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Need help adult daughter wont talk to me.
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 514975"><p>Dotty,</p><p></p><p>First as others have said this is not your fault... she is an adult and she is making her own choices right now. That is part of being an adult, making your own choices. It is unclear to me if she has a substance abuse problem after being with this guy... if so then all the advice about not giving her money is very important.</p><p></p><p>I am going to look at this from a different angle and that is the real possibility that this loser boyfriend is abusive. He sounds controlling and like he is trying to isolate her which is pretty standard for abusive men. I work in this field so this is something I do know about.</p><p></p><p>So if we assume she is in an abusive relationship then tough love is not the answer in my opinion.. You need to get tough in dealing with drug/alcohol abuse but with abusive relationships it is different. The reason being one goal of an abuser is to isolate their partner to cut them off from family and friends, because it is much much harder to leave if you are cut off from your main support systems.</p><p></p><p>It is also true that people need and want to make their own choices about who they are invovled with. It just plain doesnt work to talk to her about how her boyfriend is a loser and why you don't like him. She wont listen to you while she is still in love with him... and any sense that she has to choose between you and him, will drive her closer to him and farther away from you. So my advice is don't talk to her about him at all. Don't bring him up and if she talks about him just listen and nod your head and say mmmm. </p><p></p><p>If he is abusive, and my guess is that he is, then she needs to find her own way out when she is ready. It has to be on her time table. However it will be much easier for her to do if she knows she has the support and love of her family.</p><p></p><p>My suggestion is to back off on any discussion about him or her relationship to him.... try to slowly build a relationship with her by going out for coffee... or going shopping or something. I agree you probably don't want to spend a lot of money on her... but I say keep supporting school especially if she is getting good grades. Anything that helps her feel good about herself will help her eventually leave this loser.</p><p></p><p>This is going to be hard for you. Your tongue will get bloody from having to bite it so much.... but the important thing is to find little ways to connect with your daughter. If you can find a local DV program near you that has community services... see if there is someone you can talk to to get some support. </p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 514975"] Dotty, First as others have said this is not your fault... she is an adult and she is making her own choices right now. That is part of being an adult, making your own choices. It is unclear to me if she has a substance abuse problem after being with this guy... if so then all the advice about not giving her money is very important. I am going to look at this from a different angle and that is the real possibility that this loser boyfriend is abusive. He sounds controlling and like he is trying to isolate her which is pretty standard for abusive men. I work in this field so this is something I do know about. So if we assume she is in an abusive relationship then tough love is not the answer in my opinion.. You need to get tough in dealing with drug/alcohol abuse but with abusive relationships it is different. The reason being one goal of an abuser is to isolate their partner to cut them off from family and friends, because it is much much harder to leave if you are cut off from your main support systems. It is also true that people need and want to make their own choices about who they are invovled with. It just plain doesnt work to talk to her about how her boyfriend is a loser and why you don't like him. She wont listen to you while she is still in love with him... and any sense that she has to choose between you and him, will drive her closer to him and farther away from you. So my advice is don't talk to her about him at all. Don't bring him up and if she talks about him just listen and nod your head and say mmmm. If he is abusive, and my guess is that he is, then she needs to find her own way out when she is ready. It has to be on her time table. However it will be much easier for her to do if she knows she has the support and love of her family. My suggestion is to back off on any discussion about him or her relationship to him.... try to slowly build a relationship with her by going out for coffee... or going shopping or something. I agree you probably don't want to spend a lot of money on her... but I say keep supporting school especially if she is getting good grades. Anything that helps her feel good about herself will help her eventually leave this loser. This is going to be hard for you. Your tongue will get bloody from having to bite it so much.... but the important thing is to find little ways to connect with your daughter. If you can find a local DV program near you that has community services... see if there is someone you can talk to to get some support. TL [/QUOTE]
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