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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 617110" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Welcome, greenstockings. I know the pain that brought you to us. I am sorry this is happening, to any of us. I remember being so focused on helping my kids that events in my own life went sort of fuzzy around the edges. I lived like that, with everything but the pain surrounding issues with my kids a numbing, second-tier value, for something like twenty years. </p><p></p><p>My kids are both nearing forty, now. I do love them, oh so much. But loving them wasn't working. I tried so hard to learn what detachment was, what it meant, what it looked like, how it felt. During all that time when I just wasn't able to do the harsh things detachment seemed to require, I was understanding. I was kind. I was passing out money and putting up with such inappropriate behavior I can't even believe it, looking back on it, now.</p><p></p><p>It is almost like our kids will push and push us, greenstockings, until we finally stand up for ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Then, there were some posts, here on the site, from parents who had successfully detached. <u>And not only did the parent find his or her life much improved, but the parent's detachment skills seemed to have helped the child, as well.</u></p><p></p><p>So I was like, on that detachment bandwagon the next day.</p><p></p><p>I am in the midst of it. So far? I am stronger. The soft-focus on my own life has changed. I am more present in my life, more aware of my own hopes and expectations and feelings, than I have been for so many years. As I continue to post here, and to read the posts of other successfully detaching parents, I find that my initial reasons for putting detachment behaviors into effect ~ trying something, anything, to help the kids ~ have become less important. I understand in a new way that teaching my kids to consider themselves king of the world was not a good thing. It weakened them, left them feeling entitled, found them looking for excuses instead of working toward solutions. As I separate from them, I expect more from them, and I expect them to do it on their own, and to hurry up about it, too.</p><p></p><p>If I am upset with anyone in this whole mess?</p><p></p><p>It's my kids, for once.</p><p></p><p>Who in the world did they think they were?</p><p></p><p>And that is where you are right now with your son, Greenstockings. </p><p></p><p>Who in the world does he think he is, doing these things? He surely knows better. He chose to do whatever he did, anyway. He knew it would hurt you.</p><p></p><p>He did it, anyway.</p><p></p><p>It seems to me that the best way to help our kids IS to detach, is to put them out, is to demand more of and for them. We help them best by modeling healthy boundaries and behaviors. How I missed that for all these years, I don't know. I think I just felt so guilty that the kids' lives were not what we had planned. But here is the thing: I did not do that. Neither did you. You are grieving more and working harder right now than either of your sons is.</p><p></p><p>You will come out the other side of this dark place too, greenstockings. However you decide to handle it, we will support you. We have all had to go through all the steps to get to a better place in our relationships with our kids. </p><p></p><p>I am not saying that what has happened is our fault. I am saying the kids made bad choices, that they know better, and that we need to hold them accountable if we expect them to get better.</p><p></p><p>I don't mean to sound harsh. I know how confused you are right now, how hurtful this whole thing is. We are here because we want to help other parents who find themselves in the very places we fought so hard to get out of with our own kids.</p><p></p><p>It might take a little while? But you will get there too, greenstockings.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 617110, member: 17461"] Welcome, greenstockings. I know the pain that brought you to us. I am sorry this is happening, to any of us. I remember being so focused on helping my kids that events in my own life went sort of fuzzy around the edges. I lived like that, with everything but the pain surrounding issues with my kids a numbing, second-tier value, for something like twenty years. My kids are both nearing forty, now. I do love them, oh so much. But loving them wasn't working. I tried so hard to learn what detachment was, what it meant, what it looked like, how it felt. During all that time when I just wasn't able to do the harsh things detachment seemed to require, I was understanding. I was kind. I was passing out money and putting up with such inappropriate behavior I can't even believe it, looking back on it, now. It is almost like our kids will push and push us, greenstockings, until we finally stand up for ourselves. Then, there were some posts, here on the site, from parents who had successfully detached. [U]And not only did the parent find his or her life much improved, but the parent's detachment skills seemed to have helped the child, as well.[/U] So I was like, on that detachment bandwagon the next day. I am in the midst of it. So far? I am stronger. The soft-focus on my own life has changed. I am more present in my life, more aware of my own hopes and expectations and feelings, than I have been for so many years. As I continue to post here, and to read the posts of other successfully detaching parents, I find that my initial reasons for putting detachment behaviors into effect ~ trying something, anything, to help the kids ~ have become less important. I understand in a new way that teaching my kids to consider themselves king of the world was not a good thing. It weakened them, left them feeling entitled, found them looking for excuses instead of working toward solutions. As I separate from them, I expect more from them, and I expect them to do it on their own, and to hurry up about it, too. If I am upset with anyone in this whole mess? It's my kids, for once. Who in the world did they think they were? And that is where you are right now with your son, Greenstockings. Who in the world does he think he is, doing these things? He surely knows better. He chose to do whatever he did, anyway. He knew it would hurt you. He did it, anyway. It seems to me that the best way to help our kids IS to detach, is to put them out, is to demand more of and for them. We help them best by modeling healthy boundaries and behaviors. How I missed that for all these years, I don't know. I think I just felt so guilty that the kids' lives were not what we had planned. But here is the thing: I did not do that. Neither did you. You are grieving more and working harder right now than either of your sons is. You will come out the other side of this dark place too, greenstockings. However you decide to handle it, we will support you. We have all had to go through all the steps to get to a better place in our relationships with our kids. I am not saying that what has happened is our fault. I am saying the kids made bad choices, that they know better, and that we need to hold them accountable if we expect them to get better. I don't mean to sound harsh. I know how confused you are right now, how hurtful this whole thing is. We are here because we want to help other parents who find themselves in the very places we fought so hard to get out of with our own kids. It might take a little while? But you will get there too, greenstockings. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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