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Need advice on this situation please am really struggling
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 750010" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>I am not sure what to say. I let my daughter get away with stealing at your sons age and felt sorry for her too instead of coming down hard on her. In fact she got rewarded a lot for awful behavior and my husband and I made excuse after excuse for her behavior. When it became clear that she couldn't live with us safely, nor live well with her useless lazy husband, we bought her a house which she lost and then she got a ton of other perks from us because we felt guilty and bad for her. Our money is mostly gone. We gave it to her. She didn't have to steal it, but she did steal. And we never called the police.</p><p></p><p>So now we have a 33 year old daughter who never felt consequences, whom we pitied because she was not as academically successful as her siblings, because she said being adopted made her feel out of place, etc.</p><p></p><p>She didn't need our pity nor our excusing her. She needed to be treated like others treat their children who behave in a way that will hurt them and others as they become adults. Your son is not experiencing anything worse than many teens do in this age of divorce and most do not steal from Grandma or anyone. Your son was dead wrong and nobody made him do it. There are many other ways to deal with feeling neglected, if that is even true. Your son was wrong for any reason. Maybe he can work part time after school and give Grandma half his paycheck. No, we never made Kay get a job. She is 33 and still has never significantly worked.</p><p></p><p> I am belatedly learning that there is no excuse for bad behavior. None. The anger from his grandmother and dad are consequences of his stealing. It is part of a lesson. My daughter has no friends in the family anymore because of her behavior. She has not learned to behave better. My heart is broken, but we no longer help her either and she is abusive to us. She expects to be doted on no matter what and life doesn't work that way. Same for your son. Or anyone.</p><p></p><p> Yes, he is only 16, but he IS 16. He is not eight. He needs to earn back trust. Or not. It is up to them and him. Saying he is sorry is not enough.</p><p></p><p>I was like you. I am NOT criticising you at all. I get your deep pain and almost feeling as if HE is the victim. I have felt it toward people who were angry ay my."poor" daughter for theft and other issues. Oh, how I wish we had not done so much in the name of compassion for Kay. She is helpless now and dishonest today. And everything is someone else's fault, not hers. I blame myself and my husband for how we always handled her like she was fragile china. The results are bad.;</p><p></p><p>My advice is to back off. I wish we had. This is between his victims (yes, they are) and him. His grandmother can disinherit him if she likes. It is her money. This may sound awful, but husband and I are considering leaving Kay a very small inheritance. The other kids never received the money that she has gotten from us.</p><p></p><p>Your son is.lucky Grandma didn't call the cops. Minor or.not, he is close to 18 and knows better. What did he spend that money on? Drugs? Video games? Nothing as important as breaking his grandma's heart and he did. And she is angry. And I can't blame her.</p><p></p><p>At 16 he can wash his own clothes and tidy himself up and even cook himself. I wish we had forced Kay to learn these life skills. At 33 she still doesn't clean her apartment, cooks microwave, wont work and my grandson is often not clean. She sits around all day smoking cigarettes and pot. She cant afford either bit finds money elsewhere from us.</p><p></p><p>I have to stop. I am going to a place that hurts me. I feel our excusing Kay and our pity for her made her an adult victim. If your son will get therapy, he needs it. My Kay would not go. She has never gone. Pot all day long every day is her therapist.</p><p></p><p>I wish you the best and if God is in your life I recommend giving this entire problem over to Him in His loving care. It is not your business, even though your son was the one who did it. Please stay out of it for the sake of him learning consequences and for you not getting stressed and sick. Take care of yourself in this. Maybe hide your valuable items as your son could do it again.</p><p></p><p>I offer hugs and empathy. Been there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 750010, member: 23706"] I am not sure what to say. I let my daughter get away with stealing at your sons age and felt sorry for her too instead of coming down hard on her. In fact she got rewarded a lot for awful behavior and my husband and I made excuse after excuse for her behavior. When it became clear that she couldn't live with us safely, nor live well with her useless lazy husband, we bought her a house which she lost and then she got a ton of other perks from us because we felt guilty and bad for her. Our money is mostly gone. We gave it to her. She didn't have to steal it, but she did steal. And we never called the police. So now we have a 33 year old daughter who never felt consequences, whom we pitied because she was not as academically successful as her siblings, because she said being adopted made her feel out of place, etc. She didn't need our pity nor our excusing her. She needed to be treated like others treat their children who behave in a way that will hurt them and others as they become adults. Your son is not experiencing anything worse than many teens do in this age of divorce and most do not steal from Grandma or anyone. Your son was dead wrong and nobody made him do it. There are many other ways to deal with feeling neglected, if that is even true. Your son was wrong for any reason. Maybe he can work part time after school and give Grandma half his paycheck. No, we never made Kay get a job. She is 33 and still has never significantly worked. I am belatedly learning that there is no excuse for bad behavior. None. The anger from his grandmother and dad are consequences of his stealing. It is part of a lesson. My daughter has no friends in the family anymore because of her behavior. She has not learned to behave better. My heart is broken, but we no longer help her either and she is abusive to us. She expects to be doted on no matter what and life doesn't work that way. Same for your son. Or anyone. Yes, he is only 16, but he IS 16. He is not eight. He needs to earn back trust. Or not. It is up to them and him. Saying he is sorry is not enough. I was like you. I am NOT criticising you at all. I get your deep pain and almost feeling as if HE is the victim. I have felt it toward people who were angry ay my."poor" daughter for theft and other issues. Oh, how I wish we had not done so much in the name of compassion for Kay. She is helpless now and dishonest today. And everything is someone else's fault, not hers. I blame myself and my husband for how we always handled her like she was fragile china. The results are bad.; My advice is to back off. I wish we had. This is between his victims (yes, they are) and him. His grandmother can disinherit him if she likes. It is her money. This may sound awful, but husband and I are considering leaving Kay a very small inheritance. The other kids never received the money that she has gotten from us. Your son is.lucky Grandma didn't call the cops. Minor or.not, he is close to 18 and knows better. What did he spend that money on? Drugs? Video games? Nothing as important as breaking his grandma's heart and he did. And she is angry. And I can't blame her. At 16 he can wash his own clothes and tidy himself up and even cook himself. I wish we had forced Kay to learn these life skills. At 33 she still doesn't clean her apartment, cooks microwave, wont work and my grandson is often not clean. She sits around all day smoking cigarettes and pot. She cant afford either bit finds money elsewhere from us. I have to stop. I am going to a place that hurts me. I feel our excusing Kay and our pity for her made her an adult victim. If your son will get therapy, he needs it. My Kay would not go. She has never gone. Pot all day long every day is her therapist. I wish you the best and if God is in your life I recommend giving this entire problem over to Him in His loving care. It is not your business, even though your son was the one who did it. Please stay out of it for the sake of him learning consequences and for you not getting stressed and sick. Take care of yourself in this. Maybe hide your valuable items as your son could do it again. I offer hugs and empathy. Been there. [/QUOTE]
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