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Nasty letter from father...where my difficult child is living now
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 619922" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Ugh. What a scary lonely place you are finding yourself in today. I am answering so you know you've been seen, heard, and that the group is out here with you.</p><p></p><p>I don't really have much to say...I don't have a shared experience for this. My dad was very critical, intimidating and shaming, but he died before my kids were born. What would I do if he practiced those skills on me today?</p><p></p><p>Burning the letter was really really good. Good for you for not keeeping it to read over and over.</p><p>Remember that time is very very long. People have a way of learning to see with their own eyes, and one thing that seems clear is that other people will see your dad's toxicity...even difficult child will start to wonder why your dad has to attack you all the time.</p><p>Maybe your siblings had a different experience of growing up than you did. that happens...slightly different ages, parents in a different place, finances different. And then we all choose which memories to emphasize, and that can shape a life. That doesn't mean your experience is wrong, just that theirs was different. Certainly that happened in my childhood home, where my older sister was clearly picked on by my dad for no apparent reason...and we, being little and vulnerable, went right along with him. We stopped when we were old enough to know better, and as my dad's toxicity became more apparent...but by then the damage was done. She has never really felt 'ok' in the world.</p><p></p><p>I don't think there is much you can do here. You can take care of you...do that screaming you need to do, and cry into your pillow. Then wash your face and take some deep breaths and feel what it is to be alive, to feel pain, to know it will pass, as does everything. The intensity of your anguish will pass.. that is the way of emotions. Days will pass, and things will change in ways we can't know or predict.</p><p></p><p>You have been a loving caring partner to your husband, a devoted mom to your difficult child...these things will out. YOu've said your parents are elderly...they will lose their power eventually. Try to be patient. Try to be calm. Try to find that small quiet place in you that knows who you are, that knows you are not as they say, that knows that bringing up Bobby Riggs at this point is just plain crazy, and desperate.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry that you feel so afraid. Our parents can do that to us. I know others will weigh in, probably with wiser words than I. I'm holding you close tonight, though. You aren't alone in these struggles.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 619922, member: 17269"] Ugh. What a scary lonely place you are finding yourself in today. I am answering so you know you've been seen, heard, and that the group is out here with you. I don't really have much to say...I don't have a shared experience for this. My dad was very critical, intimidating and shaming, but he died before my kids were born. What would I do if he practiced those skills on me today? Burning the letter was really really good. Good for you for not keeeping it to read over and over. Remember that time is very very long. People have a way of learning to see with their own eyes, and one thing that seems clear is that other people will see your dad's toxicity...even difficult child will start to wonder why your dad has to attack you all the time. Maybe your siblings had a different experience of growing up than you did. that happens...slightly different ages, parents in a different place, finances different. And then we all choose which memories to emphasize, and that can shape a life. That doesn't mean your experience is wrong, just that theirs was different. Certainly that happened in my childhood home, where my older sister was clearly picked on by my dad for no apparent reason...and we, being little and vulnerable, went right along with him. We stopped when we were old enough to know better, and as my dad's toxicity became more apparent...but by then the damage was done. She has never really felt 'ok' in the world. I don't think there is much you can do here. You can take care of you...do that screaming you need to do, and cry into your pillow. Then wash your face and take some deep breaths and feel what it is to be alive, to feel pain, to know it will pass, as does everything. The intensity of your anguish will pass.. that is the way of emotions. Days will pass, and things will change in ways we can't know or predict. You have been a loving caring partner to your husband, a devoted mom to your difficult child...these things will out. YOu've said your parents are elderly...they will lose their power eventually. Try to be patient. Try to be calm. Try to find that small quiet place in you that knows who you are, that knows you are not as they say, that knows that bringing up Bobby Riggs at this point is just plain crazy, and desperate. I am sorry that you feel so afraid. Our parents can do that to us. I know others will weigh in, probably with wiser words than I. I'm holding you close tonight, though. You aren't alone in these struggles. Echo [/QUOTE]
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