Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Nasty letter from father...where my difficult child is living now
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 620059" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I'm glad you feel relatively okay BITS. I'm sure this felt like a sucker punch to you. I completely understand the feeling of having to "sacrifice your only child for your freedom" since I have a very similar story to yours.................highly dysfunctional biological family littered with mental illness rather then substance abuse...........end result the same as yours where we kids were concerned. Me? Oldest, most sensitive, only one to escape the genetic map. My only child? Some kind of mental illness not diagnosed. Much sorrow which I've learned from, grown from, healed from and moved on from. </p><p></p><p>Now I'm raising my granddaughter, the final piece in my parenting career. I also raised my sister who skipped out of my life about 18 years ago blaming me for what my parents did. I very much understand how you are feeling right now. Three years ago, my granddaughter went to live with her Dad's parents who are similar to your Dad and Mom's messed up lives. Oddly, her therapist told me this is something that was necessary for her own growth..............her Dad had committed suicide so this was her link to him and she had to find out for herself who they were. That was a crushing blow to me,the one who was always there, always providing for her and loving her. We all agreed that she would stay one year, through the ninth grade, although there was a possibility it would be until she went to college. During that time I continued to be present for her, loving her, sending her cards, notes, being available. Within a few months she wanted to come home. I insisted she live up to the agreement we had all made. (that was hard to do) They were not harming her, they were just showing her who they are. One year to the day she returned. About a week later, (she was 14) she told me she was sorry she had been such a "brat" to me, that she had an "epiphany" about treating me badly now understanding that she took all the anger she had at her Mom and threw it at me. She said she now knew that her other grandparents were messed up and she could see what her father had had to deal with as a kid. In other words, that year changed her whole life. She came back a different kid and our relationship blossomed.</p><p></p><p>Your son is likely in a similar position where he will need to see for himself who your parents are..............all you can really do is ride that out.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry you have to deal with any of this, I truly am. However, you are having to deal with it and I guess what I am trying to tell you is that on the other side of all that loss really is a whole new vista, a whole new sense of peace and although in some ways I too have "sacrificed" my daughter for my freedom, to use your words, I don't look at it that way...........the word sacrifice implies that I did that and I didn't, it happened to me and I dealt with it. Mental illness has it's own agenda and I crawled out from underneath it and survived. For me it is a triumph of what we humans can accomplish. And, yes, my daughter is still mired in her own muck, by her own choice.........and as I wrote on another post, in running into her the other day, I remained okay, I remained in my own centered place and life moved on. Not to say that is perfect by any stretch of the imagination...........but it is what it is and I am okay. You will be okay too. You have had a rough ride as well, and yet you've been given a lot too.....your SO, your career, financial freedom, a beautiful farm, horses, a life of comfort and most important, a sense of yourself which is deep and real................it's where we put our focus that counts and I believe over time your focus will shift and your perception will change, regardless of what your son or your father or anyone does or doesn't do................. And then we have peace of mind. That is what I always wish for all of us, because if you have that..............you have it all.</p><p></p><p>I am sending you gentle hugs BITS, understanding thoughts and prayers for you to find peace............God Bless...........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 620059, member: 13542"] I'm glad you feel relatively okay BITS. I'm sure this felt like a sucker punch to you. I completely understand the feeling of having to "sacrifice your only child for your freedom" since I have a very similar story to yours.................highly dysfunctional biological family littered with mental illness rather then substance abuse...........end result the same as yours where we kids were concerned. Me? Oldest, most sensitive, only one to escape the genetic map. My only child? Some kind of mental illness not diagnosed. Much sorrow which I've learned from, grown from, healed from and moved on from. Now I'm raising my granddaughter, the final piece in my parenting career. I also raised my sister who skipped out of my life about 18 years ago blaming me for what my parents did. I very much understand how you are feeling right now. Three years ago, my granddaughter went to live with her Dad's parents who are similar to your Dad and Mom's messed up lives. Oddly, her therapist told me this is something that was necessary for her own growth..............her Dad had committed suicide so this was her link to him and she had to find out for herself who they were. That was a crushing blow to me,the one who was always there, always providing for her and loving her. We all agreed that she would stay one year, through the ninth grade, although there was a possibility it would be until she went to college. During that time I continued to be present for her, loving her, sending her cards, notes, being available. Within a few months she wanted to come home. I insisted she live up to the agreement we had all made. (that was hard to do) They were not harming her, they were just showing her who they are. One year to the day she returned. About a week later, (she was 14) she told me she was sorry she had been such a "brat" to me, that she had an "epiphany" about treating me badly now understanding that she took all the anger she had at her Mom and threw it at me. She said she now knew that her other grandparents were messed up and she could see what her father had had to deal with as a kid. In other words, that year changed her whole life. She came back a different kid and our relationship blossomed. Your son is likely in a similar position where he will need to see for himself who your parents are..............all you can really do is ride that out. I am sorry you have to deal with any of this, I truly am. However, you are having to deal with it and I guess what I am trying to tell you is that on the other side of all that loss really is a whole new vista, a whole new sense of peace and although in some ways I too have "sacrificed" my daughter for my freedom, to use your words, I don't look at it that way...........the word sacrifice implies that I did that and I didn't, it happened to me and I dealt with it. Mental illness has it's own agenda and I crawled out from underneath it and survived. For me it is a triumph of what we humans can accomplish. And, yes, my daughter is still mired in her own muck, by her own choice.........and as I wrote on another post, in running into her the other day, I remained okay, I remained in my own centered place and life moved on. Not to say that is perfect by any stretch of the imagination...........but it is what it is and I am okay. You will be okay too. You have had a rough ride as well, and yet you've been given a lot too.....your SO, your career, financial freedom, a beautiful farm, horses, a life of comfort and most important, a sense of yourself which is deep and real................it's where we put our focus that counts and I believe over time your focus will shift and your perception will change, regardless of what your son or your father or anyone does or doesn't do................. And then we have peace of mind. That is what I always wish for all of us, because if you have that..............you have it all. I am sending you gentle hugs BITS, understanding thoughts and prayers for you to find peace............God Bless........... [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Nasty letter from father...where my difficult child is living now
Top