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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 620772" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You are doing the right thing. There is nothing you can do to make her leave the drug deal. You know this right? She is twenty and is making her own decision, which she can legally do. There is nothing, nada, zilch you can do to make her leave him and your friends and family are right. What if this causes a retaliation against other family members? Do you have other, younger kids? Do YOU want to deal with this drug dealer? I can almost guarantee you that if he is dealing and she is living with him, she is helping him deal. It's not unusual. As my daughter tells me (she used to be a big drug addict) "If you use it, you sell it. It goes together." They can both end up in prison if the cops go there and find out they're, say, cooking meth (did I use the right terminology?). I don't know that jail/prison is always a bad thing for our adult children, but think about how it could be a possibility and ponder it.</p><p></p><p>You are NOT selfish because you don't want your daughter in your home. She is not safe nor is your health, physical and mental, safe if she is there. If anyone else lives with you, same with them. SHE is the selfish one. She thinks she is the only person who matters if she is like most of our difficult child adult children.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter would not be any safer if you gave her the comfort of your home. First of all, YOU wouldn't be safe and she'd likely steal, disrespect you, and even maybe get dangerous. Secondly, she would still hang out with her druggie friends. My daughter lived with me for a long time and after we finally made her leave, we found out that some dealer wanted to kill her over some money he thought she owed him...but she didn't tell us any of this until after she was safely out of state and no longer using. Trust me, they put themselves in peril no matter who they live with and we never are told about it. You can't protect her anymore. She has to decide to quit using drugs and dump the drug using friends and go back to rehab...and to work the program. Only one person in the entire world can motivate her to quit and that is herself.</p><p></p><p>Like patriot's girl, my daughter's drug of choice was meth. It was not something I wanted to face and I never did face it until she told me about it after she quit. I should have gotten a clue. She looked so skinny and ill I thought she would end up dead or in prison. Yet she DID quit. And now that she has told me the details of her drug days, I am shocked at how little I really knew about her during that time.</p><p></p><p>I agree that natural consequences are our difficult child's best teacher. Whatever we do is usually used against us. I'm sure you have family and friends who adore you for the kind, caring person that you are and don't want YOU to get caught up in the dangerous drug world...they need you and want you in their lives, and you should love yourself enough to take good care of yourself and do the things that give you joy and be with those who appreciate your kind heart. No matter how much you obsess about your daughter, it will not make her life any better. You can not do that...you don't have the power. You do have the power to make your own life much, much better, in spite of having a troubled adult child.</p><p></p><p>That's a hard lesson we all had to learn, but it gets easier with time.</p><p></p><p>Have a peaceful, serene night and if you want to chew on something that may make you feel better, I would put "radical acceptance" into your browser and read about it. This helps me a lot, in every way. Hugs to you and stay strong.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 620772, member: 1550"] You are doing the right thing. There is nothing you can do to make her leave the drug deal. You know this right? She is twenty and is making her own decision, which she can legally do. There is nothing, nada, zilch you can do to make her leave him and your friends and family are right. What if this causes a retaliation against other family members? Do you have other, younger kids? Do YOU want to deal with this drug dealer? I can almost guarantee you that if he is dealing and she is living with him, she is helping him deal. It's not unusual. As my daughter tells me (she used to be a big drug addict) "If you use it, you sell it. It goes together." They can both end up in prison if the cops go there and find out they're, say, cooking meth (did I use the right terminology?). I don't know that jail/prison is always a bad thing for our adult children, but think about how it could be a possibility and ponder it. You are NOT selfish because you don't want your daughter in your home. She is not safe nor is your health, physical and mental, safe if she is there. If anyone else lives with you, same with them. SHE is the selfish one. She thinks she is the only person who matters if she is like most of our difficult child adult children. Your daughter would not be any safer if you gave her the comfort of your home. First of all, YOU wouldn't be safe and she'd likely steal, disrespect you, and even maybe get dangerous. Secondly, she would still hang out with her druggie friends. My daughter lived with me for a long time and after we finally made her leave, we found out that some dealer wanted to kill her over some money he thought she owed him...but she didn't tell us any of this until after she was safely out of state and no longer using. Trust me, they put themselves in peril no matter who they live with and we never are told about it. You can't protect her anymore. She has to decide to quit using drugs and dump the drug using friends and go back to rehab...and to work the program. Only one person in the entire world can motivate her to quit and that is herself. Like patriot's girl, my daughter's drug of choice was meth. It was not something I wanted to face and I never did face it until she told me about it after she quit. I should have gotten a clue. She looked so skinny and ill I thought she would end up dead or in prison. Yet she DID quit. And now that she has told me the details of her drug days, I am shocked at how little I really knew about her during that time. I agree that natural consequences are our difficult child's best teacher. Whatever we do is usually used against us. I'm sure you have family and friends who adore you for the kind, caring person that you are and don't want YOU to get caught up in the dangerous drug world...they need you and want you in their lives, and you should love yourself enough to take good care of yourself and do the things that give you joy and be with those who appreciate your kind heart. No matter how much you obsess about your daughter, it will not make her life any better. You can not do that...you don't have the power. You do have the power to make your own life much, much better, in spite of having a troubled adult child. That's a hard lesson we all had to learn, but it gets easier with time. Have a peaceful, serene night and if you want to chew on something that may make you feel better, I would put "radical acceptance" into your browser and read about it. This helps me a lot, in every way. Hugs to you and stay strong. [/QUOTE]
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