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Nasty letter from father...where my difficult child is living now
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<blockquote data-quote="BackintheSaddle" data-source="post: 620026" data-attributes="member: 17503"><p>wow...I feel so blessed that all of you took the time to respond and read through the mire that is my dysfunctional DNA source...;-)...you know, Nancy is absolutely right...my husband and I looked at that envelope and he suggested I not open it...and I said 'what if....'.....what if somehow he's realized that difficult child really is a handful that they can't handle...that he has these strange behaviors that they heard me talk about but never witnessed until now...but of course, I don't know that my father can be enlightened (but MWM, it's scary to think he could STILL be here 11 years from now-- ugh!-- like you're Dad-- I now believe there is such a thing as living too long)...growing up, my mother was the nutty one (I believe she has borderline PD)...I was the oldest and she always drew me into the dysfunction between her and my father...as his drinking got worse and she picked a fit with him, I'd get in between them to stand up for her and the verbal abuse he was spewing out...the perfect child in that sense but I am also the only one who got away and got treatment and enlightenment...it was really only by fate-- I got a job right out of college as a researcher for a local substance abuse treatment center and worked for a psychologist...she was a wonderful mentor and eventually, I worked my way into individual work with patients...that job was a godsend in that I learned all about why I felt so crappy about myself...the more I learned, the more I saw the truth of my childhood and my parent's ongoing dramas, and the more I stood up for myself and didn't allow myself to get sucked into their crap....so since my early 20s, I've gradually become the child who's the scape goat because I'm the only one who will stand up to my father (how dare I!), the only one who will say outloud what a drinking problem he had (he's got heart problems now so drinks less but still is a binge drinker)...my first husband had cancer and died when he was 29 and I was 27 and it was through that loss that I decided to go back to school because I NEVER wanted to be in the position of having to depend on my father for money...I could see how he was already using money to try and control my brother (who was living with me at the time) and that my sister was probably the kind of person who would never stand on her own two feet...so I went to grad school and have supported myself even after my husband died...I support my husband now and he takes such good care of me and our farm and animals...he loves what he's doing, I love my job, and I get to be my own person...and it has driven my father nuts...we bought a new truck last year to haul our horses in a trailer and he had a fit about that-- WE bought it but HE thought we were wasting our money and haven't let it go...in that nasty letter, he brought it up again about how can we buy a truck like that and not pay for difficult child's school!</p><p> </p><p>all of that is to remind myself (and tell you) that my struggles with my parents have been very long and hard but when they did what they did 7 years ago (disinheriting me the first time), that was so difficult to go through-- not only were they abandoning me when I really needed support (my 6th grader was in a psychiatric hospital) but they also abandoned him...man, that was a hard time...I remember my difficult child going for a walk on the beach afterwards and asking me if I'd ever do that to him ('disown' him)...I'd never do that even to my difficult child...I'll distance myself but if he ever wants help/treatment, ever wants to find peace between us, I'll remain open (and hopeful) of that...It's been a lot of hard work to grow away from my birth family and I have accomplished a lot...my father doesn't like it because he knows I don't need him in my life and the only 'control' he has over my life right now is having difficult child there...but, he doesn't know me and seems to not realize that I've grown a lot more away from him perhaps than he had imagined...I had an ok day today and slept ok last night (was kind of surprised about that)...I'm finding it pretty easy to let him go (compared to last time)...we got a beautiful snow today (in the south, not a common event) that's still coming and it's so easy to look out the window and forget about all that mess with that old man...I didn't respond to him and never will again...and I LOVE the idea of returning to sender, that will blow his mind and feel SO good to take that power from him...great idea!</p><p> </p><p>I'll look up those videos and books-- open to any ideas...have been reading Chodron (sp) because Recovering recommended her, started yoga (instructor recommended 'wellspring of compassion: self-care for sensitive people healing from trauma' by Connolly which is very useful now), trying most anything to get my feet back on the ground...I'll work up to the praying-- I have to say, maybe it's just me, but all of this has rocked my faith...it's hard to see God in all of this-- maybe his direction for my life is how I got away from all of that but did I really have to sacrifice my only child for that freedom? maybe you're right, difficult child will see the truth...but he's gotta realize at some point that he's not looking through exactly clear eyes-- not in examining his own life and in how he views my father...</p><p> </p><p>thanks again for your time and support...I wish I'd known about you back when this happened the first time!..</p><p>;-)...but I intend to take full advantage of my new friends this time!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BackintheSaddle, post: 620026, member: 17503"] wow...I feel so blessed that all of you took the time to respond and read through the mire that is my dysfunctional DNA source...;-)...you know, Nancy is absolutely right...my husband and I looked at that envelope and he suggested I not open it...and I said 'what if....'.....what if somehow he's realized that difficult child really is a handful that they can't handle...that he has these strange behaviors that they heard me talk about but never witnessed until now...but of course, I don't know that my father can be enlightened (but MWM, it's scary to think he could STILL be here 11 years from now-- ugh!-- like you're Dad-- I now believe there is such a thing as living too long)...growing up, my mother was the nutty one (I believe she has borderline PD)...I was the oldest and she always drew me into the dysfunction between her and my father...as his drinking got worse and she picked a fit with him, I'd get in between them to stand up for her and the verbal abuse he was spewing out...the perfect child in that sense but I am also the only one who got away and got treatment and enlightenment...it was really only by fate-- I got a job right out of college as a researcher for a local substance abuse treatment center and worked for a psychologist...she was a wonderful mentor and eventually, I worked my way into individual work with patients...that job was a godsend in that I learned all about why I felt so crappy about myself...the more I learned, the more I saw the truth of my childhood and my parent's ongoing dramas, and the more I stood up for myself and didn't allow myself to get sucked into their crap....so since my early 20s, I've gradually become the child who's the scape goat because I'm the only one who will stand up to my father (how dare I!), the only one who will say outloud what a drinking problem he had (he's got heart problems now so drinks less but still is a binge drinker)...my first husband had cancer and died when he was 29 and I was 27 and it was through that loss that I decided to go back to school because I NEVER wanted to be in the position of having to depend on my father for money...I could see how he was already using money to try and control my brother (who was living with me at the time) and that my sister was probably the kind of person who would never stand on her own two feet...so I went to grad school and have supported myself even after my husband died...I support my husband now and he takes such good care of me and our farm and animals...he loves what he's doing, I love my job, and I get to be my own person...and it has driven my father nuts...we bought a new truck last year to haul our horses in a trailer and he had a fit about that-- WE bought it but HE thought we were wasting our money and haven't let it go...in that nasty letter, he brought it up again about how can we buy a truck like that and not pay for difficult child's school! all of that is to remind myself (and tell you) that my struggles with my parents have been very long and hard but when they did what they did 7 years ago (disinheriting me the first time), that was so difficult to go through-- not only were they abandoning me when I really needed support (my 6th grader was in a psychiatric hospital) but they also abandoned him...man, that was a hard time...I remember my difficult child going for a walk on the beach afterwards and asking me if I'd ever do that to him ('disown' him)...I'd never do that even to my difficult child...I'll distance myself but if he ever wants help/treatment, ever wants to find peace between us, I'll remain open (and hopeful) of that...It's been a lot of hard work to grow away from my birth family and I have accomplished a lot...my father doesn't like it because he knows I don't need him in my life and the only 'control' he has over my life right now is having difficult child there...but, he doesn't know me and seems to not realize that I've grown a lot more away from him perhaps than he had imagined...I had an ok day today and slept ok last night (was kind of surprised about that)...I'm finding it pretty easy to let him go (compared to last time)...we got a beautiful snow today (in the south, not a common event) that's still coming and it's so easy to look out the window and forget about all that mess with that old man...I didn't respond to him and never will again...and I LOVE the idea of returning to sender, that will blow his mind and feel SO good to take that power from him...great idea! I'll look up those videos and books-- open to any ideas...have been reading Chodron (sp) because Recovering recommended her, started yoga (instructor recommended 'wellspring of compassion: self-care for sensitive people healing from trauma' by Connolly which is very useful now), trying most anything to get my feet back on the ground...I'll work up to the praying-- I have to say, maybe it's just me, but all of this has rocked my faith...it's hard to see God in all of this-- maybe his direction for my life is how I got away from all of that but did I really have to sacrifice my only child for that freedom? maybe you're right, difficult child will see the truth...but he's gotta realize at some point that he's not looking through exactly clear eyes-- not in examining his own life and in how he views my father... thanks again for your time and support...I wish I'd known about you back when this happened the first time!.. ;-)...but I intend to take full advantage of my new friends this time! [/QUOTE]
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