Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Nasty letter from father...where my difficult child is living now
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 619926" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh BITS, I am so sorry. What a terrible toxic dump onto you. Your father is a difficult child. You are in the middle of a difficult child sandwich. That really sucks and my heart goes out to you. You are the healthy, sane, kind, real one.........in dysfunctional families a scapegoat is necessary for the system to exist, so it appears that's been your role for your life. The way out is to <u>not reply, do not engage, </u>once you are out, out of the system entirely, the system will need to find a new scapegoat in order to survive, which may turn out to be your difficult child if he doesn't play by their rules. </p><p></p><p>I recall when it dawned on me that I was in the middle of a difficult child sandwich too...............it was shocking and it hurt, but as I began to get through it, it also started to make a lot of sense as to how I felt and what had happened to me........how it all impacted my whole life. </p><p></p><p>You are bigger then this family movie you were cast in. It is their movie and they are the stars...........it exists because the damage was done to little children, not adults..................you are a grown up now, you have choices, you can choose to see the truth of who they are and remove them from your life..............unfortunately at the moment, young difficult child is ensconced in their world.............and you need to detach from your son since this is the choice he has made. There may come a time when he opens his eyes and sees the reality especially if he is scapegoat number two. </p><p></p><p>Often in dysfunctional family systems, the healthiest, most sensitive, most compassionate one is the one the family attacks..........you may want to check into Brene Brown's books on shame or any of her TED talks which you can go on Youtube and watch for free. Her ideas had a huge impact on me and changed the way I saw myself in relation to the people I invited into my life to continue the damage my parents began. Her books and talks may be able to open your eyes to the truth and allow you to see that none of this has anything to do with YOU, it is all about them and their need to powertrip and harm and do damage to a vulnerable and authentic human being. </p><p></p><p>Burning the letter was the best thing you could have done. Native Americans look upon burning as a release and a powerful tool for change. You knew that intuitively<em> and it works too. </em> If you can get that energy out of your body, like actually screaming or taking a bat or some large item like a bat and beating a pillow.............you don't want that angry energy stuck in your body. I used to get in the car at night and drive down familiar roads and just scream and scream. Of course you can only do that for a short time because it is literally exhausting. But it helps a lot to get that crappy energy out of you.</p><p></p><p>Listen to me BITS, DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF! Seriously, do not allow another to define who you are or what you've done............in particular, your toxic and disturbed father who is obviously not only a difficult child, but likely has some personality disorder or mental issue...........people don't stay angry for 40 years for something an innocent child said at 12. Give me a break. Open your eyes BITS, your father is quite disturbed to act in the way he has. Sending you a letter and disinheriting you is disgusting and cruel behavior for an adult, do not let someone who is sick in any way make you doubt who you are. You are much, much more then what he can see............you know who you are............he doesn't and never will. Look in a mirror, not in your fathers eyes to define who you are.</p><p></p><p>There is a lot to let go of here BITS, but somewhere inside of you, you must have called this in...........the need for peace, the desire for freedom, wanting to learn acceptance...............whatever you were wishing for, this is the way to attain it..........this is what is in your way to get what you desire................a tall order for sure..........like me too, I had to let go of my sister, my brother, my mother, my daughter and a number of my closest friends. But, you know what..............after all of that, all of that suffering..................I really was free............I really did find peace...............all of that was IN MY WAY!!! And, the only way to get through it is to walk through it...........that's the yucky part................where you are right now.................but this will not last...............you will get angry...........you will cry...........and then, in a little while................you will be okay. Not only will you be okay...........you will feel better then you ever have.</p><p></p><p>Hold on BITS, hold on tight and feel what you feel...................this is meant to be so you finally can see the truth and put the onus on the people who deserve it.................Dad, Mom and difficult child. <strong>NOT YOU</strong>. <strong>You didn't do anything, not one thing wrong...</strong>..............all you did was try to figure it all out and you didn't have the tools, but now you do......................go scream................go cry.................then stand up tall and recognize all the way through you that you didn't do anything wrong, none of this is your fault............you are the light in this vast field of darkness.............<strong><u>.that </u></strong>is the truth.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 619926, member: 13542"] Oh BITS, I am so sorry. What a terrible toxic dump onto you. Your father is a difficult child. You are in the middle of a difficult child sandwich. That really sucks and my heart goes out to you. You are the healthy, sane, kind, real one.........in dysfunctional families a scapegoat is necessary for the system to exist, so it appears that's been your role for your life. The way out is to [U]not reply, do not engage, [/U]once you are out, out of the system entirely, the system will need to find a new scapegoat in order to survive, which may turn out to be your difficult child if he doesn't play by their rules. I recall when it dawned on me that I was in the middle of a difficult child sandwich too...............it was shocking and it hurt, but as I began to get through it, it also started to make a lot of sense as to how I felt and what had happened to me........how it all impacted my whole life. You are bigger then this family movie you were cast in. It is their movie and they are the stars...........it exists because the damage was done to little children, not adults..................you are a grown up now, you have choices, you can choose to see the truth of who they are and remove them from your life..............unfortunately at the moment, young difficult child is ensconced in their world.............and you need to detach from your son since this is the choice he has made. There may come a time when he opens his eyes and sees the reality especially if he is scapegoat number two. Often in dysfunctional family systems, the healthiest, most sensitive, most compassionate one is the one the family attacks..........you may want to check into Brene Brown's books on shame or any of her TED talks which you can go on Youtube and watch for free. Her ideas had a huge impact on me and changed the way I saw myself in relation to the people I invited into my life to continue the damage my parents began. Her books and talks may be able to open your eyes to the truth and allow you to see that none of this has anything to do with YOU, it is all about them and their need to powertrip and harm and do damage to a vulnerable and authentic human being. Burning the letter was the best thing you could have done. Native Americans look upon burning as a release and a powerful tool for change. You knew that intuitively[I] and it works too. [/I] If you can get that energy out of your body, like actually screaming or taking a bat or some large item like a bat and beating a pillow.............you don't want that angry energy stuck in your body. I used to get in the car at night and drive down familiar roads and just scream and scream. Of course you can only do that for a short time because it is literally exhausting. But it helps a lot to get that crappy energy out of you. Listen to me BITS, DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF! Seriously, do not allow another to define who you are or what you've done............in particular, your toxic and disturbed father who is obviously not only a difficult child, but likely has some personality disorder or mental issue...........people don't stay angry for 40 years for something an innocent child said at 12. Give me a break. Open your eyes BITS, your father is quite disturbed to act in the way he has. Sending you a letter and disinheriting you is disgusting and cruel behavior for an adult, do not let someone who is sick in any way make you doubt who you are. You are much, much more then what he can see............you know who you are............he doesn't and never will. Look in a mirror, not in your fathers eyes to define who you are. There is a lot to let go of here BITS, but somewhere inside of you, you must have called this in...........the need for peace, the desire for freedom, wanting to learn acceptance...............whatever you were wishing for, this is the way to attain it..........this is what is in your way to get what you desire................a tall order for sure..........like me too, I had to let go of my sister, my brother, my mother, my daughter and a number of my closest friends. But, you know what..............after all of that, all of that suffering..................I really was free............I really did find peace...............all of that was IN MY WAY!!! And, the only way to get through it is to walk through it...........that's the yucky part................where you are right now.................but this will not last...............you will get angry...........you will cry...........and then, in a little while................you will be okay. Not only will you be okay...........you will feel better then you ever have. Hold on BITS, hold on tight and feel what you feel...................this is meant to be so you finally can see the truth and put the onus on the people who deserve it.................Dad, Mom and difficult child. [B]NOT YOU[/B]. [B]You didn't do anything, not one thing wrong...[/B]..............all you did was try to figure it all out and you didn't have the tools, but now you do......................go scream................go cry.................then stand up tall and recognize all the way through you that you didn't do anything wrong, none of this is your fault............you are the light in this vast field of darkness.............[B][U].that [/U][/B]is the truth. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Nasty letter from father...where my difficult child is living now
Top