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Parent Emeritus
Need advice: adult son with mental problems ... things getting worse
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<blockquote data-quote="Sam3" data-source="post: 727821" data-attributes="member: 19290"><p>I absolutely don't believe you should tolerate stealing or drugging in your home, even temporarily. </p><p></p><p>I think my point is about what is in our hearts and minds when we set boundaries and package the message. </p><p></p><p>If your son is in the throws of addiction, that is a tragedy. If there’s no good reason why HE should suffer it — there’s certainly no reason for the lives of loved ones to be destroyed by it. </p><p></p><p>So the boundaries you set address the spill over destruction. It’s bad enough you hurt thinking about your sons drug use. You won’t watch it when you come home. Or maybe being sober is a condition for living at home. </p><p></p><p>Stealing is a crime. You would report anyone else who stole from you and anyone else who he stole from would report him. Because you won’t fund the addiction, you will report him, and hope that he can plead out with rehab. And whether you catch him again or not, you would be perfectly reasonable deciding he can’t live with you because you don’t want to hide your purse and valuables. </p><p></p><p>That said, I think it’s important to convey that you realize the monkey is driving the bus, and that it makes every single rider do these types of things. That it must suck to crave something so badly that his character is now a hostage. </p><p></p><p>I would just assume he wouldn’t want his life to be like this either, if the monkey would let him regain some perspective. </p><p></p><p>But whether it’s temporary for him or not, it’s got to be temporary for you. If he is refusing help, then your home is not a respite for someone struggling to right his life, but a safe space for an addict. </p><p></p><p>I would ask him how much time he needs to figure out whether he is ready to start working on his issues. And at the end of that time ask for an answer. If the answer is no, then he needs to live elsewhere. If he doesn’t even want to participate in figuring that out, then you have your answer. </p><p></p><p>All of that is love and can be conveyed with hope and resolve.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sam3, post: 727821, member: 19290"] I absolutely don't believe you should tolerate stealing or drugging in your home, even temporarily. I think my point is about what is in our hearts and minds when we set boundaries and package the message. If your son is in the throws of addiction, that is a tragedy. If there’s no good reason why HE should suffer it — there’s certainly no reason for the lives of loved ones to be destroyed by it. So the boundaries you set address the spill over destruction. It’s bad enough you hurt thinking about your sons drug use. You won’t watch it when you come home. Or maybe being sober is a condition for living at home. Stealing is a crime. You would report anyone else who stole from you and anyone else who he stole from would report him. Because you won’t fund the addiction, you will report him, and hope that he can plead out with rehab. And whether you catch him again or not, you would be perfectly reasonable deciding he can’t live with you because you don’t want to hide your purse and valuables. That said, I think it’s important to convey that you realize the monkey is driving the bus, and that it makes every single rider do these types of things. That it must suck to crave something so badly that his character is now a hostage. I would just assume he wouldn’t want his life to be like this either, if the monkey would let him regain some perspective. But whether it’s temporary for him or not, it’s got to be temporary for you. If he is refusing help, then your home is not a respite for someone struggling to right his life, but a safe space for an addict. I would ask him how much time he needs to figure out whether he is ready to start working on his issues. And at the end of that time ask for an answer. If the answer is no, then he needs to live elsewhere. If he doesn’t even want to participate in figuring that out, then you have your answer. All of that is love and can be conveyed with hope and resolve. [/QUOTE]
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Need advice: adult son with mental problems ... things getting worse
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