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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 617187" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Hi </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p> </p><p>I was just thinking that you might get away for a little bit, try to get some perspective. Is there a friend you could visit? (Without telling her the real reason ~ this would be a day or two for you to remember what it is like to be just you, cherished and enjoyed by yourself, for yourself, without any mention of your boys.) If not, maybe you could take a weekend away, just treating yourself to dinner, reading a great book, journaling, reading and posting here, thinking what to do next. Before you go, have in mind a plan for what you will do (call the police and press charges against everyone in sight) if the boys party at your house. If you would like to practice your beginning detachment skills, tell them what you will do re: calling in the Law on them if there is one thing out of place and the walk isn't shoveled when you get back.</p><p></p><p>That is how it is supposed to be. Our kids are <u>supposed</u> to be a little afraid of us.</p><p></p><p>I never wanted my kids to fear me. I lived my life determined not to be my mother. So, you could say we both succeeded admirably in our goals of not doing what was done to us ~ so admirably in fact, that we need to re-establish a certain amount of fear. (Respect is the term we are looking for, here. Right?) </p><p></p><p>Other than continuing to read here, greenstockings, I don't think there is anything you have to do. Change will happen for you over time, just like it (finally) did for me. It isn't that we were inattentive or neglectful mothers. The problem can be that we were over-attentive, over-present; that we took our happiness from making our families happy. I have noticed that those moms who are so strong and capable, and whose kids never seem to do anything wrong...those moms were selfish moms. Their kids were crazy little addendums to their lives, instead of the redemptive factor, the primary value, the vehicle of salvation.</p><p></p><p>When I think about my abuser now...that is the sin I cannot forgive. That I had been so hurt that, though I put everything I knew into my parenting ~ into my life, really ~ it was still the all-powerful abuser I was interacting with, the abuser I was defying, the abuser I was running away from and acting against.</p><p></p><p>My kids deserved more. <u>I deserved more, and I'm claiming that right, now.</u> They deserved a mom who was actually in her own life. A mom who had rights, who made demands, who was real on every level, not some perfect little shell of a mom who could never be strong enough to trust.</p><p> </p><p>That's where we are trying to get to, greenstockings. (That is where I am trying to get to. I see everything through my own story. That is part of the value of this site. Each of us tells her own story. We take what applies and leave the rest.) </p><p></p><p>Now that I can finally see my story, that is.</p><p></p><p>:O) </p><p></p><p>Hooray for me!</p><p></p><p>We are trying to be more like those moms. Easy, self-centered, happy people who teach their kids to be easy, self-centered, happy people.</p><p></p><p>Enjoying our kids for who they are, not for how perfect they are. (It occurs to me that raising perfect kids would have validated my life ~ would have given purpose to my having lived, defying my abuser's intent. And now that I know better, even this late in the day, I am going to change that pattern just as determinedly as, believing it was the right way, I created it. Turns out we are incredibly stronger than we knew, all along. Good. Then we will be able to change the story for our families, even this late in the day.) </p><p></p><p>And when the kids do something crummy (as every human being does, even us, from time to time) then we are going to say so and move on. The kids are supposed to respect us and take care of business, not come crying to us.</p><p></p><p>We (you) are going to tell your boys this is a new day. You don't have to be nasty. This is for their own good. We don't want sons dependent on mama. We want strong man-sons. What we've been doing hasn't worked. Detachment <u>can</u> work, does change the dynamic. Again, there really is nothing you need to do right now. Thinking differently, reading here, posting when you can, will create the change that needs to happen, next.</p><p></p><p>My goodness but I'm full of...advice, this morning.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 617187, member: 17461"] Hi :O) I was just thinking that you might get away for a little bit, try to get some perspective. Is there a friend you could visit? (Without telling her the real reason ~ this would be a day or two for you to remember what it is like to be just you, cherished and enjoyed by yourself, for yourself, without any mention of your boys.) If not, maybe you could take a weekend away, just treating yourself to dinner, reading a great book, journaling, reading and posting here, thinking what to do next. Before you go, have in mind a plan for what you will do (call the police and press charges against everyone in sight) if the boys party at your house. If you would like to practice your beginning detachment skills, tell them what you will do re: calling in the Law on them if there is one thing out of place and the walk isn't shoveled when you get back. That is how it is supposed to be. Our kids are [U]supposed[/U] to be a little afraid of us. I never wanted my kids to fear me. I lived my life determined not to be my mother. So, you could say we both succeeded admirably in our goals of not doing what was done to us ~ so admirably in fact, that we need to re-establish a certain amount of fear. (Respect is the term we are looking for, here. Right?) Other than continuing to read here, greenstockings, I don't think there is anything you have to do. Change will happen for you over time, just like it (finally) did for me. It isn't that we were inattentive or neglectful mothers. The problem can be that we were over-attentive, over-present; that we took our happiness from making our families happy. I have noticed that those moms who are so strong and capable, and whose kids never seem to do anything wrong...those moms were selfish moms. Their kids were crazy little addendums to their lives, instead of the redemptive factor, the primary value, the vehicle of salvation. When I think about my abuser now...that is the sin I cannot forgive. That I had been so hurt that, though I put everything I knew into my parenting ~ into my life, really ~ it was still the all-powerful abuser I was interacting with, the abuser I was defying, the abuser I was running away from and acting against. My kids deserved more. [U]I deserved more, and I'm claiming that right, now.[/U] They deserved a mom who was actually in her own life. A mom who had rights, who made demands, who was real on every level, not some perfect little shell of a mom who could never be strong enough to trust. That's where we are trying to get to, greenstockings. (That is where I am trying to get to. I see everything through my own story. That is part of the value of this site. Each of us tells her own story. We take what applies and leave the rest.) Now that I can finally see my story, that is. :O) Hooray for me! We are trying to be more like those moms. Easy, self-centered, happy people who teach their kids to be easy, self-centered, happy people. Enjoying our kids for who they are, not for how perfect they are. (It occurs to me that raising perfect kids would have validated my life ~ would have given purpose to my having lived, defying my abuser's intent. And now that I know better, even this late in the day, I am going to change that pattern just as determinedly as, believing it was the right way, I created it. Turns out we are incredibly stronger than we knew, all along. Good. Then we will be able to change the story for our families, even this late in the day.) And when the kids do something crummy (as every human being does, even us, from time to time) then we are going to say so and move on. The kids are supposed to respect us and take care of business, not come crying to us. We (you) are going to tell your boys this is a new day. You don't have to be nasty. This is for their own good. We don't want sons dependent on mama. We want strong man-sons. What we've been doing hasn't worked. Detachment [U]can[/U] work, does change the dynamic. Again, there really is nothing you need to do right now. Thinking differently, reading here, posting when you can, will create the change that needs to happen, next. My goodness but I'm full of...advice, this morning. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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