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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 620421" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi and welcome to our journey, although I'm sorry you have to travel it.</p><p></p><p>Yes, in my opinion, you have done the only thing you could do. You can't let her live with you at her age while she won't work, won't get her GED, doesn't help around the house, uses drugs, probably verbally abuses you, steals from you (likely for drugs) and intimidates you. You have every right to be safe in your own house and you also have a right to love and enjoy your husband. Your difficult child is doing what most of our difficult children do. "When there is no offense, go on the defense."</p><p></p><p>Example: difficult child says "When I was five years old, dad hit me and yelled a lot so what I'm doing is all your fault. You were the worst mother in the world. ******(fill in the blanks with swear words)."</p><p>They normally attempt to make their chosen bad, illegal behavior into our own faults in an attempt to guilt us into letting them stay in our homes, while doing nothing to help and even being dangerous, stealing, swearing, etc. They divert the problem (which is their behavior) onto us because they know how much we love them and want us to feel bad. I mean, if the money stops, hmmmmmmm...they have to find more creative ways to get drug money, such as possibly getting a job, although most don't do that while they are still using. jj</p><p></p><p>Part two of a difficult child's strategy is that when you finally take back your own power, think about your own well being, and set boundaries, they fly off the wall and their toddlerish behavior escalates. This is when some of our difficult children become actually dangerous and we have to hear all of their baloney accusations at new levels. Some may break things or even come after us physically. Usually, they need to leave and we have to change our locks. We didn't sigtn up for this when we had our children, but it is what it is. I've learned that for me I feel better when I accept that my child isn't what I'd dreamed of, and to go with reality. I can't change him. Only one person can change my son and your daughter...themselves. What we CAN do is change our reactions to how they behave.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the excellent article on detachment at the top of the page. If you haven't done it yet, do get some real time support for yourself. I like Narc-Anon meetings. If you don't, you can get a therapist to help YOU (not to help your kid) or join The National Alliance of the Mentally Ill (NAMI) as they have classes for those who love the mentally ill. You don't need to feel alone anymore, or misunderstood. You have us. We have been there or are there right now and we get it. Most people don't.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is an adult. You don't have to buy her cigarettes, her junk food, her trendy clothes, or anything else for her. She can apply for food stamps, public housing, and other entitlements, but if she chooses not to follow their rules, she may find herself on the streets or panhandling. If she does, that is all her own decision; it is how she is choosing to live her life. You didn't cause it. She is the cause.</p><p></p><p>Detach, detach, detach. Enjoy your life in spite of your daughter's self-destruction. She is not you and you are not her. You can still live a happy, productive life with the people who treat you with respect and love, even if your daughter is making terrible choices about her own life. In time, perhaps her perspective will change, but you can't force it to. So in the meantime, it makes no sense not to do the things that you enjoy with the people who are nice to you. Nobody, not even your child, has the right to abuse you, steal from you, lie to you, use you, hit you, get in your face, etc...nobody.</p><p></p><p>Wishing you a peaceful rest of the day <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 620421, member: 1550"] Hi and welcome to our journey, although I'm sorry you have to travel it. Yes, in my opinion, you have done the only thing you could do. You can't let her live with you at her age while she won't work, won't get her GED, doesn't help around the house, uses drugs, probably verbally abuses you, steals from you (likely for drugs) and intimidates you. You have every right to be safe in your own house and you also have a right to love and enjoy your husband. Your difficult child is doing what most of our difficult children do. "When there is no offense, go on the defense." Example: difficult child says "When I was five years old, dad hit me and yelled a lot so what I'm doing is all your fault. You were the worst mother in the world. ******(fill in the blanks with swear words)." They normally attempt to make their chosen bad, illegal behavior into our own faults in an attempt to guilt us into letting them stay in our homes, while doing nothing to help and even being dangerous, stealing, swearing, etc. They divert the problem (which is their behavior) onto us because they know how much we love them and want us to feel bad. I mean, if the money stops, hmmmmmmm...they have to find more creative ways to get drug money, such as possibly getting a job, although most don't do that while they are still using. jj Part two of a difficult child's strategy is that when you finally take back your own power, think about your own well being, and set boundaries, they fly off the wall and their toddlerish behavior escalates. This is when some of our difficult children become actually dangerous and we have to hear all of their baloney accusations at new levels. Some may break things or even come after us physically. Usually, they need to leave and we have to change our locks. We didn't sigtn up for this when we had our children, but it is what it is. I've learned that for me I feel better when I accept that my child isn't what I'd dreamed of, and to go with reality. I can't change him. Only one person can change my son and your daughter...themselves. What we CAN do is change our reactions to how they behave. You may want to read the excellent article on detachment at the top of the page. If you haven't done it yet, do get some real time support for yourself. I like Narc-Anon meetings. If you don't, you can get a therapist to help YOU (not to help your kid) or join The National Alliance of the Mentally Ill (NAMI) as they have classes for those who love the mentally ill. You don't need to feel alone anymore, or misunderstood. You have us. We have been there or are there right now and we get it. Most people don't. Your daughter is an adult. You don't have to buy her cigarettes, her junk food, her trendy clothes, or anything else for her. She can apply for food stamps, public housing, and other entitlements, but if she chooses not to follow their rules, she may find herself on the streets or panhandling. If she does, that is all her own decision; it is how she is choosing to live her life. You didn't cause it. She is the cause. Detach, detach, detach. Enjoy your life in spite of your daughter's self-destruction. She is not you and you are not her. You can still live a happy, productive life with the people who treat you with respect and love, even if your daughter is making terrible choices about her own life. In time, perhaps her perspective will change, but you can't force it to. So in the meantime, it makes no sense not to do the things that you enjoy with the people who are nice to you. Nobody, not even your child, has the right to abuse you, steal from you, lie to you, use you, hit you, get in your face, etc...nobody. Wishing you a peaceful rest of the day :) [/QUOTE]
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