get to rely on the information, even if they roll their eyes and say, "Now, why would I want to know?" We found a big change in each of our three older kids as we moved them from dependent child to cooperative flatmate status. The "cooperative" bit comes afterwards, we have to make the first move and set the example by our behaviour toward them. If we don't, we have no way to complain about them, if they could make the same complaint about us. At least if we have started to set the example, we can say we've begun the process and are putting in some effort. It's a start. Hang in there, he sounds very snotty right now. Marg [/QUOTE]
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