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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 620809" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>This is the absolute truth. The more you can focus on this truth, and accept it (and all that comes with it), the more you will start to feel healing. It is an inch by inch process filled with potholes and mistakes---so accept that as well---and be gentle with yourself. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No, it wouldn't have, unless and until she was completely sick and tired and completely ready to change. And then, relapse is an inevitable part of the disease for some 9__% of addicts and alcoholics. I have heard different numbers but they were all in the high 90s. Of course you could not have her in your home anymore. Many of us have been right where you are and we do and do and do and do and do for our precious child/adult addict but there does come a day---for many of us---where we just can't do it anymore. That is a good day for us and for them, because usually, it is the true beginning of substantive progress (we have so many beginnings...) of detachment, our own recovery and moving toward a more peaceful, joyful, serene life---whether or not the addict or alcoholic is still using or not. We are always willing to help someone who wants to help himself or herself. Especially our own child/adult whom we love so much---no matter what.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Feeling conflicted is part of this. It is an ongoing part of this. The key is this: don't act on your feelings. Acknowledge them for they are true and real. But instead of reacting to them and taking action (which most of us are compelled to do for years and years and still even now sometimes), wait. Sit on it. Don't act. Don't react. Feel the fear and do other things to distract you from the need to act. Sometimes it helps me to make a "rule" for myself: I will do nothing for at least 48 hours. </p><p>Another rule I try to consider is this: I will not react to anything that is not an emergency. Of course, then you have to decide how to define emergency---and I will tell you that most things are not. An emergency is a call from the ER and as somebody recently pointed out to me, maybe that is not even an emergency. Being homeless is not, not having a cell phone is not, not having any money is not. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Good decision. It took me a long time to do this as I felt the way you did. But they have an interesting way of finding ways to communicate that you and I will never even think of. A cell phone is not a necessity, even for OUR peace of mind. We can learn to live peacefully and even joyfully when our adult child does not have a cell phone. </p><p></p><p>Bless you. I am thinking of you today and of your daughter. Just start walking forward on this path to recovery. Realize that a mistake on your part is okay. It's not defining for you OR your daughter. You will make mistakes because you are human. Wait. Let time take its time. Just for today---do something nice for yourself. Take a nap, light a candle, take a bubble bath, read a book. Focus on YOU. God is in charge. Let him be, just for today. Keep coming back. Many hugs and prayers going up and out.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 620809, member: 17542"] This is the absolute truth. The more you can focus on this truth, and accept it (and all that comes with it), the more you will start to feel healing. It is an inch by inch process filled with potholes and mistakes---so accept that as well---and be gentle with yourself. No, it wouldn't have, unless and until she was completely sick and tired and completely ready to change. And then, relapse is an inevitable part of the disease for some 9__% of addicts and alcoholics. I have heard different numbers but they were all in the high 90s. Of course you could not have her in your home anymore. Many of us have been right where you are and we do and do and do and do and do for our precious child/adult addict but there does come a day---for many of us---where we just can't do it anymore. That is a good day for us and for them, because usually, it is the true beginning of substantive progress (we have so many beginnings...) of detachment, our own recovery and moving toward a more peaceful, joyful, serene life---whether or not the addict or alcoholic is still using or not. We are always willing to help someone who wants to help himself or herself. Especially our own child/adult whom we love so much---no matter what. Feeling conflicted is part of this. It is an ongoing part of this. The key is this: don't act on your feelings. Acknowledge them for they are true and real. But instead of reacting to them and taking action (which most of us are compelled to do for years and years and still even now sometimes), wait. Sit on it. Don't act. Don't react. Feel the fear and do other things to distract you from the need to act. Sometimes it helps me to make a "rule" for myself: I will do nothing for at least 48 hours. Another rule I try to consider is this: I will not react to anything that is not an emergency. Of course, then you have to decide how to define emergency---and I will tell you that most things are not. An emergency is a call from the ER and as somebody recently pointed out to me, maybe that is not even an emergency. Being homeless is not, not having a cell phone is not, not having any money is not. Good decision. It took me a long time to do this as I felt the way you did. But they have an interesting way of finding ways to communicate that you and I will never even think of. A cell phone is not a necessity, even for OUR peace of mind. We can learn to live peacefully and even joyfully when our adult child does not have a cell phone. Bless you. I am thinking of you today and of your daughter. Just start walking forward on this path to recovery. Realize that a mistake on your part is okay. It's not defining for you OR your daughter. You will make mistakes because you are human. Wait. Let time take its time. Just for today---do something nice for yourself. Take a nap, light a candle, take a bubble bath, read a book. Focus on YOU. God is in charge. Let him be, just for today. Keep coming back. Many hugs and prayers going up and out. [/QUOTE]
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