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Need help adult daughter wont talk to me.
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<blockquote data-quote="DDD" data-source="post: 514847" data-attributes="member: 35"><p>I'm not sure how long this situation has gone on but it sounds like it has been lengthly enough to have changed the communication patterns enough that you've gotten into a "rut". Although I don't think I have ever suggested this to anyone before (and Lordy, I do hope it doesn't sound negative) perhaps it would change your perspective a bit if you try to "see" the current status. Hmm...I'm hoping it might help a bit with the beginning steps of detachment.</p><p></p><p>Personally I'm big on using notes on paper because it is more consise than conversations with myself.</p><p>Here's the experiment. On the paper write down her birth year and write down the year the problems began. Then draw a smiley face or write success or great or something positive so you can see that most of her lifetime everything has been good.</p><p></p><p>Then write down the beginning of the problems. Make little notations like, met X, stopped coming home at night, moved in, stopped listening, cut off communication etc. Visually you will see that the majority of her life has been positive and you have every reason to feel proud of your parenting.</p><p></p><p>You still with me, lol?? Here comes the hard part. Describe your shared time with her since she chose the loser boyfriend. Try to estimate how many "fun" times you've had that did not include discussions about boyfriend, unsolicited advice, perhaps flat out criticism of her choice, perhaps comments like "how to H can you throw your life away!" etc. I'm betting that the negative has far outweighed any positive. <strong>Let me insert right here that I have been there done that when my adult daughter hooked up with a newly released convict.</strong> Don't want you to think that I don't understand. Darn it, been there done that.</p><p></p><p>OK, here's the last of my unsolicited Motherly advice to another experienced Mother. Once you've taken a complete look at your situation, ask yourself what can I change. The answer is going to be "I can change me. I can find a new hobby, new volunteer work, new job that will alleviate my stress and give me something postivie to do and think about. I have said everything I can say to her and she has to make her choices. on the other hand, if I become focused on other positive things then eventually she may choose my company with-o fear of criticism or advice giving." </p><p></p><p>Regardg your husband, I would suggest that you not even engage him in conversations about her. It will be like a knife in your heart each time he shares "his" talks. You can not change him, either. Then as often as necessary I suggest that you repeat in your head the Serenity Prayer. It wraps it all up in one long phrase. It has saved my heart and soul thru many years of stress and pain. Hugs DDD</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DDD, post: 514847, member: 35"] I'm not sure how long this situation has gone on but it sounds like it has been lengthly enough to have changed the communication patterns enough that you've gotten into a "rut". Although I don't think I have ever suggested this to anyone before (and Lordy, I do hope it doesn't sound negative) perhaps it would change your perspective a bit if you try to "see" the current status. Hmm...I'm hoping it might help a bit with the beginning steps of detachment. Personally I'm big on using notes on paper because it is more consise than conversations with myself. Here's the experiment. On the paper write down her birth year and write down the year the problems began. Then draw a smiley face or write success or great or something positive so you can see that most of her lifetime everything has been good. Then write down the beginning of the problems. Make little notations like, met X, stopped coming home at night, moved in, stopped listening, cut off communication etc. Visually you will see that the majority of her life has been positive and you have every reason to feel proud of your parenting. You still with me, lol?? Here comes the hard part. Describe your shared time with her since she chose the loser boyfriend. Try to estimate how many "fun" times you've had that did not include discussions about boyfriend, unsolicited advice, perhaps flat out criticism of her choice, perhaps comments like "how to H can you throw your life away!" etc. I'm betting that the negative has far outweighed any positive. [B]Let me insert right here that I have been there done that when my adult daughter hooked up with a newly released convict.[/B] Don't want you to think that I don't understand. Darn it, been there done that. OK, here's the last of my unsolicited Motherly advice to another experienced Mother. Once you've taken a complete look at your situation, ask yourself what can I change. The answer is going to be "I can change me. I can find a new hobby, new volunteer work, new job that will alleviate my stress and give me something postivie to do and think about. I have said everything I can say to her and she has to make her choices. on the other hand, if I become focused on other positive things then eventually she may choose my company with-o fear of criticism or advice giving." Regardg your husband, I would suggest that you not even engage him in conversations about her. It will be like a knife in your heart each time he shares "his" talks. You can not change him, either. Then as often as necessary I suggest that you repeat in your head the Serenity Prayer. It wraps it all up in one long phrase. It has saved my heart and soul thru many years of stress and pain. Hugs DDD [/QUOTE]
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