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General Parenting
Need advice with what appears to be PASSIVE oppositional defiance disorder
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 411862" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Agree again with Malika here. I've adopted four kids and my experience has been that, although I desperately wanted them just to respond to our love as in "Love cures all", they didn't. We fostered a few kids who had been around the block a few times and they were actually AFRAID of being loved and got worse the more lovingly we acted. Since no caretakers had ever been there for them, we were simply a means to an end...if they wanted something, such as a treat or money, they had learned "survival skills" or how to be charming. If they didn't get what they wanted, they pitched a fit. Has your child ever been evaluated? All of my adopted kids were evaluated thoroughly to see if they had any physical or emotional or intellectual delays or problems. It is different than if you had given birth and knew their prenatal and genetic history. Did she drink when she was pregnant? This can cause serious memory problems. I have a son who was exposed to drugs/alcohol in utero and he is on the austism spectrum (common in drug/alcohol exposed babies).</p><p></p><p>I don't know w here you live, but do you have psychiatrists who specifically have learned about adopted children? We have one here and he is everyone's lifesaver. Even psychiatrists can expect these children to behave just like any child, and they just don't. The children I adopted as babies pretty much bonded to the family just like biological children do, but the older ones....no. The first three years are so important. I would not treat this as a regular behavioral problem. I would evaluate her thoroughly then take her to somebody who has tons of experience with adopted children and understands the difference. It is possible that your child has been tossed around so much that she can not and may not want to relate to a mother figure, at least not yet. And there are things that you can do to help the bond, which is very important. Again, a regular psychiatrist or regular therapist probably would not know what to do.</p><p></p><p>I am going to provide a link on attachment issues. If you like, you can look it over and see if it rings true. The thing is, most older adopted children have attachment issues. It's almost unavoidable and it has to be confronted. Here is just a paragraph from the site.</p><p></p><p><em><strong> Special needs children do not succeed when parented as a "normal child"; they need special help. When parents, teachers, therapists, and respite providers join together we can have a powerful team to help heal a hurting child. I hope you will find the answers you seek here in our humble offering of pages. I believe every child can learn to be respectful, responsible and fun to be with. And every home filled with love and laughter.</strong></em></p><p><em><strong> We can make a difference!</strong></em></p><p><em><strong>Nancy Thomas</strong></em> </p><p> </p><p></p><p>Good luck <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.attachment.org/" target="_blank">http://www.attachment.org/</a></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 411862, member: 1550"] Agree again with Malika here. I've adopted four kids and my experience has been that, although I desperately wanted them just to respond to our love as in "Love cures all", they didn't. We fostered a few kids who had been around the block a few times and they were actually AFRAID of being loved and got worse the more lovingly we acted. Since no caretakers had ever been there for them, we were simply a means to an end...if they wanted something, such as a treat or money, they had learned "survival skills" or how to be charming. If they didn't get what they wanted, they pitched a fit. Has your child ever been evaluated? All of my adopted kids were evaluated thoroughly to see if they had any physical or emotional or intellectual delays or problems. It is different than if you had given birth and knew their prenatal and genetic history. Did she drink when she was pregnant? This can cause serious memory problems. I have a son who was exposed to drugs/alcohol in utero and he is on the austism spectrum (common in drug/alcohol exposed babies). I don't know w here you live, but do you have psychiatrists who specifically have learned about adopted children? We have one here and he is everyone's lifesaver. Even psychiatrists can expect these children to behave just like any child, and they just don't. The children I adopted as babies pretty much bonded to the family just like biological children do, but the older ones....no. The first three years are so important. I would not treat this as a regular behavioral problem. I would evaluate her thoroughly then take her to somebody who has tons of experience with adopted children and understands the difference. It is possible that your child has been tossed around so much that she can not and may not want to relate to a mother figure, at least not yet. And there are things that you can do to help the bond, which is very important. Again, a regular psychiatrist or regular therapist probably would not know what to do. I am going to provide a link on attachment issues. If you like, you can look it over and see if it rings true. The thing is, most older adopted children have attachment issues. It's almost unavoidable and it has to be confronted. Here is just a paragraph from the site. [I][B] Special needs children do not succeed when parented as a "normal child"; they need special help. When parents, teachers, therapists, and respite providers join together we can have a powerful team to help heal a hurting child. I hope you will find the answers you seek here in our humble offering of pages. I believe every child can learn to be respectful, responsible and fun to be with. And every home filled with love and laughter. We can make a difference! Nancy Thomas[/B][/I] Good luck :) [url]http://www.attachment.org/[/url] [/QUOTE]
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Need advice with what appears to be PASSIVE oppositional defiance disorder
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