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Need advice on two things
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<blockquote data-quote="Farmwife" data-source="post: 371178" data-attributes="member: 8617"><p>1. Respect is a two way street! I am old fashioned in this way though and told my difficult child that he didn't have to like me, it isn't my job to be liked. He does however HAVE to show respect. That was a work in progress though. My difficult child was just like yours in so many ways so there is hope. Some maturity after the hormones level off makes a difference.</p><p> </p><p>I do agree with a chore list, it works great for difficult child. His counselor suggested that we also have a time frame like can be done later or must be done now etc. We actually have a dry erase board that we put the chores on in permanent marker and he can check off his chores with a dry erase marker every day. That puts the burden of keeping track on him so I don't have to chase him. It did take 6 solid months of reminders but he finally is getting the routine down without a fight. (yes, without a fight and he was a beast not that long ago)</p><p> </p><p>Family outings are a tough one. I know how important it is to spend time but my difficult child would sulk and brood the whole outing anyway and really take the fun out of it for the rest of us. In difficult child's case it was a control issue where he wanted us to beg him to come and tell him we needed him. -or- he would do his best to make sure no one was happy unless he was.</p><p> </p><p>That was easy to fix, we just stopped asking him to go more than once. We would leave him behind to let him stew in his own juices and miss out. We would come home full of laughter, boxes of yummy left overs and say something like "you missed out". After a handful of times he sort of begrudgingly agreed to go. I told him never mind, he could go another time when he was in a better mood. Then he finally acted like he wanted to go but would be a beast in the car or sullen at a restaraunt. Depending on the situation I would either turn the car around and take him right back home then leave without him so he could work on his mood -or- would not take him the next time as a penalty for ruining the last outing. </p><p> </p><p>This also took about 6 months of small baby steps and back and forth but he almost always looks forward to outings now. I just had to use some slow methodical reverse psychology. As soon as I took his power away to make us miserable he realized he wanted to join in.</p><p> </p><p>I'm not going to lie, the effort to outlast his determination was exhaustive but it really did pay off. </p><p> </p><p>Another thing about chore rages...lol. I nipped that in the bud too. When he was in a less than beastly mood and almost tolerable I used my sense of humor. If he cocked his head and rolled his eyes to grumble an "alright" about a chore I would respond in kind by cocking my head, rolling my eyes and grumbling "thank you" in his exact tone and manner. It almost always made him shake his head at me like I was a dork and half smile but he did get he message about how ridiculous his behavior was. </p><p> </p><p>What if you went on strike and decided you "don't feel like" cooking meals or shopping for groceries to prove a point? A few days of nothing in the pantry or running out of t.p. ought to drive home the point about how EVERYONE does chores and duties they don't want to. Quit doing everything and see how fast it inconveniences your difficult child. The fun part is where you use the same excuses and tactics by mirroring difficult child's behavior right back at him.</p><p> </p><p>I like to discipline and teach with a sense of humor. The agony difficult child feels when he knows I have the upper hand and I came up with a creative solution really amuses me and keeps me fighting for what is right.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>2. My difficult child was very manipulative and emotionally abusive too. It does drain the soul. It is completely normal to react to ongoing drama like this. You have to stop beating yourself up. The bi polar has nothing to do with reacting to stress in a normal way. Healthy, okay maybe not but these difficult child's are very good at breaking us down. That doesn't mean you have a problem. you are not the one...</p><p> </p><p>As for those arguments that wind in circles I had to work real hard at that too. I had to refuse to nibble at his bait and it was hard. difficult child wanted to have long drawn out confusing arguments and I would get sucked in because once I was mad it was hard not to reply to some of the things he said. Problem is that when I replied I just fed into his game. You can actually win by not saying anything. I hated to do that but it worked.</p><p> </p><p>I would just tell difficult child what he was talking about had nothing to do with what was going on. I would tell him that I wasn't interested in getting "into it" with him and that he was responsible for whatever it is he did wrong and that blame doesn't change his responsibility. Several times I had to cut him off at the pass and remind him that we weren't talking about me we were discussing him.</p><p> </p><p>The most most most important thing was I kept whatever I said short short short and didn't get into the repeating myself so he would hear me game. The longer and more detailed the discussion the more wiggle room he had. Several times I left the room and would close my door which made him CRAZY. My difficult child wanted to upset me too and when I made sure to not show emotion and to not react to him I took power back from him. What he wanted was 3 hour long screaming matches. What I did was disarm him with brief, unemotional responses and then would not hear a single thing else he had to say. </p><p> </p><p>That taught him that if he wanted to be heard he had to approach me without an attitude and in a respectful tone. It took time. For awhile as soon as I would tell him I was ready to listen he would get himself wound up again and I would cut it short. I would tell him that maybe we should finish later when he was ready to speak to me in a more appropriate fashion, then I would walk away.</p><p> </p><p>There is so much power in walking away even if it feels like losing at first.</p><p> </p><p>I used to yell and I still do. I have used my fair share of colorful words too. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. you are a good Mom who just happens to be going through hard times. You aren't supposed to be perfect. I am sure your temporary and well placed frsutrations will not hurt anybody. Just work on staying calm and unemotional. Hide your feelings if you have too. difficult child's use those feelings against us. I don't know how many times I acted icy in front of difficult child and cried in secret. It's hard, it would bring any parent to their knees.</p><p> </p><p>Guilt and shame are useless emotions. They only hurt you and they don't serve any positive or useful purpose.</p><p> </p><p>Pray for the strength to start with renewed energy. Pray for the courage to make one last unconquerable stand. You CAN do this. </p><p> </p><p>I lost hope and it was a very scary, sad and empty feeling. I feared for my sons future. He was worth saving and I did, he is doing so well now. I was you just 6 months to a year ago. I had to really get in there and struggle like never before but it paid off. Looking back I know it was all worth it. Don't give up. </p><p> </p><p>You found the right path. Have faith in yourself. Take a deep breath, collect your thoughts, straighten your hair and get up again. You can do this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Farmwife, post: 371178, member: 8617"] 1. Respect is a two way street! I am old fashioned in this way though and told my difficult child that he didn't have to like me, it isn't my job to be liked. He does however HAVE to show respect. That was a work in progress though. My difficult child was just like yours in so many ways so there is hope. Some maturity after the hormones level off makes a difference. I do agree with a chore list, it works great for difficult child. His counselor suggested that we also have a time frame like can be done later or must be done now etc. We actually have a dry erase board that we put the chores on in permanent marker and he can check off his chores with a dry erase marker every day. That puts the burden of keeping track on him so I don't have to chase him. It did take 6 solid months of reminders but he finally is getting the routine down without a fight. (yes, without a fight and he was a beast not that long ago) Family outings are a tough one. I know how important it is to spend time but my difficult child would sulk and brood the whole outing anyway and really take the fun out of it for the rest of us. In difficult child's case it was a control issue where he wanted us to beg him to come and tell him we needed him. -or- he would do his best to make sure no one was happy unless he was. That was easy to fix, we just stopped asking him to go more than once. We would leave him behind to let him stew in his own juices and miss out. We would come home full of laughter, boxes of yummy left overs and say something like "you missed out". After a handful of times he sort of begrudgingly agreed to go. I told him never mind, he could go another time when he was in a better mood. Then he finally acted like he wanted to go but would be a beast in the car or sullen at a restaraunt. Depending on the situation I would either turn the car around and take him right back home then leave without him so he could work on his mood -or- would not take him the next time as a penalty for ruining the last outing. This also took about 6 months of small baby steps and back and forth but he almost always looks forward to outings now. I just had to use some slow methodical reverse psychology. As soon as I took his power away to make us miserable he realized he wanted to join in. I'm not going to lie, the effort to outlast his determination was exhaustive but it really did pay off. Another thing about chore rages...lol. I nipped that in the bud too. When he was in a less than beastly mood and almost tolerable I used my sense of humor. If he cocked his head and rolled his eyes to grumble an "alright" about a chore I would respond in kind by cocking my head, rolling my eyes and grumbling "thank you" in his exact tone and manner. It almost always made him shake his head at me like I was a dork and half smile but he did get he message about how ridiculous his behavior was. What if you went on strike and decided you "don't feel like" cooking meals or shopping for groceries to prove a point? A few days of nothing in the pantry or running out of t.p. ought to drive home the point about how EVERYONE does chores and duties they don't want to. Quit doing everything and see how fast it inconveniences your difficult child. The fun part is where you use the same excuses and tactics by mirroring difficult child's behavior right back at him. I like to discipline and teach with a sense of humor. The agony difficult child feels when he knows I have the upper hand and I came up with a creative solution really amuses me and keeps me fighting for what is right. 2. My difficult child was very manipulative and emotionally abusive too. It does drain the soul. It is completely normal to react to ongoing drama like this. You have to stop beating yourself up. The bi polar has nothing to do with reacting to stress in a normal way. Healthy, okay maybe not but these difficult child's are very good at breaking us down. That doesn't mean you have a problem. you are not the one... As for those arguments that wind in circles I had to work real hard at that too. I had to refuse to nibble at his bait and it was hard. difficult child wanted to have long drawn out confusing arguments and I would get sucked in because once I was mad it was hard not to reply to some of the things he said. Problem is that when I replied I just fed into his game. You can actually win by not saying anything. I hated to do that but it worked. I would just tell difficult child what he was talking about had nothing to do with what was going on. I would tell him that I wasn't interested in getting "into it" with him and that he was responsible for whatever it is he did wrong and that blame doesn't change his responsibility. Several times I had to cut him off at the pass and remind him that we weren't talking about me we were discussing him. The most most most important thing was I kept whatever I said short short short and didn't get into the repeating myself so he would hear me game. The longer and more detailed the discussion the more wiggle room he had. Several times I left the room and would close my door which made him CRAZY. My difficult child wanted to upset me too and when I made sure to not show emotion and to not react to him I took power back from him. What he wanted was 3 hour long screaming matches. What I did was disarm him with brief, unemotional responses and then would not hear a single thing else he had to say. That taught him that if he wanted to be heard he had to approach me without an attitude and in a respectful tone. It took time. For awhile as soon as I would tell him I was ready to listen he would get himself wound up again and I would cut it short. I would tell him that maybe we should finish later when he was ready to speak to me in a more appropriate fashion, then I would walk away. There is so much power in walking away even if it feels like losing at first. I used to yell and I still do. I have used my fair share of colorful words too. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. you are a good Mom who just happens to be going through hard times. You aren't supposed to be perfect. I am sure your temporary and well placed frsutrations will not hurt anybody. Just work on staying calm and unemotional. Hide your feelings if you have too. difficult child's use those feelings against us. I don't know how many times I acted icy in front of difficult child and cried in secret. It's hard, it would bring any parent to their knees. Guilt and shame are useless emotions. They only hurt you and they don't serve any positive or useful purpose. Pray for the strength to start with renewed energy. Pray for the courage to make one last unconquerable stand. You CAN do this. I lost hope and it was a very scary, sad and empty feeling. I feared for my sons future. He was worth saving and I did, he is doing so well now. I was you just 6 months to a year ago. I had to really get in there and struggle like never before but it paid off. Looking back I know it was all worth it. Don't give up. You found the right path. Have faith in yourself. Take a deep breath, collect your thoughts, straighten your hair and get up again. You can do this. [/QUOTE]
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