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Need advise about vacation
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<blockquote data-quote="Ironbutterfly" data-source="post: 689941" data-attributes="member: 19951"><p>Worried sick, I have been there with issues with my husband and my son, his step son. It does cause lot of stress on a marriage. But husbands issue has always been the lying with son. Then when son was old enough he lived on the street for many years. We didn't invite him to family functions anymore because he was making bad choices with his life, refused to change, associated with druggie people, he himself doing drugs. Then a few years ago, he changed. He seemed to be living well with his aunt. So I asked husband if we could invite him for christmas. He said ok, but was leary. It was a good Christmas and I was happy. Then son's grandma died, then his long time girlfriend died of heroin over-dose, then son went in downward spiral with grief. He landed in jail due to some other girl, then he got out, only to get arrested again. I asked husband if I could bring him home for long week-end until we could figure out a solution of where he was to go. We found Salavation army had a program to get a second chance on life. Hus and son talked for hours and seemed to have bonded. Husband shook hands with him and asked him to promise to attend the program. Son promised to his face. Well son went but only stayed a day and then left. Husband cried, was so disappointed. So, now he said that's it. He lied to me as a man. He is on his own. I still talk with son, part of his life, albeit many states away and husband just doesn't say too much anymore. But he says, be careful, or you will get sucked in again. It hurt me to see my husband trust him, let him back in, only for him to kick him in the teeth. My husband crying over this, gave me validation, that he is a good man, cared about my son, and he has a right to set his foot down when he sees my son hurting me and us.</p><p></p><p>My husband, probably like yours, sees the heartache we go through, and because it is not their child, I think they can see things going bad before we do. Mothers are naturally, more emotionally attached, give them more chances then perhaps they deserve.</p><p></p><p>If it were me is to tell son, "Look, I would love to have you come with us on vacation, but I am sorry, we had left open the door for you to join us, but events occurred, due to your decisions you made. It is not possible to go on this vacation. However, I would like to do something with you at another point in time."</p><p></p><p>YOU are in the middle, but he is your son. YOU re-invited without talking to husband. Maybe husband would of been more receptive if you had talked to him first. My husband would get upset with me about this- too. I learned to talk to hubby first, always. It saves a lot of this you and me against son down the road issues. I value my husband, all he has done for our family and therefore, I try to listen to his opinion, point of view, and his feelings.</p><p></p><p>Your son has caused a lot of chaos and stress in your life and he has to be accountable for that. This time he should stay back no matter how he feels about it or you. YOU can't let the guilt over-ride this vacation. Your son has to earn trust back into the family, it just shouldn't be rewarded with a great vacation. Life sucks. He will miss out, but that is the price you pay sometimes for decisions you make that AFFECT others in your life. I had to be the one to give the hard message to my son that look, for years, we didn't invite you to family holidays because of the life you were leading. That when you do get your life together, we will welcome you back. We did, then he fell again. His choices, his consequences. </p><p></p><p>YOUR only other choice is to not go. But then, your other kids do not get the enjoyment of your presence, the memories, because you chose a Difficult Child, over them, who have not caused the turmoil and stress. Is that fair to them?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Ironbutterfly, post: 689941, member: 19951"] Worried sick, I have been there with issues with my husband and my son, his step son. It does cause lot of stress on a marriage. But husbands issue has always been the lying with son. Then when son was old enough he lived on the street for many years. We didn't invite him to family functions anymore because he was making bad choices with his life, refused to change, associated with druggie people, he himself doing drugs. Then a few years ago, he changed. He seemed to be living well with his aunt. So I asked husband if we could invite him for christmas. He said ok, but was leary. It was a good Christmas and I was happy. Then son's grandma died, then his long time girlfriend died of heroin over-dose, then son went in downward spiral with grief. He landed in jail due to some other girl, then he got out, only to get arrested again. I asked husband if I could bring him home for long week-end until we could figure out a solution of where he was to go. We found Salavation army had a program to get a second chance on life. Hus and son talked for hours and seemed to have bonded. Husband shook hands with him and asked him to promise to attend the program. Son promised to his face. Well son went but only stayed a day and then left. Husband cried, was so disappointed. So, now he said that's it. He lied to me as a man. He is on his own. I still talk with son, part of his life, albeit many states away and husband just doesn't say too much anymore. But he says, be careful, or you will get sucked in again. It hurt me to see my husband trust him, let him back in, only for him to kick him in the teeth. My husband crying over this, gave me validation, that he is a good man, cared about my son, and he has a right to set his foot down when he sees my son hurting me and us. My husband, probably like yours, sees the heartache we go through, and because it is not their child, I think they can see things going bad before we do. Mothers are naturally, more emotionally attached, give them more chances then perhaps they deserve. If it were me is to tell son, "Look, I would love to have you come with us on vacation, but I am sorry, we had left open the door for you to join us, but events occurred, due to your decisions you made. It is not possible to go on this vacation. However, I would like to do something with you at another point in time." YOU are in the middle, but he is your son. YOU re-invited without talking to husband. Maybe husband would of been more receptive if you had talked to him first. My husband would get upset with me about this- too. I learned to talk to hubby first, always. It saves a lot of this you and me against son down the road issues. I value my husband, all he has done for our family and therefore, I try to listen to his opinion, point of view, and his feelings. Your son has caused a lot of chaos and stress in your life and he has to be accountable for that. This time he should stay back no matter how he feels about it or you. YOU can't let the guilt over-ride this vacation. Your son has to earn trust back into the family, it just shouldn't be rewarded with a great vacation. Life sucks. He will miss out, but that is the price you pay sometimes for decisions you make that AFFECT others in your life. I had to be the one to give the hard message to my son that look, for years, we didn't invite you to family holidays because of the life you were leading. That when you do get your life together, we will welcome you back. We did, then he fell again. His choices, his consequences. YOUR only other choice is to not go. But then, your other kids do not get the enjoyment of your presence, the memories, because you chose a Difficult Child, over them, who have not caused the turmoil and stress. Is that fair to them? [/QUOTE]
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