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General Parenting
Need advice with what appears to be PASSIVE oppositional defiance disorder
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 411852" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Thank you for giving us more information about your adopted daughter. Things begin to make a bit more sense... My first feeling on reading about her history was "Wow..." Not "wow, poor child", the attitude you (rightly) don't want to inculcate but "wow, of course her behaviour is now troubled". All that you say about needing to get on in life by getting on in school, etc, is eminently reasonable and right but it is of course irrelevant in terms of the unconscious and unmet emotional needs of a child who sounds as if she was severely emotionally deprived in the earliest and most critical years of infancy. Without knowing any of this, the first thing I thought on reading your original post was that your little girl wants/needs to regress - she does not want the "responsibility" of knowing where things are, she wants to be babied and mothered. She has presumably missed out on a crucial stage of development. </p><p>My adopted son came to us when he was three months old, so quite young, but the first three months of his life that he spent in a group creche still had an impact on him, I believe. He occasionally asks me to wrap him up in a blanket, very tightly like a swaddled baby, and I am happy to do this for him, making it like a game. He has also in the past (not now) wanted to suck my breasts as though feeding - I'm afraid I wasn't able to go that far, but understood his desire. </p><p>It's difficult... it's honestly difficult adopting a child and especially an older child. in my humble opinion, you simply cannot treat her like an "ordinary" child or expect her to slot into "ordinary" life seamlessly, without difficulty. My own thought in your position (easy to say!!) would be to want to work with a psychologist or therapist who SPECIALISES in adopted child.</p><p>Have you read "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier or other books about adoption? Unfortunately, one cannot just dismiss these aspects of the experience of the adopted child as just "over-psychologising"; they are well-documented and widespread. Not to be scary but just realistic...</p><p>My good wishes for your family.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 411852, member: 11227"] Thank you for giving us more information about your adopted daughter. Things begin to make a bit more sense... My first feeling on reading about her history was "Wow..." Not "wow, poor child", the attitude you (rightly) don't want to inculcate but "wow, of course her behaviour is now troubled". All that you say about needing to get on in life by getting on in school, etc, is eminently reasonable and right but it is of course irrelevant in terms of the unconscious and unmet emotional needs of a child who sounds as if she was severely emotionally deprived in the earliest and most critical years of infancy. Without knowing any of this, the first thing I thought on reading your original post was that your little girl wants/needs to regress - she does not want the "responsibility" of knowing where things are, she wants to be babied and mothered. She has presumably missed out on a crucial stage of development. My adopted son came to us when he was three months old, so quite young, but the first three months of his life that he spent in a group creche still had an impact on him, I believe. He occasionally asks me to wrap him up in a blanket, very tightly like a swaddled baby, and I am happy to do this for him, making it like a game. He has also in the past (not now) wanted to suck my breasts as though feeding - I'm afraid I wasn't able to go that far, but understood his desire. It's difficult... it's honestly difficult adopting a child and especially an older child. in my humble opinion, you simply cannot treat her like an "ordinary" child or expect her to slot into "ordinary" life seamlessly, without difficulty. My own thought in your position (easy to say!!) would be to want to work with a psychologist or therapist who SPECIALISES in adopted child. Have you read "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier or other books about adoption? Unfortunately, one cannot just dismiss these aspects of the experience of the adopted child as just "over-psychologising"; they are well-documented and widespread. Not to be scary but just realistic... My good wishes for your family. [/QUOTE]
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Need advice with what appears to be PASSIVE oppositional defiance disorder
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