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Nasty letter from father...where my difficult child is living now
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 619953" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Your dad reminds me of my former father in law. He was a cruel, mean, vicious man who loved to taunt people and control people. I believe he may have been a sociopath. He was definitely an alcoholic. He is the meanest person I have ever heard about or experienced (your dad sounds like his cousin).</p><p></p><p>When my husband (now ex) and I decided to get married, he called us to an upstairs bedroom where there were 2 chairs lined up. We were instructed to sit in them. And for the next two hours he walked back and forth in front of us (he was retired Lt. Col. from the military so you can get the picture...), and mercilessly questioned us. Why were we getting married? (we had dated for four years, were college grads, etc.). What did we expect marriage to be? Why were we having a wedding? Why were we having the wedding we were having? On and on and on. My poor fiancee, who had lived with this monster for all of his life, just sat there. I began to think I was the crazy one. They were acting like this was supposed to happen. Finally, I started getting mad but I kept trying to answer, be respectful etc. I was 22 years old. I didn't know anything about anything. When he said this, I was done: Are you having a big wedding for your ego? For your mother's ego? For your father's ego? I don't remember what I said or what my fiancee said (if he said anything), but I saw red. I said I'm done here. And I got up and walked out.</p><p></p><p>I should have known then that something was bad, bad wrong with that family, but lol, I was In Love. Anyway...</p><p></p><p>He proceeded for the next six months to create drama around anything he could about the wedding, the rehearsal dinner, whether or not he was going to wear a tux or not, whether or not he was going to come or not. The day of the wedding, we still didn't know. He did show up and in the tux in the end.</p><p></p><p>This man was toxic. He was as close to a "bad person" as I have seen. And he did it all---this is chllling---with a smile on his face. </p><p></p><p>We always joked (well not really joked, but...) and said when he goes, he will be in a nursing home (cause none of US were going to tolerate him in OUR home) for 20 years, driving us all crazy and summoning us to the bedside. LOL. While my mother in law, a sweet, smart (well, not that smart, she stayed with him, somehow, barely all those years), caring---would go in a flash. Cuz only the good die young, right? Well that didn't happen. He died very quickly one day of a cerebral hemorrhage. She was the one in the nursing home. I loved her very much. </p><p></p><p>There ARE crazy, mean, toxic people in the world. And they can be in our families. You had one BITS, and you rose beyond it above it and are still doing the best you can do to be a good, honest, caring person in this world. Regardless.</p><p></p><p>If you peel away the layers, my father in law's father died when he was a baby in a house fire and he was raised by his mother and two aunts who evidently doted on him and gave him every single thing he ever wanted. He ruled the roost. Then he went into the military and ruled that roost. He ruled the roost at home and nearly ruined every single one of his four kids---they are all severely damaged from his abuse. Physical, verbal and emotional. </p><p></p><p>My ex was the most functional of the four but he also became an alcoholic and had lots of shame, self-hatred and lack of self-esteem which of course, impacted everything in his life. </p><p></p><p>YOU are NOT the crazy one, BITS. Even though those you love so much nod and smile and say, well, we are doing it all right and YOU are wrong. That is so hard to hear and to bear and you do think: Maybe, just maybe they are right.</p><p></p><p>But they are NOT. When a person is true, honest, caring, kind, compassionate....and ACTS with those qualities...that is where the truth and goodness lies. Not in people who push themselves on us, who utter hatred, blame, tell us we don't remember right, we are crazy, basically put nothing GOOD out to us...that is the telling part. They threaten us, they belittle us, they manipulate and control us. </p><p></p><p>That is the telling part. </p><p></p><p>And burning the letter and waiting to see what you will do---that is the telling part. YOU are the one who is the sane one.</p><p></p><p>All you can do, all you can do, BITS, is be the very best person that you are. Continue to be honest, to set boundaries, to be loving and kind and compassionate and generous, to make mistakes (of course!) and to forgive yourself and even them. </p><p></p><p>Even them someday. Not today, while the pain is fresh, but someday. For yourself.</p><p></p><p>There is a person who was very, very mean to me about two years ago. He talked to me like I have NEVER been talked to by anybody in my life. It crushed me. I felt shame, I wondered if he was right, I was embarrassed, I wanted to hide. I hated him and I also thought maybe he was the only one who could see the incompetent person that I really am, the person I hide to the world. Maybe he saw the real me and he let me know that. It was truly awful and I tortured myself with his words over and over and over and over and over again. Finally one day I read something and although I DIDN"T WANT TO DO THIS AT ALL, in any cell of my being, I decided to try it. I decided to pray for him. Ugh, it was repellent to me. It still is. And I can truly say that my heart has softened toward him. And as my heart softened, I saw the truth. I couldn't see it when my heart was a hard granite rock toward him. I saw more and I understood more and I WAS CHANGED. In fact, I have seen him multiple times and I am able to look him in the eye and offer a cordial greeting. I will never trust him nor do I want to spend more than 60 seconds in his presence and I won't and don't have to. I have almost let it go. Not completely, but almost.</p><p></p><p>BITS, you know the real truth. You know WHO you are. You know how hard you try to always do the right thing and be honest. You always have. I know that from reading your authentic posts. You reveal your true self. We do that here. </p><p></p><p>Take care of yourself today and know that we are on YOUR SIDE. You are not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 619953, member: 17542"] Your dad reminds me of my former father in law. He was a cruel, mean, vicious man who loved to taunt people and control people. I believe he may have been a sociopath. He was definitely an alcoholic. He is the meanest person I have ever heard about or experienced (your dad sounds like his cousin). When my husband (now ex) and I decided to get married, he called us to an upstairs bedroom where there were 2 chairs lined up. We were instructed to sit in them. And for the next two hours he walked back and forth in front of us (he was retired Lt. Col. from the military so you can get the picture...), and mercilessly questioned us. Why were we getting married? (we had dated for four years, were college grads, etc.). What did we expect marriage to be? Why were we having a wedding? Why were we having the wedding we were having? On and on and on. My poor fiancee, who had lived with this monster for all of his life, just sat there. I began to think I was the crazy one. They were acting like this was supposed to happen. Finally, I started getting mad but I kept trying to answer, be respectful etc. I was 22 years old. I didn't know anything about anything. When he said this, I was done: Are you having a big wedding for your ego? For your mother's ego? For your father's ego? I don't remember what I said or what my fiancee said (if he said anything), but I saw red. I said I'm done here. And I got up and walked out. I should have known then that something was bad, bad wrong with that family, but lol, I was In Love. Anyway... He proceeded for the next six months to create drama around anything he could about the wedding, the rehearsal dinner, whether or not he was going to wear a tux or not, whether or not he was going to come or not. The day of the wedding, we still didn't know. He did show up and in the tux in the end. This man was toxic. He was as close to a "bad person" as I have seen. And he did it all---this is chllling---with a smile on his face. We always joked (well not really joked, but...) and said when he goes, he will be in a nursing home (cause none of US were going to tolerate him in OUR home) for 20 years, driving us all crazy and summoning us to the bedside. LOL. While my mother in law, a sweet, smart (well, not that smart, she stayed with him, somehow, barely all those years), caring---would go in a flash. Cuz only the good die young, right? Well that didn't happen. He died very quickly one day of a cerebral hemorrhage. She was the one in the nursing home. I loved her very much. There ARE crazy, mean, toxic people in the world. And they can be in our families. You had one BITS, and you rose beyond it above it and are still doing the best you can do to be a good, honest, caring person in this world. Regardless. If you peel away the layers, my father in law's father died when he was a baby in a house fire and he was raised by his mother and two aunts who evidently doted on him and gave him every single thing he ever wanted. He ruled the roost. Then he went into the military and ruled that roost. He ruled the roost at home and nearly ruined every single one of his four kids---they are all severely damaged from his abuse. Physical, verbal and emotional. My ex was the most functional of the four but he also became an alcoholic and had lots of shame, self-hatred and lack of self-esteem which of course, impacted everything in his life. YOU are NOT the crazy one, BITS. Even though those you love so much nod and smile and say, well, we are doing it all right and YOU are wrong. That is so hard to hear and to bear and you do think: Maybe, just maybe they are right. But they are NOT. When a person is true, honest, caring, kind, compassionate....and ACTS with those qualities...that is where the truth and goodness lies. Not in people who push themselves on us, who utter hatred, blame, tell us we don't remember right, we are crazy, basically put nothing GOOD out to us...that is the telling part. They threaten us, they belittle us, they manipulate and control us. That is the telling part. And burning the letter and waiting to see what you will do---that is the telling part. YOU are the one who is the sane one. All you can do, all you can do, BITS, is be the very best person that you are. Continue to be honest, to set boundaries, to be loving and kind and compassionate and generous, to make mistakes (of course!) and to forgive yourself and even them. Even them someday. Not today, while the pain is fresh, but someday. For yourself. There is a person who was very, very mean to me about two years ago. He talked to me like I have NEVER been talked to by anybody in my life. It crushed me. I felt shame, I wondered if he was right, I was embarrassed, I wanted to hide. I hated him and I also thought maybe he was the only one who could see the incompetent person that I really am, the person I hide to the world. Maybe he saw the real me and he let me know that. It was truly awful and I tortured myself with his words over and over and over and over and over again. Finally one day I read something and although I DIDN"T WANT TO DO THIS AT ALL, in any cell of my being, I decided to try it. I decided to pray for him. Ugh, it was repellent to me. It still is. And I can truly say that my heart has softened toward him. And as my heart softened, I saw the truth. I couldn't see it when my heart was a hard granite rock toward him. I saw more and I understood more and I WAS CHANGED. In fact, I have seen him multiple times and I am able to look him in the eye and offer a cordial greeting. I will never trust him nor do I want to spend more than 60 seconds in his presence and I won't and don't have to. I have almost let it go. Not completely, but almost. BITS, you know the real truth. You know WHO you are. You know how hard you try to always do the right thing and be honest. You always have. I know that from reading your authentic posts. You reveal your true self. We do that here. Take care of yourself today and know that we are on YOUR SIDE. You are not alone. [/QUOTE]
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Nasty letter from father...where my difficult child is living now
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