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Nasty letter from father...where my difficult child is living now
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 619931" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Accept what your father has written, although it would have been better if you hadn't read it. He's going to do what he's going to do and you can't change him. If he wants to disinherit you, he will. Sounds a bit like my father who threatens to do that whenever he is unhappy with me. After his last threat, I finally decided...so what? I told him calmly, "Dad, that is your decision. You have to do what you feel is right. It isn't going to change what I do, whether you disinherit me or not." He was so shocked he couldn't speak for a few minutes, but I meant it. I found out that I feel freer than a bird when I realized that I could live and live happily even if he disinherited me and that I would not change my behavior because of it and, better yet, that I didn't care what he thought of w hat I was doing. Through the years he has always been very critical. It doesn't matter what he thinks as long as I feel I am doing the right thing.</p><p></p><p>Think about it. Why are you upset? Because your father, who never approves of what you do, disapproves of what you do and is threatening to disinherit you? So he was angry that you got help for you son when he was younger? (by the way, this is proof that your son's problems go far back, but that's not the point in this response). Whatever your father is going to think, he is going to think and you can't change his mind. Whatever he is going to do with his money, he will do with it. Do not let either his opinion of you or his threats impact your happiness. You can control how you allow him to make you feel.</p><p></p><p>Personally, I'd delete anything he wrote you. There is nothing good to be gained by reading his criticism. You have a right to make your own decisions without his input. You are a grown up. You are allowed to call 911 when your son physically attacks you. Now if your son attacks HIM he is free to allow himself to be choked and do nothing. We all have free will.</p><p></p><p>What he doesn't deserve is you reading his frivolous, controlling, and meanspirited/threatening e-mails. Restrain from reading his threats from now on and keep on truckin', as they say. Go on with your own life, building a new priority that is yourself, and those loved ones and friends in your life who treat you well. Right now, he doesn't deserve to be a part of your life. I personally (and we are all different) have no trouble making a determination when my father, who is quite nasty, is wrong. I don't have that problem of thinking he must be right because he's my father. I am old enough to know what is right in my circumstances. I have no trouble not listening to dysfunctional family members. You're not daddy's little girl anymore. You are a proud, strong woman and you don't need his approval.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and more hugs for your pain. May you have a peaceful night and may you see your father for who he is and accept him...and decide then if you really want to read his opinions right now. I think you should do all you can to baby yourself...that bubble bath with scented candle and great book, and every time you find yourself thinking about him, change your thoughts to something wonderful. Close your eyes and picture the ocean or anyplace you love. Think of vacationing with your husband and other child or running free in a grassy park. Or watch some mindless reality show that makes you laugh. Every single time you think about Dad again, tell yourself "STOP!" and think about something else. Keep doing it. Obsessing over his cruel, meant-to-control-and-hurt words won't c hange him or help your state of mind...so practice getting him off your mind. This was a wonderful and pretty helpful coping skill that I learned from a wonderful psychologist. You can even put a rubber band on your writs and snap it every time you go back to thinking about the "bad thoughts" to remind yourself, with a slight jolt, to stop and move your mind to something else. Do not make your father's words an important part of your life.</p><p></p><p>Move on, detach from Dad too. Your family is NOT your DNA. Your family consists of those who love you, respect you, treat you well, appreciate you, like to be with you and are there for you when the chips are down. I'll bet you have plenty of family, even if not all of them share your DNA.</p><p></p><p>You sure have us <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>On final comment. Your difficult child is an adult. Mentally he may be five years old, but so what? Some fifty year olds are mentally toddlers. They are adults who refuse to grow up. Your son is an adult. If he is young for his age, then he needs to do some catch up work. And who can help him grow up at his age? One person. Himself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 619931, member: 1550"] Accept what your father has written, although it would have been better if you hadn't read it. He's going to do what he's going to do and you can't change him. If he wants to disinherit you, he will. Sounds a bit like my father who threatens to do that whenever he is unhappy with me. After his last threat, I finally decided...so what? I told him calmly, "Dad, that is your decision. You have to do what you feel is right. It isn't going to change what I do, whether you disinherit me or not." He was so shocked he couldn't speak for a few minutes, but I meant it. I found out that I feel freer than a bird when I realized that I could live and live happily even if he disinherited me and that I would not change my behavior because of it and, better yet, that I didn't care what he thought of w hat I was doing. Through the years he has always been very critical. It doesn't matter what he thinks as long as I feel I am doing the right thing. Think about it. Why are you upset? Because your father, who never approves of what you do, disapproves of what you do and is threatening to disinherit you? So he was angry that you got help for you son when he was younger? (by the way, this is proof that your son's problems go far back, but that's not the point in this response). Whatever your father is going to think, he is going to think and you can't change his mind. Whatever he is going to do with his money, he will do with it. Do not let either his opinion of you or his threats impact your happiness. You can control how you allow him to make you feel. Personally, I'd delete anything he wrote you. There is nothing good to be gained by reading his criticism. You have a right to make your own decisions without his input. You are a grown up. You are allowed to call 911 when your son physically attacks you. Now if your son attacks HIM he is free to allow himself to be choked and do nothing. We all have free will. What he doesn't deserve is you reading his frivolous, controlling, and meanspirited/threatening e-mails. Restrain from reading his threats from now on and keep on truckin', as they say. Go on with your own life, building a new priority that is yourself, and those loved ones and friends in your life who treat you well. Right now, he doesn't deserve to be a part of your life. I personally (and we are all different) have no trouble making a determination when my father, who is quite nasty, is wrong. I don't have that problem of thinking he must be right because he's my father. I am old enough to know what is right in my circumstances. I have no trouble not listening to dysfunctional family members. You're not daddy's little girl anymore. You are a proud, strong woman and you don't need his approval. Hugs and more hugs for your pain. May you have a peaceful night and may you see your father for who he is and accept him...and decide then if you really want to read his opinions right now. I think you should do all you can to baby yourself...that bubble bath with scented candle and great book, and every time you find yourself thinking about him, change your thoughts to something wonderful. Close your eyes and picture the ocean or anyplace you love. Think of vacationing with your husband and other child or running free in a grassy park. Or watch some mindless reality show that makes you laugh. Every single time you think about Dad again, tell yourself "STOP!" and think about something else. Keep doing it. Obsessing over his cruel, meant-to-control-and-hurt words won't c hange him or help your state of mind...so practice getting him off your mind. This was a wonderful and pretty helpful coping skill that I learned from a wonderful psychologist. You can even put a rubber band on your writs and snap it every time you go back to thinking about the "bad thoughts" to remind yourself, with a slight jolt, to stop and move your mind to something else. Do not make your father's words an important part of your life. Move on, detach from Dad too. Your family is NOT your DNA. Your family consists of those who love you, respect you, treat you well, appreciate you, like to be with you and are there for you when the chips are down. I'll bet you have plenty of family, even if not all of them share your DNA. You sure have us :) On final comment. Your difficult child is an adult. Mentally he may be five years old, but so what? Some fifty year olds are mentally toddlers. They are adults who refuse to grow up. Your son is an adult. If he is young for his age, then he needs to do some catch up work. And who can help him grow up at his age? One person. Himself. [/QUOTE]
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Nasty letter from father...where my difficult child is living now
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