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Need board moms to help me help my adult married son (in faltering marriage)
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 299393" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi and thanks again, all. I'm on vacation, yet this bothered me enough to check this on the computer they offer (15 minutes <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" />).</p><p> </p><p>This is my biological son who I am quite close to. He is not a fighter and is insecure about taking sole custody of J. even if he felt he could, and he knows how the rulings usually go. Also, I'm sure that wife will use his panic disorder against him. But I am urging him to do joint custody, trying to explain what it is. Unfortunately, we are in two different states or I know I could be more supportive and go to court with him etc. His social anxiety is really bad, and I don't know how he'd do in court. If it actually does come to divorce, I have no money to help him, but his father does. Although we are divorce, we do have a good relationship and I'd talk to him. </p><p> </p><p>I am always very kind to daughter in law showering her with true compliments about what a good mother I think she is. It does no good for her, the child, or us, the grandparents, to make her feel like dirt. She's NOT dirt. Like many people, she just doesn't believe mental illness is inherited. Whe was freaking out when J. didn't walk until fifteen months. She did not like it when I just shrugged and said, "Well, that's the same as M. No big deal." She doesn't like to think that the child has inherited anything at all. She used to try strategies to make him walk and said he was "just lazy." I know how silly that is. Toddlers walk when they are ready. It's not about "lazy." He is a bright, adorable little boy who is perfectly normal right now. Whether or not he later develops some of M's problems, I don't know and SHE is terrified to consider.</p><p> </p><p>And that is probably what is ruining the marriage. She believes that because M. has panic attacks that he will make J. a nervous child too. Same with me, I guess.</p><p> </p><p>Although this saddens me, I have had such bad experiences with "family" that I have learned to depend on those I love who love me back as family. Blood means little to me...I adopted four of my kids. If I can't have an active part in J's life, then I can't. I never DID have an active part in his life because of distance and the aloofness of this daughter in law. I will see him whenever I can and I know that kids have a way of seeking out relatives when they are older. I will leave the door open to J. and stay in touch.</p><p> </p><p>I feel terrible for my son. He is bright and very sweet, but his social anxiety has hindered him. I don't know if he's an Aspie or not, but I doubt it simply because he understands how to behave in social situations--he can mask his fear too--however, it's there. Big time. It is a real reason why he's afraid to look for a new job--where he is now, it's not a comfortable situation, although he has a stable job. But another person would be actively looking for a new job and he doesn't like interviews.</p><p> </p><p>In a way, the ball is in his court. He has always come to me for advice, but rarely follows it, although he is not hostile. He is simply afraid of change. While I share his serious anxiety disorder and depression, I have always been a "go for it" person, willing to help myself any way I could. He is more afraid. I guess all I can do is support him. </p><p> </p><p>I am very disappointed in his wife. She seemed really great when we first met her, but, then, now that she has a child she has changed and the child IS her life. And the idea that anything could ever be "wrong" with him just is not something she can even fathom. Sadly, I do believe she thinks my son can damage him by osmosis. </p><p> </p><p>I'll check back later. We are at Great America in Chicago today!!!! My younger kids are all excited. </p><p> </p><p>Truly, parenting is a lifetime, and it can be so draining.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 299393, member: 1550"] Hi and thanks again, all. I'm on vacation, yet this bothered me enough to check this on the computer they offer (15 minutes :raspberry-tounge:). This is my biological son who I am quite close to. He is not a fighter and is insecure about taking sole custody of J. even if he felt he could, and he knows how the rulings usually go. Also, I'm sure that wife will use his panic disorder against him. But I am urging him to do joint custody, trying to explain what it is. Unfortunately, we are in two different states or I know I could be more supportive and go to court with him etc. His social anxiety is really bad, and I don't know how he'd do in court. If it actually does come to divorce, I have no money to help him, but his father does. Although we are divorce, we do have a good relationship and I'd talk to him. I am always very kind to daughter in law showering her with true compliments about what a good mother I think she is. It does no good for her, the child, or us, the grandparents, to make her feel like dirt. She's NOT dirt. Like many people, she just doesn't believe mental illness is inherited. Whe was freaking out when J. didn't walk until fifteen months. She did not like it when I just shrugged and said, "Well, that's the same as M. No big deal." She doesn't like to think that the child has inherited anything at all. She used to try strategies to make him walk and said he was "just lazy." I know how silly that is. Toddlers walk when they are ready. It's not about "lazy." He is a bright, adorable little boy who is perfectly normal right now. Whether or not he later develops some of M's problems, I don't know and SHE is terrified to consider. And that is probably what is ruining the marriage. She believes that because M. has panic attacks that he will make J. a nervous child too. Same with me, I guess. Although this saddens me, I have had such bad experiences with "family" that I have learned to depend on those I love who love me back as family. Blood means little to me...I adopted four of my kids. If I can't have an active part in J's life, then I can't. I never DID have an active part in his life because of distance and the aloofness of this daughter in law. I will see him whenever I can and I know that kids have a way of seeking out relatives when they are older. I will leave the door open to J. and stay in touch. I feel terrible for my son. He is bright and very sweet, but his social anxiety has hindered him. I don't know if he's an Aspie or not, but I doubt it simply because he understands how to behave in social situations--he can mask his fear too--however, it's there. Big time. It is a real reason why he's afraid to look for a new job--where he is now, it's not a comfortable situation, although he has a stable job. But another person would be actively looking for a new job and he doesn't like interviews. In a way, the ball is in his court. He has always come to me for advice, but rarely follows it, although he is not hostile. He is simply afraid of change. While I share his serious anxiety disorder and depression, I have always been a "go for it" person, willing to help myself any way I could. He is more afraid. I guess all I can do is support him. I am very disappointed in his wife. She seemed really great when we first met her, but, then, now that she has a child she has changed and the child IS her life. And the idea that anything could ever be "wrong" with him just is not something she can even fathom. Sadly, I do believe she thinks my son can damage him by osmosis. I'll check back later. We are at Great America in Chicago today!!!! My younger kids are all excited. Truly, parenting is a lifetime, and it can be so draining. [/QUOTE]
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