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Need advice with what appears to be PASSIVE oppositional defiance disorder
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<blockquote data-quote="buddy" data-source="post: 493441" data-attributes="member: 12886"><p>Hi there, another adoptive mommy here! Her pre adoption history is classic for kids who end up with attachment problems including the spectrum that is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) (which can range from milder attachment problems to full blown not being attached to any human or feeling for other humans--doesn't sound like your difficult child is on that end of the spectrum). </p><p></p><p>the symptoms of soiling her pants can be related to that (and to abuse which can contribute to Att.Dis.)</p><p>the multiple moves, multiple caregivers, etc.</p><p></p><p>It was likely that when she had her most fearful moments and most disgusting behaviors, she did not receive the kind of attention that kids get from parents... the unconditional love that builds trust in their primary caregiver. Even when being disciplined. birth to three is the time that these pathways in our brains are formed. We learn to bond to others in this time and people who say...well they wont remember do not understand that... they dont have to remember, any other baby can't tell you why they DO attach to others.</p><p></p><p>I have shared these links before and will with you. MWM and Malika have shared ideas I agree with too. I will say that our attachment center here does do a kind of reviewing of past but it is very systematic and geared to the developmental issues and mental health issues of the child. For ideas for that (and maybe make sure you do it with a professional in adoption and attachment because what it brings up....you may need help)</p><p></p><p>the other site I love is attach-china they have both a web site and a group of parents like this. It is not only for families who adopted from china, just started that way. They really help explain the range of attachment challenges and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and other parents who are going through what you went through can share ideas for how to improve things.</p><p></p><p>yes, her behavior looks very ODD, but that is what the behavior is...it does not help you to address it. Even if it is just boundary testing... it is likely to have more to it than just typical development.</p><p></p><p>the clues are... you said she had always been difficult. She is polarizing the adults around her....that is very common in kids iwth attachment disorders...... She can look you right in the face (and probably not around others so they dont get how it really appears, and then when you act angry you seem like the unreasonable and mean mom) and laugh at your upset. Just the very fact that she is passively oppositional... that really smacks of this issue.</p><p></p><p>Kids with attachment challenges all look different and there is not any one profile so do not be deterred if you see sites that talk about kids who set fires and do not care about other people or are sociopaths.... that is the minority and most dramatic. But it clearly makes sense intuitively that anyone would be hurt by the kinds of early bonding breaks our kids have had, even given the most loving adoptive parents on earth. </p><p></p><p>you are doing a great job in being consistent. You may need to add some interestingly different parenting strategies because typical anger really feeds these kids. You never let them see you sweat. My son actually did try to crawl under my shirt to be my baby in my tummy and wanted bottles etc. when he was 2-5 yrs old. I did feed him bottles just for bonding, only in private and he did not get them for comfort without ME. I bounced him to sleep every night for years on a big exercise ball. only I could tie his shoes and help him when he was hurt. Believe me, this was not because i was selfish or wanting all of his attention.... It was on the advice of adoption professionals because my son was indiscriminate in his bonds... would go to anyone even a stranger for help and support... including asking for food. </p><p></p><p>there are some wonderful books and I would be happy to share them, or the attach china web site will lead you to resources too. </p><p></p><p>It is worth checking out. What do you have to lose. Well, time will obviously be one thing and it is on your side. Regardless of what this ends up being...the suggestions here will only strengthen your bond and future chance to solve problems. </p><p></p><p>All my love and support, Dee</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="buddy, post: 493441, member: 12886"] Hi there, another adoptive mommy here! Her pre adoption history is classic for kids who end up with attachment problems including the spectrum that is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) (which can range from milder attachment problems to full blown not being attached to any human or feeling for other humans--doesn't sound like your difficult child is on that end of the spectrum). the symptoms of soiling her pants can be related to that (and to abuse which can contribute to Att.Dis.) the multiple moves, multiple caregivers, etc. It was likely that when she had her most fearful moments and most disgusting behaviors, she did not receive the kind of attention that kids get from parents... the unconditional love that builds trust in their primary caregiver. Even when being disciplined. birth to three is the time that these pathways in our brains are formed. We learn to bond to others in this time and people who say...well they wont remember do not understand that... they dont have to remember, any other baby can't tell you why they DO attach to others. I have shared these links before and will with you. MWM and Malika have shared ideas I agree with too. I will say that our attachment center here does do a kind of reviewing of past but it is very systematic and geared to the developmental issues and mental health issues of the child. For ideas for that (and maybe make sure you do it with a professional in adoption and attachment because what it brings up....you may need help) the other site I love is attach-china they have both a web site and a group of parents like this. It is not only for families who adopted from china, just started that way. They really help explain the range of attachment challenges and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and other parents who are going through what you went through can share ideas for how to improve things. yes, her behavior looks very ODD, but that is what the behavior is...it does not help you to address it. Even if it is just boundary testing... it is likely to have more to it than just typical development. the clues are... you said she had always been difficult. She is polarizing the adults around her....that is very common in kids iwth attachment disorders...... She can look you right in the face (and probably not around others so they dont get how it really appears, and then when you act angry you seem like the unreasonable and mean mom) and laugh at your upset. Just the very fact that she is passively oppositional... that really smacks of this issue. Kids with attachment challenges all look different and there is not any one profile so do not be deterred if you see sites that talk about kids who set fires and do not care about other people or are sociopaths.... that is the minority and most dramatic. But it clearly makes sense intuitively that anyone would be hurt by the kinds of early bonding breaks our kids have had, even given the most loving adoptive parents on earth. you are doing a great job in being consistent. You may need to add some interestingly different parenting strategies because typical anger really feeds these kids. You never let them see you sweat. My son actually did try to crawl under my shirt to be my baby in my tummy and wanted bottles etc. when he was 2-5 yrs old. I did feed him bottles just for bonding, only in private and he did not get them for comfort without ME. I bounced him to sleep every night for years on a big exercise ball. only I could tie his shoes and help him when he was hurt. Believe me, this was not because i was selfish or wanting all of his attention.... It was on the advice of adoption professionals because my son was indiscriminate in his bonds... would go to anyone even a stranger for help and support... including asking for food. there are some wonderful books and I would be happy to share them, or the attach china web site will lead you to resources too. It is worth checking out. What do you have to lose. Well, time will obviously be one thing and it is on your side. Regardless of what this ends up being...the suggestions here will only strengthen your bond and future chance to solve problems. All my love and support, Dee [/QUOTE]
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